Getting over this Memorial pressure

by nativenyr23 19 Replies latest jw friends

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  nativenyr23

  When does it end, you guys? I've been out of the org for 9 years now. My family is still in .....and after not speaking to me for 5 years, they're now talking to me again. I "blatantly" celebrate xmas, halloween, thanksgiving, birthdays, etc. And it's not a secret i don't wish to have any more dealings with the witnesses. About an hour ago, my grandmother calls me to ask me, "you know what today is"? my reply was "Thursday"....although i knew where she was going with this....So she tells me tonight's the memorial, and would I go with her... I told her "NO WAY. Why would i want to go?" she gets mad and then I tell her "grandma, let's not discuss this" but she won't let up and wants to know WHY i've changed so much.....I tell her i know too much about the "truth" to know better. anyway, we get into a big fight and now things are tense between us again. she'll surely call my mom and now give her her "side" to this and things will get weird w/her too. I've been out for almost 10 years! WHEN WILL THEY LET IT GO!
  UGH. and to make matters worse, my ex-husband (who is still in the Org. and has our kids every other weekend) lied to me about taking the kids on a trip and him needing them tonight. So i called him and flat out asked "When are you leaving for the trip"? He says "6:00 a.m. tomorrow morning". and I said "well then why do you want them tonight?" knowing what he'd say. When he told me he wanted to take them to the memorial i said I'd rather they didn't attend. Well, he got bossy on me (like he used to) and said I'M TAKING THEM TO THE MEMORIAL, TONIGHT. and i said NO YOU'RE NOT. IT'S NOT YOUR NIGHT. I'LL LET YOU HAVE THEM EARLY IF YOU'RE LEAVING FOR THE TRIP BUT NOT FOR THE MEMORIAL. He finally said, ok. I'm not fighting you on this. (like he'd win, HA!) So he's picking them up afterwards.

  Whew...ok. There - I've vented. But i'm still angry. I'm having such a hard time cooling off from these 2 conversations! When will it not affect me so???? anyone else out there still getting this pressure from family and ex's trying to brainwash your kids? and how do you deal with it so it doesn't become a HUGE ISSUE and destroy the little progress you make with them?
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  mouthy

  Read your post & I am so sorry-They are like a dog with a bone.They cannot let up.But if it is any consolation- They really do think they are doing the will of God.My Jehovahs Witness daughter e-mailed me to make sure I knew what day it was- I was "ousted "in 1987- I just e-mailed her back & said Yes I am going to my memorial as Jesus asked us to do. But since I am one of the ALL- I will be partaking. Jesus said ALL of you !!!!Then I chatted about family things that are going on. Kept it light.They must have new light about speaking to "evil slaves" So many are getting calls from family they have not heard from in years. Any one Know? Come on you JWs - It is great to see your listening to Jesus - who told us Love covers a multitude of sin.
  To love those who persecute you ........
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  dmouse

  I shouldn't worry unduly about the kids, mine go to all the meetings with my wife but they can't wait to get home. They have much more indoctrination than I could ever match timewise but if you know what you're doing you can surreptitiously help your children to block the mind-control techniques. Just teach them how to think, rather than what to think.

  I agree with the memorial being a time of pressure, I suffer a lot of tension around this time because I know it’s going to cause ill feeling with my JW wife and in-laws when I politely decline their offer to attend.

  This year has been a biggie as far as contacting inactive ones has been concerned.
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  Yadirf

  dmouse says: "Just teach them how to think"

  Interpreted, demouse really said: "Just teach them how to think worldly."

  Before that demouse said: "If you know what you're doing you can surreptitiously help your children to block the mind-control techniques"

  Interpreted, demouse really said: "If you know what you're doing you can surreptitiously help your children to not know God."

  Daniel 11:35 ... a KEY prophecy that must be fulfilled before the "time of the end" gets underway.
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  LDH

  Hi Native! Welcome to the board. Ignore Yadirf, he's a necessary evil.

  I grew up in NY, Syracuse to be exact. But I've spent a TON of time downstate, we may know each other.

  Drop me an email if you want.

  Lisa
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  Will Power

  From the sounds of it, they are expecting VERY low numbers this year, so to compensate they are calling everyone and anyone? Sounds kind of desperate to "look good" like they are still growing. Personally, I wouldn't believe any number they produce. Turning a 6 into an 8, or a 1 into a 7 is way to easy.
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  Francois

  nativenyr23:

  Your emotional reaction to these efforts by your family will last just so long as you allow THEM to control YOUR emotions. Ask yourself why you do this, why you give them control of such an important thing as your wa, your inner harmony. You cannot be walked on unless you lie down first.

