Tired of the truth... Tired of doubting

by Deltawave 27 Replies latest jw experiences

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  Deltawave

  I'm reaching out here, I've known TTATT for about 3-4 years now. Sadly when I first grasped it I had a total mental breakdown as I was a hard core firm to the core pioneer and 110% believer of my faith.! Now nearly 2years on after my breakdown I still have to attend to please my JW wife.

  She thinks I doubt due to a mental illness. I am alone, I go in field service and become extremely depressed as I hear the critical opinions of Bro and sisters towards the people in our territory.

  The arrogance, the self righteousness and the pride make me so unhappy.

  Any suggestions how to cope?
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  AlexRover

  Hi Deltaware,

  I will put this topic on my writing list for meletivivlon.com , it's something I've struggled with personally as well. I went through a depression for about 2.5 years. During that time I suffered from Anhedonia. Life seemed pointless. During that time my wife also worried about me, but I wasn't able to express myself freely.

  This is one of the things that proved most healing to me, the ability to talk freely to others about what I am going through. First online, then slowly over the years to family members as well, and finally making new friends who don't judge you for who you are.

  Don't hesitate to contact me if you need someone to talk to. Keep your head up!

  Christian love,

  Alex Rover
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  Tornintwo

  Don't go.

  You are not being true to yourself - you are going to give yourself another mental illness.

  I've been known TTATT for less than 6 months, Im now inactive and down to one meeting a month, and really it's when I want to go for my own reasons. My husband is still in, he's disappointed but not pressuring me, in fact when I do go he says 'why do you go if you don't really agree with it?' - we've agreed that he won't report about me to the elders, but they did come to see me and I told them I was doubting and confused, they aren't pressuring me, I have family issues too so people think that is partly the reason I'm not attending. My daughter is still going but she got really upset with me when I was attending because she said 'I can see you're heart's not in it and you don't want to be there, so I don't want you to do it for me', shes actually happier if I don't fake it, it is also giving her 'permission' to miss more meetings whilst she figures things out for herself.

  You seem to have the perfect excuse if they already consider you are unwell. Can't you tell your wife that you don't feel able to keep up with the jw demands at the moment, that you are not sure about some things and would rather keep your relationship with J personal at home? She might be upset, might even yell and scream but that won't last forever. Then your free, more time for yourself to do research, heal, find different interests, whatever.... no more faking and less internal pressure. You can always offer to support her in any way you can manage (with rides if needed or even go to assemblies if that will be the most difficult for her) but it sounds like its time to be honest for your own well-being.
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  freemindfade

  If there is anyway you can actually avoid going out and just keep turning in time. You may need to start fading.

  When I first started my Uber zealous wife who is pioneer flipped out. Now I am completely inactive and attend just a few Sundays a month to be a nice guy, and she knows I don't believe any of it. It took some pain and struggle but she accepts it. Feels she over reacted initially and also I believe is become disillusioned with some aspects of the religion herself.

  Express yourself more here and get support more often. It helps a lot.
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  punkofnice

  Delta - Are you able to talk to your other half honestly? Would she leave you? What would happen?

  You might be suffering Post Traumatic Stress syndrome.........I don't know, just a guess.

  You may need professional help.

  Can you gradually fade?

  It's a tough one for sure.
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  OnTheWayOut

  I have to agree with Tornintwo.

  I will also suggest a slower approach if you just can't have a serious talk with your wife yet, but this is only the poor alternative: at least cease the field recruiting activity.

  I was in a fairly similar situation. I was the gung-ho believer, 110% in. I did not have a mental breakdown but it was close. I did have to go to counseling shortly after I stopped going to meetings and face 20 year old issues concerning my mental health that I put off because "the end was near" and "the truth was all the counsel I should need."

  Anyway, I resigned as an elder and removed myself from the TMS and faked field recruiting for a few months, putting 1 or 2 hours on a slip, then went inactive altogether.

  Field recruiting is very depressing when you know that you don't even want people to read the trash you offer. Tell your wife that you will get a bit of informal witnessing in, then don't even do that. Count a bit of your time on the internet telling us "the truth."

  If you can do that, you can brace yourself to eventually tell more to your wife about missing meetings.
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  Magnum

  I, too, was an all-in believer. I lived it. I think back to where I was in the eighties, coming home every day and watching The CBS Evening News with Dan Rather, looking for indications that the "imminent" end was coming. It's shocking to compare my beliefs and situation now to those of that period.

  The arrogance, the self righteousness and the pride make me so unhappy

  I also observe the negatives of JWs such as arrogance, self-righteousness, smugness, ignorance, blindness, org & man worship (idolatry), lack of reasoning ability (or refusal to reason), etc. However, rather than such making me unhappy, they make me mad. I think it would be beneficial for you to have a similar reaction. Have justifiable, constructive anger; don't be unhappy. Unhappiness wears you down and drains you; anger (a controlled, healthy kind) can motivate, stimulate, and invigorate.

  Seek truth. Plan for the future. Watch the unfolding situation in JW land. It's really interesting to observe. I think we are going to see more changes. I believe you (we) will be vindicated at some point in the future.

  Lift your head up. Be a good person. Be caring and kind, but strong. Stand up for what you believe to be truth, but don't be like JWs; be reasonable and be willing to change if you find or are shown evidence that contradicts.
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  The Searcher

  DELTAWAVE, don't put yourself through another minute of this agony - do what others are advising, and stop immediately what you are doing on behalf of the Org.

  Forget "reasons" for stopping - elders cannot demand that you give them reasons for your decisions which are private & personal! Just prepare your responses for people who "are concerned about you."

  Even if you think you can trust your wife, don't reveal everything to her. The only time you can do so is when she starts to understand TTATT and talks to you about it.

  Take it easy, but be determined to do things one at a time. Privileges? Cease! "Personal reasons" again!

  Hope to read good news from you in your coming posts. All the best.
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  vinman

  Magnum wrote:

  However, rather than such making me unhappy, they make me mad. I think it would be beneficial for you to have a similar reaction.

  Good advice. My dad was a violent child abuser. My brothers did not turn out well. They have mental issues now. I on the other hand have had success and it really has had no detrimental affects. The reason: Magnum's advice. Anger at organization, not individuals, does help.
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  oppostate

  I'm in a very similar situation, went through the stages of grieving as I learned the TTATT. My wife is still very loyal to the WT, perhaps even more so as I drew away from taking an active part in meetings. I still go to Sunday talks, Assemblies and an occasional mid-week meeting, but I find it very hard to listen to the mind numbing nonsense, the only way I've found to manage is bring my kindle or the ipad and either search online or re-read portions of CoC and ISoCF by Ray Franz, and Jim Penton's superb JW history books, also other ex-jw books I can get on amazon.com

  Keeping the peace at home is important to me. My wife is a kind and very compassionate person but the cult personality imposes the judgments and "corporate-ocratic" mindset of the WT religion. I've been in for 30 yrs. so mostly those I know and feel close to are either active JW's or ex-JW's. It's a tough situtation, but it's getting easier to deal with the one's still under the mind-control, as long as I steer the conversation towards non-JW topics.