United States-
Satan the Devil, the wicked one, launched an extraordinary offensive tonight against Jehovah Himself. After taking control of the souls of NBC Dateline reporters, the Devil made a vicious and unprecedented attack against Gods own Organization. The report was aired on national television in a first ever primetime media campaign against the Most High. Not since the war in 1914 has the Dark Prince made such a bold move.
Several defensive attemps by angelic forces, including a scheduling conflict with an NBA playoff game, were mildly sucessful. Many of Gods people were fortunately in Kingdom Halls or at a weekly Bible study meeting, safe from the demonic broadcast though many brothers in Los Angeles and Sacramento were absent likely stricken with a malady brought on by Satan.
It was reported that many demons were disgruntled with Lucifer's efforts as of late. One unnamed high ranking demon last week told us "I dont know, I mean he is the ruler of the WHOLE world. We cant just sit back and hope the internet wins this for us, what about primetime news shows? We have to think out of the box."
This latest event might solidify Satan's tenuous hold as leader of the forces of evil.
Damage control efforts are expected immediately and the Governing Body of Jehovahs people are already in action. Much spiritual food and even impending new light has been repoted forthcoming by sources in Bethel, Gods earthly headquarters. Society leaders apparently had previous knowledge of the coming attack since they are in fact directed by Jehovah himself, and had made preparations.
When asked why Jehovah had allowed this attack one source said, "It is obvious why, we are being tested. This will really separate the sheep from the goats. I for one am not going to die at Armageddon because of some stupid television show."
Reprisals from Heaven are expected, but only in Gods due time.