marriage without affection/sex/touching

by zeb 67 Replies latest social relationships

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  Imminent1975

  I wanted to bump this thread and ask for advise and mature discussion without this becoming dirty. I am having a similar problem in my marriage of over 20+ years. I have talked with the Mrs.es about the lack of intimacy in our marriage and she told me that she was ok for me to (the Maa word) myself? NOT that I share the WT's view of (the Maa word), but, I was somewhat shocked by my wife suggesting this as a solution. WThell.

  She is in her late 40's. Is this a normal stage for women? I work hard to provide for my family and have a good job; I have a beautiful intelligent teenage daughter as a result of our marriage. My wife is still attractive, and I have maintained myself physically also and am not grossly overweight or bald etc.

  My wife is and has always been very easy to live with and not jealous of other women, (although,I don't give her any reason to be jealous). However, from the beginning of our marriage she has historically not been overly interested in sexual relations. The first year of marriage was in Bethell, yes, a bad decision made by me. But it did give her the opportunity to establish herself independently from her mother.

  She is not financially demanding, she is frugal, loving, carries good conversation, is not argumentative, nor judgemental towards me. She understood when I discussed and explained to her my new position about the teachings of JW's. Within 6 months she had stop attending the meetings also . I encouraged her to go to the community college to become an RN and she recently graduated and now has a job at the hospital as a Registered Nurse. She is a hard worker and now she does contribute to the finances of our family.

  Not that I have discussed my personal problem with men on the job, but I have listened to their stories, and there are several that have moved their wifes out and either divorced or separated them when sexual intimacy stopped.

  I am not fond of the idea, but I have given some thought to seeking from outside the marrage sexual intimacy. I am still an attractive funny man, and if I pressed the matter I'm sure that there would be suitors to have relations with. The Mrs.es even mentioned something about being careful not to get a STD.

  What should I do? I am not fond of the roommate companionship that I have.
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  ABibleStudent

  Hi Imminent1975, Have you asked your wife about going to a marriage counselor or sex theripist? She could be just disinterested in sex, she could be going through menopause, she may want more romance than sex, and she could have residual WTBTS phobias about sex. Seek professional help before making your decision about seeking intimacy outside of your marriage.

  Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,

  Robert
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  LisaRose

  No this is not normal. I think you need to sit down with your wife and have a discussion, something other than "take care of it yourself". Intimacy is very important in a marriage, it's not just an itch that needs to be scratched. If she can't or won't tell you why she is not interested, then get counseling. Sometimes the desire for sex does lesson as we get older, but it doesn't mean it stops altogether. Is she harboring a grudge or are there unresolved conflicts in the marriage? Do you take her on dates? I am old, but my husband and I still have "date night". Sometimes we go out, sometimes we stay in and watch a movie. Is your wife overworked and tired?

  It could be a medical issue, it could be she just never enjoyed it, you should have a better understanding of why. Did she enjoy it before, but not now? If she didn't enjoy it before, why? Usually, for women, they have to figure out how to it works by themselves (yes, the ma word), before they can show you what turns them on. A vibrator would be a useful tool if she is open to that. As women age, hormones decrease, which might make sex uncomfortable, but the doctor can give her a hormone cream or suppository for that. There could be other health issues.

  I know it's a difficult subject to discuss, but if you don't confront it it will never get fixed.
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  Iown Mylife

  A book people have made fun of for years but is actually very helpful: Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.
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  Crazyguy

  I think when a woman is not interested in sex or intamacy at all, its time to move on. You may stay married and look for a mistress or end the marriage. I personally could'nt do it. My wife is not a sexual or as intamant as I would like but I can still make it work. But I am starting to get back in shape and take better care of myself for her. I'm also taking more time to be creative about things to do with her to not make it so 1 dementional. If these things do not help and things start to get worse then yes I will move on. I will not live the rest of my life alone in my own house with a wife as just a roomate. Healthy people, woman included, need intamacy, its part of being a human.
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  eyeuse2badub

  TRUE STORY!------I got DF'ed because I admitted that I had oral sex with my wife. Although we both enjoyed oral sex, it "violated" God's laws, don't ya know. That was in November of 1977. In the December 1977 WT, question from readers section, "nu-lite" revealed that oral sex with your spouse was now a matter of conscience. I was reinstated in February 1978. Yes Jehovah does provide "food at the proper time" thru the "spirit directed" 'faithful slave' don't ya know! I was DF'ed for 3 months for something that the "spirit directed faithful slave" got WRONG. Sad that thousands have died because the "spirit directed faithful slave" got the blood thing WRONG!

  Just saying!

  eyeuse2badub
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  humbled

  I've been married 38 years, my husband is 19 years older than I am. I was a JW for 22 years. He and I have 7 children.

  We have had PLENTY of trouble in our marriage. But I think it wrong to use sex as a weapon in marriage. If troubles are not being dealt with and you need to address them--don't withhold sex and think you will maake a point.

  I had a legal separation from my husband--no sex then, of course. The matters we had to deal with went beyond sex.

  I know non-JW couples who do not have sex. It causes a level of tension and sadness. They work together and are admirable in many ways--but in all three cases the women have shut it down.

  I think it is fair to say that even if a woman is not "into it" that much(and maybe more especially)a man appreciates/needs your gift.--Get a bottle of scotch or some wine and say "Welcome home, baby" and turn off the lights.
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  Oh Gawd

  Not normal at all in the sense of a good relationship, but I suspect that it's not unusual for couples regardless of religion to have issues which carry over into their sex lives. I'm lucky I suppose in that my wife( a born in who never believed) had a sex drive I wasn't sure I could keep up with. At 50 that hasn't really changed but if her JW parents had any idea of some of the things we do I think they would vomit...lol!

  However, I also know that according to my wife some of her friends are quite jealous of our situation. It seems that a lot of men, for whatever reason, lose their drive along the way.

  Personally, I couldn't begin to imagine a marriage that didn't involve two people willing to do whatever it took to fullfil the sexual desires of each other. I also couldn't imagine being with a women who didn't shock me (in a good way:) someyimes. And one last thing....DON'T turn off the lights for crying out loud!!
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  apostatekate

  Not only was oral sex a huge topic in the 80s, they didn't sheild us JW children from the discussion. I remember being in book study with my family, I was 6-7 years old and they were discussing oral sex in front of the children!

  I honestly believe my lack of sexuality and shyness in the bedroom is due to growing up in this cult. It's such a hard thing to overcome. I'm not sure I'll ever be comfortable in my sex life and I've been married to a wonderful, loving man for 15 years. Thankfully our marriage has survived in spite of my hang-ups.
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  Julia Orwell

  Guys this is terrible. Listen to yourselves. You have this lovely woman you been with for years anf you want to drop her the minute she can't perform. I have all those stupid watchtower inhibitions and I want so much to do this or that sex thing but the watchtower conditioning is so strong even though I'm out, I just don't know where to begin. Also, stress can kill a woman's drive and anyone who's been in the wt has tonnes of that even when they leave.

  So I can't perform because of that wt stress right now and other stressful things too, and I explain it to my husband and apologize. He says he understands but is he like you men who can't wait to ditch your woman?