  Obviously, the buttons they always pushed to get a reaction from you are still wired up. Perhaps you might visualize these connections being broken. Then, when the buttons are pushed, nothing happens - and that will mean that you are incontrol of you.

  Think about the fact that there are no personal boundaries in the JWs. Anyone of them can just walk right through what would normally be a personal boundary and poke around in your business. But you CAN learn to set boundaries for them and make them stick. You told a beautiful story about setting a boundary for your ex. You can repeat that with your family. And it seems you did just that with your grandmother. Their reaction to your boundary-setting is THEIR problem, not yours.

  Were you a "fixer" when you were in Da Troof? If someone was angry, was it your job to fix it? Was there alcohol abuse? Were you abused in any way? Physically, emotionally, sexually, psychologically? If you were a fixer, you probably still feel it's still your role to "fix" it if someone is mad at you. Their anger is their problem. Let them deal with it. Parents often attempt to make their anger your problem. Refuse it.

  I hope you don't mind my blathering on like this. However, what you describe is very like what I went through. And when I took control, set firm boundaries, refused to give in - give control of my emotions to my family, and made them deal with their own anger, well, they were shocked. I got the usual reaction: you're crazy; after all we've done for you; you need help; we'll pay for a psychologist; we're ok, you're fucked up. Screw that.

  Francois
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  drahcir yarrum

  If there is a God, you sure as hell won't find him at a Kingdom Hall.

  "Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life son." Dean Vernon Wormer, Faber College
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  nativenyr23

  Thank you all for your replies....i feel so much better knowing that i'm not alone. I try telling my friends of my frustrations but it's hard for them to understand because they don't know the complexities involved when dealing w/the witnesses.

  MOUTHY: thanks for your words of encouragement.

  DMOUSE: your phrase "teach them how to think" really rang true with me. I am so worried they'll win over my children that what i tend to do is to what they do with the opposite message...adamantly oppose their teachings. I'll work on it. any more advise you can give me with regards to the children will be greatly appreciated. I really want them to have a balanced life.

  Yadirf: UGH. your comment - "help your children to not know God". My children do know God. They know he's loving....and they don't have nightmares nightly like I did about armaggedon coming and destroying us....and nightmares about the tribulation coming - and someone holding a GUN to my mother's head and asking me, Jehovah or your mom! And feeling "weird" at school because i was sooo different from the others. And having stomach aches at the beginning of each school year because i knew i had to EXPLAIN to my NEW teacher WHY i was different. I've spared my children all these "LOVING PROVISIONS" your organization gave me as a child. And what's a shame is that this LOVING organization I grew up in, the one in which i had so many friends, all turned their backs on me....IN SUCH A "LOVING CHRISTIAN MANNER".....never again. I know what tonight's REALLY about...."Which sister has the most expensive dress tonight at the hall.....and Who's Kid is dressed the best;" My children will know God....don't need your demented ORG to warp their little heads.

  Francois: YES! YES! I'M THE FIXER. my god you were so RIGHT ON on your description of me. the only abuse in my home was excessive discipline from my father (a ministerial servant) and his obsession with having the "model" family. . . and then his drinking when he was upset about something. Never drunk, that i could tell, but he would lock himself in the den and drink while listening to sad music.....and play the "Woe is Me" game.....still does it too! depression bad, but of course, he won't see anyone about it. Anyway, i'm the first born and i'm CONSTANTLY the fixer. Even had my parents calling me to help FIX their marriage! ugh.

  Would love to chat further with any of you. Please email me if you like: [email protected].

  LOVE ALL OF YOU ....thanks for making me feel better!!!!
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  Yadirf

  nativenyr23

  Yadirf: And feeling "weird" at school because i was sooo different from the others. And having stomach aches at the beginning of each school year because i knew i had to EXPLAIN to my NEW teacher WHY i was different. I've spared my children all these "LOVING PROVISIONS" your organization gave me as a child

  So what you're saying is if being "different" makes it hard upon a person then YOU choose not to be righteous. Now don't argue with me, saying that's not what you meant! You said it! You meant it! You're a coward, because you cry when you have to take a stand.

  And what's a shame is that this LOVING organization I grew up in, the one in which i had so many friends, all turned their backs on me....IN SUCH A "LOVING CHRISTIAN MANNER".....never again.

  Why should you expect anything different? Remember YOU demonstrated that you cared nothing about principles.

  I know what tonight's REALLY about...."Which sister has the most expensive dress tonight at the hall.....and Who's Kid is dressed the best;" My children will know God....don't need your demented ORG to warp their little heads.

  My, you ARE desperate now aren't you! A special occasion calls for more than the usual dress, if it can be afforded. You were simply jealous that the other sisters had more appreciation than you for the occasion and showed it by their attire. You've got heart problems.

  Yadirf

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