DRY BEGGING....

by Snoozy 43 Replies latest social family

• 

  AnneB

  Before y'all are too hard on your kids, consider this: Indirectness is the language of subservience. It means the person is in a lower place than the one they are addressing.

  Think of Kings and their subjects: could the servant walk up and take a piece of the king's chocolate cake? Could the servant even *ask* for some of the cake? Nope! But...if the king was in a good mood the servant might be able to comment on how good the cake looked and, if the king thought of it, he might offer some of the cake to the servant....and no one stepped out of their role!

  Kids don't think they have the "right" to ask, in many cases. Even when they do, they remember all the times they've been refused. They aren't sure of what rules apply and in most families, rules are applied haphazardly anyhow, so kids are never sure where they stand or what they can do. They're "lower". They know it. They do their best to get what they want/need while minimizing the risk of refusal.

  Whatever happened to the days when a person could compliment without being accused of indirect manipulation? Is praise disappearing from the world?
• 

  tenyearsafter

  With my first wife, I dry begged all the time...which led to dry humping! LOL
• 

  mrsjones5

  Kids don't think they have the "right" to ask, in many cases. Even when they do, they remember all the times they've been refused. They aren't sure of what rules apply and in most families, rules are applied haphazardly anyhow, so kids are never sure where they stand or what they can do. They're "lower". They know it. They do their best to get what they want/need while minimizing the risk of refusal.

  Oh, so that's way my oldest son does that.

  Noted

  *goes away to ponder my mothering ways*
• 

  TheClarinetist

  I agree with Anne... but that may be because dry begging is reponsible for me having been able to eat the last couple of months. LoL. I think there's a line somewhere between dry begging and manipulating, though they use some of the same techniques. It might be, for example, that manipulating someone is getting them to do something that they don't want to do, while dry begging can refer to letting someone be aware of your situation and asking for help in a way that doesn't come off as presumptious... Though like I said, I'm a little biased because I've been very active at that lately.
• 

  mrsjones5

  Clarinestist, have you tried going to a food pantry?
• 

  LV101

  Many children are quite confident to get what they want from others and have been raised with an "entitlement" mentality. See it daily from a generation of parents who have had to work so very hard and naturally want everything better/easier for them. Work ethics have changed dramatically in this country --- and perhaps they were too rigid in the past and more time is needed for rest/play/socialization --- but the pendulum has swung to an extreme re/work ethics and responsible individuals. Not implying many have NOT been raised to be responsible and self sufficient and to get an education --- many are and have. An incredible amount of education in many arenas has to be in play and, unfortunately, INFO was limited for years (we didn't have courses in school how to be a good parent) and thankfully great resources are available today, in comparison.

  Stupid watchtower and their position on education has hurt and will continue to devastate future generations.
• 

  wasblind

  Good idea Josie,

  there are probably several locations

  that can be accessed at different times

  learnin' these times and locations could

  help out a lot
• 

  Snoozy

  I visited a psychologist one time that my other daughter was seeing..we even talked about this daughters problem there..she explained that the daughter wasn't a munipulator but that she knew HOW to munipulate..to get what she wanted. Don't know what the difference was unless it has to do with labeling people..

  For over a year she had started getting monthly money out of me for this emergency or that..it started to be a game with her I think because each month it got to be a little more untill it finally hit over $300. one month..and never able to pay a penny back.( I am sure she felt entitled as one posted stated)

  I finally had to lay down the law as I couldn't afford it any longer. I told her she needed to get more control of her finances and I would help her with a budget if she wanted. She got mad at me and didn't talk to me for a year, saying it was because I humiliated her..

  Recently she started the Dry begging..before she had come right out most of the time and just asked for it. The phone calls used to be every few minutes untill I answered..( I counted over 20 in a row one time) cell and home. Now it's facebook..the sob stories..
  This time we have a mutual friend and the mutual friend and I were able to compare sob stories and found out she is lying to both of us. She got $40. out of this friend and a few days later got a full tank of gas and another $40. out of me. Using the same sob story on both of us..this friend was falling for her sotries also.

