For those claiming to be the Biblical Christ-Messiah, you are wrong. I am the Christ! And, I can prove it.
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As proof, I find it more convenient to pick a modern year and event that I personally like, then revise history to fit to my pre-conceived ideas. It's so much easier to make history fit my theories when events can easily be manipulated and reinterpreted to suit my agenda. God does this all the time, you know. It's way easier than making detailed, specific predictions that cannot be misinterpreted, then watching them unfold exactly as I said they would. So, here goes:
Counting backwards 2,520 years from the year of my birth, we arrive at 555 BCE. This is the TRUE date of Jerusalem's destruction. I know, this disagrees with Bible chronology and all archeological evidence. But, the fact is all archeologists, scholars and historians are wrong and I am the only one on the entire planet that is right. It is common knowledge that all academics get a degree only to lie, deceive and promote their propoganda. The fact that none of them has been caught for hundreds of years for this grand conspiracy is truly amazing. I know, but it's true. You'd think as the Messiah I could do something about it, but I can't.
Anyway, Jerusalem was destroyed in 555 BCE despite the fact that I cannot produce any evidence to prove it. The Jews returned after 70 years in 485 BCE. Trivia: 7 is a perfect number as is 10. 10x7 is 70. 007 is a perfect number and identifies a cool secret agent. Coincidence? I think not! Now here's where it gets tricky. Psalm 90:10 says a generation is EXACTLY 80 years ( I know, I know! Ps. 90:10 does not use the word "generation", does not say it's exactly 80 years and there's no scriptural tie-in to the "generation" mentioned by Jesus. The psalmist was just making an observation on life. I also know that Ps. 90:10 mentions 70 years, but that number does not fit with the unique chronological timeline argument I will present shortly, so I conveniently ignore it. I am the Messiah, it's my prerogative to cherry-pick scriptures however I like).
We now subtract my grandmother's shoe size from 485 BCE , add 20 years (this number makes sense when you remember that Jews "liked" Artaxerxes and helped fudge a whole lotta dates in the official historical record to make everyone else in the ancient world look stupid) multiply by the number of licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. Then we must divide by 1,260 days, which gives us 3.5 day/years. I use days as counted in our modern solar Gregorian Calendar even though the ancients used a lunar calendar. Again, I choose to use a calendar method that was unknown to the secular and Bible writers, but I choose to believe that, if they actually had the Gregorian Calendar back then 2,100 years before it was invented, they probably would have used it. It's not their fault they lived too early in history. I correlate the massive day/year discrepancy between a solar and lunar calendar over the period of 2,500+ years by use of some very sophisticated mathematics that only I know. This also allows me to draw an otherwise impossible straight line from ancient dates to modern dates easily, without using proven equations that can be easily verified by my peers. Mathematicians, like archeologists, historians and scholars, are also in on the big conspiracy and only get university degrees to promote math propoganda and lies. Incidentally, 2+2 does not equal 4- they just want you to believe that it does.
Anyway, by taking the above-stated figures and factoring in a host of unrelated historical events, unrelated Bible texts, flawed chronologies, shaky evidence, fluffy bunnies, the number of people that bought tickets to Al Yankovich concerts but never attended, the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow (European), and a little hocus pocus, I arrive at the real date of Christ's (My) Second Coming: 2005. I arrived specifically midway between the summer of 2004 and the summer of 2005. Now, the fact that everyone on earth missed this event and nothing significant happened is beside the point. But hey! Am I crazy for claiming to be the Messiah? What were you expecting? An actual, irrefutable, visible sign ? I say it happened, so it happened. Only the unfaithful require evidence. Incidentally, I did not arrive until 2005 for one simple reason: I had to go through a "testing period" first. I took a lot of tests through elementary school, then Jr. High, High School and college. I took a urine test to get my professional license. This was necessary to prepare me for being the Messiah. Incidentally, being the Messiah-designate, I was able to deflect and nullify academic propoganda in college and I exited unsullied with a holy degree.
Now, I know you will probably dispute all that I have said here. But be warned: If you do, I will react by boring you to death with rambling 1,500 word diatribes, one after the other, in order to prevent you from getting a word in edgewise. You see, I'm not really interested in your views anyway but I do love to hear myself talk. I like to hijack other people's threads on JWN, figuring that people talking about random, unrelated subjects to mine also want to know my views. I will wear you down with illogic, convoluted reasoning, contradictions, sophistry, sarcasm, venom, impossible fiction and veiled threats. I win all wars of attrition because I have a lot of time on my hands and nothing else to do but wait around for some miraculous event sometime in the future that may in some way prove I am the Messiah...somehow. Being that I am the Messsiah, it seems obvious that I should know these things, but I don't.
When I take full Messianic Power, you will try to be my friend*, but I will reject you. I say that I'm only offering my opinions, but, in reality, I am very dogmatic and you must believe me. You better accept my opinions as fact, or else! I have tried to warn everyone through the Internet, but they won't listen. I guess I could use an awesome celestial display, like turning the sky blood-red, shaking the foundations of the earth and using a thunderous voice to announce my presence to the whole world simultaneously, giving everyone an equal and fair chance to accept me, but I feel online chat forums are just as good.
Listen to me now, believe me later!
Messiah out!
* Incidentally, I invented Facebook and Twitter...and the Slinky