Newbie - I need advice!

by awakening 43 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  awakening

  Well here it is, my first post! It feels like a huge step like the point of no return. I am a born in, still in wanting to get out ms. I have refused eldership, used to pioneer and have sooo many stories. My wife is still in and has no idea how i feel about TT. She knows i have struggled with child abuse policy since an event at our hall that defied belief. The most important relationship to me is the one i have with my wife. The advice i need is how do i exit without damaging that relationship?

  I already feel bad for living the lie- pretending to be in. The option of staying in has become intolerable to me, i find the meetings sicken me to the pit of my stomach! I have long known that TT wasnt for me but now i know TTATT i feel such a hypocrite attending and pretending. Hypocricy was one of my greatest bugbears with the society. My family are all in and i think i could face the guilt trips from them if i fade, but what about my wife?

  Any ideas or personal experiences would be appreciated. BTW it feels great to speak with complete freeness of speach here, probably one of the first times in my witness life!
• 

  Think About It

  Welcome to JWN.

  P.S.....Start offering to take her to do fun things during meeting times, and see if she accepts. That could be a beginning right there.
• 

  jgnat

  The key is not to startle her, and to respect her own timing and her own thoughts. Everyone deserves to have their opinions respected. A gentle way to do this and well within the WT guidelines, is to introduce independent thinking on family study night. If you aren't doing family study night, start. Ask open ended questions and validate all her opinions (whether you agree or not).

  I strongly recommend that you learn about the cultist mindset and how to appeal to the natural person, as taught by Steve Hassan.

  www.youtube.com/watch?v=sw-oF-Z_I7U

  People are more themselves the longer they are away from the meetings reinforcement. So time away just the two of you is always good.
• 

  punkofnice

  Welcome 'newbie'

  Tread carefully. Unlike myself I blurted it all out and it cost me my family. My wife left because I was no longer a JW!!

  Perhaps pose impossible questions in the family study(TM) to be looked at, under the guise that someone might ask at the doors(TM).

  If you want out you will find a way but beware it doesn't cost you your family like it did with me.
• 

  tiki

  welcome - and best wishes for a simple withdrawal from the religion. many here have found themselves in similar circumstances - and every situation and relationship is different. you may get many different ideas - some may work for you, others not so much.

  i was "in" for a long time bodily, but long after my very long fade i began to realize how very "out" i actually really was all those years. like you, a very hideous child abuse case was the last straw - the condoning of pedophilia really really got to me - but however you formulate your exit - be honest with yourself first and foremost. there is no point in living a hypocrisy pretending to have your heart in something that sickens you to the core. how your wife responds is very important to you obviously - and you know her best - go with your heart.
• 

  jgnat

  A suggestion to deal with your own feelings of hypocrisy, and to buy yourself some time with the wife, consider yourself an undercover agent from now on. Take a blank notebook and make notes of things that are wrong in the meetings. Like Paul, be an "ambassador for Christ", a foreigner in a foreign land. Don't spook the natives.
• 

  Emery

  Welcome awakening!

  We all find it amazing how so many are leaving at this time, especially people in prominent positions at their halls. The journey is amazing, but it will have its bad times as you'll see much of your social investment go to waste when you begin your fade. What I would recommend is if you plan on trying to take the path of least resistance while fading, you need to first speak with your elders and notify them that you are finding it difficult to perform your duties as an MS and that mentally you cannot handle it anymore. Using depression goes a long way in the organization to allievate suspicion. Do not do anything in haste, the most important part is that you're already mentally free.

  Eliminating yourself from social networking helps a lot! If you find yourself on multiple social networking sites where all your friends are mostly Jdubs like on twitter, facebook, etc. get off of these asap. Shutting those things down will help you stay out of sight and out of mind for many witnesses. (creating a new one and blocking all the jdub friends helps too)

  At some point down the road ask to be taken off TMS if you can help it (moving to another hall helps eliminate this request).

  Moving away to a sister congregation or another congregation where people do not really know you. Moving to foreign language congregations really does take you off the grid with all or current witnesses in your social circle, its not like they are going to know your activies, or schedule with the Korean congregation.

  Planning many activities that will be fun for you and your wife does help take attention away from the JW routine, i.e; vacations, cruise, road trips, dinners, concerts, etc. Its a win win, and by your actions constantly assure your wife of your unconditional love.

  Of course I could keep going on with this but ill let others chime in too, welcome!
• 

  mouthy

  Welcome awakening. My suggestion is to say you are having a time of depression would would like to step down
  Becareful because you could lose your family if you reveal your doubts. ( I lost mine).As Granny on Board all
  I want to do is below.
  "Dear Heavenly Father.You can see where another of your children is realizing the False Prophet is truly that.
  I come before you & ask that you guide ,lead,direct this man to do as YOU suggest to his heart.So that he
  will not lose his family.You KNOW this child of yours... Please I beg you in Jesus Name to be with him as
  he faces this very big problem ,In Christ Jesus AMEN"

  I hope all goes well for you ....
  http://exjw.weebly.com Grace Gough
• 

  Greybeard

  Welcome,

  I agree with Punkofnice, my family cut me off about two years ago and my wife left me four months ago. The family was hard to take but knew I could however, my wife leaving me delt me a very heavy blow. We were like soul mates married 19 years. i still find it hard to believe she is gone. I am still trying to win her back. You do not have an easy choice my friend, sad to say. If I had it all to do over again, I think I would do things different. be VERY careful who you tell anything to. If you want to keep your wife, start being the BEST husband you can be, especially if you stop going. I did have panic attacks so I used that first off when I stopped. My wife stayed home to listen to meetings with me for a couple years. I stopped listening to the meetings soon but she could tell her friends I was listening. Anyway, If you want to keep what you have, don't chase it away like i have. I was so pissed and said many things to her I regret. THE FACTS just don't work with these people. I tried hard to share them... Some get lucky, I didn't. Probably the LESS you push what you know, the more they will try to dig for it... Be careful who you let into your world now who is still a JW. Any two can get you DFed. LOVE never fails. Maybe do some real cool good things like work at a Food Bank as a volunteer or something more than handing out cult propaganda on Saturday morning. Show your wife the truth by BEING A BETTER PERSON. I am very active in AA and am working at a Food Bank. That makes me feel good and good things have came my way. Still, nothing will ever replace the love of my life and that hurts every day, every moment. I still want her back. You are wise to come here and ask these questions. Check out jwfacts.com and jwstruggle.com / Good luck bro!

  Greybeard
• 

  skeeter1

  Welcome. You ask not easy questions.