  I recently told her I wanted to take her and her son out for dinner as her Birthday present..It was going to be a steakhouse so it would be around $20. a piece..close to $100. for all of us.I told her that her son could even bring a friend..(12 year old). She later sent me a message teling me how her cat needed to be fixed really bad as she had recently bought a new rug and he sprayed on it.. she then went on to say that
  "If you are planning on getting me a present besides taking me out to eat, I found someone that would neuter him for $50. most places charge $75. I would take the money and have that done now so I wouldn't have to wait till I get paid on the 15th..".
  Just a note..I could swear I gave her money to have this done shortly after she got the cat. I know she has n ointention of using the money on the cat. She doesn't get paid till the 15th and is likely out of money. I always knew when she would call as she gets paid on the 1st from her work and on the 15th gets a good sized child support check from her ex. She probably thinks she will use any money she gets from me for herself and have the cat done later..which I doubt!....

  I immediately went into the ashamed mode of course, not having planned to do anything other than get her a cake and a candle besides the dinner and offered to give her the money instead of getting a cake (which would have cost about $10.)..This was the closest she has come this time for asking directly for the money, usually she sings woe is me for a while till I give in)..I ended up cancelling the dinner and sending her $50. I since read the article about Dry Begging and saw how this applied to her..it was like a light bulb going off in my head. Thankfully I wised up before she was able to get the dinner and the $50. out of me!

  So I tell her later that any money to be lent will have to be paid back before I will lend again..I will charge a $5. transaction fee..and she will have to pick it up and deliver it back to me..I had often in the past took it over there because she was so tired or she had used all her gas and couldn't make it all the way to my house..only to be pushed out the door so to speak after she got the money. She never considered them loans in the past just that I was helping her out of the kindness of my heart..so this time I wanted to make it clear!

  She was pissed! Said it seemed like I wanted to start a fight! (Seems she realized I was on to her..and I felt good!) I explained I wanted to be there for her but I could no longer afford to just hand out money..

  Snoozy..Love having learned about "Dry Begging" it's like al big load has been lifted form my shoulders..

  edited to add..I also put a $50. maximum amount restriction on the loans figuring it wouldn't be too far out of her reach to pay back.
• 

  miseryloveselders

  I used to work with a dude named Mike, he had some issues to say the least. Good dude, but something was a little off upstairs. He used to see what I'd eat for lunch, and start droppin hints like, "Wow that looks good. Maybe I'll cook up something later. Where'd you order that from? How much was it? They gave you that much too? I'll see if the wife will cook up some later." He'd do this everyday, and it never really bothered me, because I can be a selfish bastard when push comes to shove. He moved to North Carolina, and I miss the dude. I was suggesting that we link up at a popular wing joint, me and him, as a saying goodbye good gesture. He was thrilled because I'd be paying for it. I didn't mind, I genuinely wanted to pay for it cuz I like the cat. Well, it never transpired for whatever reasons. I'm not on FAcebook or Myspace or any of that mess, and I asked a girl who is to say wsup to him on my behalf, and he never responded. I'm under the impression he felt slighted since it didn't work out. Easy come easy go is my motto when it comes to people, especially people you work with. He definately was looking for a free meal without asking directly. All he had to do was ask me, and I'd do it, and he wouldn't owe me anything. I hate when mofos do that okey dokey nonsense. Just be straight up with me, and I'll give you my shirt.

  There's plenty of JWs who pull that crap too. After you've given them your shirt, its amazing how quick the relationship goes sour once they get what they want. So much for love. I guess the old adage is true, about it being more profitable to be feared rather than love.
• 

  Snoozy

  I had a girlfriend like that also..a witness..lol
  She always didn't have enough gas or any money and would call me to run her around..

  I later found out had over $3,000 in a savings account in just her name..I felt abused after that..I didn't have squat in a savings account..

  I recently hooked up with one of her daughters that moved in with her to "help her out" and she was complaing abouthow her mom was so bad off money wise since her husband passed away..(Not the girls dad). I told her not to fall for it as she was a expert in hoarding her money..turns out that she later came up with $950 for something she wanted (the mom)..I told the daughter.."I told you so"..

  Snoozy