How can i continue my fade vs the rubber band theorem that pulls my wife in (page 2)

Narcissistic Supply

YOu cannont save your wife if she does not want to get out. Smoking obviously means more to you than it does to her.

Tell your kids that you are their ticket to freedom. Tell your kids they can do, say, think, and experience anything they want in this world and you are going to help them achieve that. Tell them that their mom is stuck in a dangerous cult and you are going to help them have a normal life and experience everything they want in this world.

Show them by your actions that there are no limits. Show them by your actions that you are a man and you are not afraid of the ridiculous mind bending cult that their mom cannot get away from.

Everyone has their limits. Step up and be a man. Step up and speak your mind. Step up and say what you are thinking. If people were honest with each other, above all, this entire facaade would crumble. No question in my mind.

Stop the beating around the bush crap. Say what you think. Say what you feel. Let the chips fall. Be proactive. You are probably going to have a straw that breaks your back. Or you will just remain miserable for the rest of your life. Your choice.

Billy the Ex-Bethelite

Perhaps I'll add:

You could volunteer, "Indeed, let's get to the hall ASAP and start spending several hours per week studying. You need to have breakfast/dinner ready in plenty of time and have the children all dressed and ready to go so that we can be at the KH 20 minutes before the meeting starts. I have to work Saturday, so you should make arrangements with Sis. Pain-in-the-Donkey for you and the kids to work in FS. And maybe it would be good if the piosneers came over to study with each of the kids. And we should invite elderly Br. and Sr. Senile over for dinner to share stories about the old days. You can have the house ready for JWs to come over almost daily, right?"

I suspect that the very last thing she really wants is to go back. Frankly, if it was what she wanted, she would be going without you already. It's probably a copout on her part to blame you as the problem rather than embrace the reality that she would rather stay home, watch an R-rated movie, and smoke, rather than be waiting at the KH for the meeting to start while listen to Br. Senile tell about how he helped dig the latrines for some convention.

BU2B

I would let it slip out to the elders that she smokes. The unloving, harsh treatment she will experience may jar her into waking up to the true nature of the WT. Sometimes only a big event in someones life can serve as the impetus to finally get them to see what they did not before.

bohm

DS211: Take a deep breath and don't do anything!

It's christmas time, a magic time to be a dub, and on top of that she is properly feeling guilty and conflicted for smoking. It's tough you get the blame, but it sound a bit like normal relationship dynamics.

If she really is 100% comitted to be a dub, why is she not doing everything to stop smoking when jehovah hate it? if she is 100% comitted and love the meetings, why is she not just going? if she 100% want to study the bible and the watchtower, whats stopping her? these are really good signs in my oppinion.

You can't actively "talk" her out of it. You are the best judge of what happens if you tell her you don't want to go and that's it, but I think it's a good bet she will turn off her brain and give you the cult reply, like asking if you believe it's the truth, if you don't love jehovah and bla bla bla and before you know it the elders are knocking on your door.

Instead, try to distract her. Show her you love her unconditionally. Try to make plans for the weekends to do something she would like to do and remember to tell her you love her. If things are very difficult between you, do the same with your children and be a good dad.

Have you read Steven Hassans books? for instance "Releasing the bonds"? I am not getting a kickback for plugging it all the time, but I think you would benefit from reading it. It is focused on what you should do in your situation (getting a loved one out from a cult) from a professional perspective.

I would try to probe her beliefs about the organization. Why she is doing so many "wrong" things? Don't do it when she is guilty or nagging you (ie. she is closer to her cult personality). For instance you might ask her (when she has just had a cigerette): "are you trying to quit smoking?" then talk about that for a while and slip in: "don't think jehovah care too much if someone is having a cigeratte once in a while do you?" and see what happens.

Wrt. studying the bible -- I think its the wrong fight to take. If you can, I think you should do it. Rely minimally on WT publications (ie. just don't open them) and either make it very dry and booring, or see if you can get something good out of it. As I recall, you mentioned she had a problem with the evils being done by God. So you might try to poke her a bit like if you are reading about some of the warcrimes of the old testement you could let a comment slip along the lines of: "I was thinking about this the other day, do you really think God ordered them to kill all the childrens as well?" and see what sort of response she give.

Hang in there!

bohm

I would *NOT* let the bit about smoking slip to the elders. She don't need to be Poirot to know who did it and she would have every right to be f#cking pissed.

LostGeneration

I wouldn't throw her under the bus by telling the el-duhs she is smoking. You never know if the "kind readjustment" that they give to her will trigger her guilt and have her running back more zealous than ever.

Play it cool for now, how about this - "I feel like I'm not a good head of this family as long as you are smoking. I would feel like a hypocrite by sitting in the hall with that going on"

Then just shut up and see what happens. If she keeps on smoking, she doesn't want to go to meetings anymore and is just looking for a way out.

bohm

And another thing. I think this is the most important:

If she REALLY believe the GB are who they claim they are and accept their BS, why is she not CONFESSING that she is smoking like she should?

That she is not confessing her sins seems to be a very clear indication she is not that far "in" mentally.

DS211

Thanks guys for pulling me back down to reality...this being my only place to vent right now i hope i dont seem redundant in needing reminders to be patient. Thanks!

DS.

and Billy i was merely saying that if i told her i wanted out id be portrayed as the villain and that Satan has got to me...the elders could then pull the "well have u done personal study? Fam worship? But youved missed so many meetings thats why satan has infiltrated your home...thats my guess anyway

jgnat

Witnesses do far too much second-guessing and far too little heart-to-heart sharing. It's because of the extreme consequences if you let too much of yourself slip. But if you can't be yourself with your partner, what's the point?

Be patient, but be real, too. Ask first what she is going through, so she is convinced it is safe to talk about these things with you.

The WTS may try and fake it, but they can't do real.

DS211

Billy actually thats not too bad of a way to think lol.

Bohm: i have t read releasing the bonds but i did ask the cig question....and i slipped in "i dont think Jehovah would judge u so harshly after all its basically the same as someone who eats too much fast food, overeats, or drinks too much...yet people are allowed to do all those things except drink too much" she responded "oh yea i know". :-0

Narcisstic- as a man i understand i have a need to be strong and make a chouce and stand by it. Rationally its fantastic. I step iN and stand with conviction, she sees it and is moved or at least respects it. However witnesses arent so rational and i have seen the irrational side come out....it sucks. However if i do push too hard and thats my last resort i would do it.

Good advice guys definitely...ill keep ya updated.

How can i continue my fade vs the rubber band theorem that pulls my wife in

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