The Loving Disfellowshipping Arrangement

by headisspinning 41 Replies latest watchtower bible

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  jamiebowers

  I'm not sure what 'guardian ad litem' means... here in Canada, there are different types of custody (joint, sole etc.). His ex-wife flat out refused to give him a 'scriptural divorce' unless he agreed to all the terms of the agreement her lawyer drew up. That agreement stated that she had sole custody and that he had visitation rights only - but she even specified that he could only see them in HER province. He is not even allowed to bring them here which is crazy. He has always been a great father and there is absolutely no issue about that at all. She also has the kids convinced that more than one phone call with their Dad per week is too much despite the fact that he bought and pays for their cell phones.

  For me, I have 50/50 joint custody of my kids but it doesn't do me much good. My ex and I agreed that we would go by the table amounts for child support which in theory is fine but any time we start talking about them living here 50% of the time he gets them all upset and freaked out and ruins any progress that I've made. In his words he 'helps them to make an informed decision' but what he's really doing is manipulating the situation and their emotions so that he has that child support money in his pocket.

  I think how both of our exes have acted has been terrible. They have used the fact that we are disfellowshipped to their own advantage and brainwashed the kids.

  I just hope that maybe when the kids are adults they will look back and see the truth.

  A guardian ad litem is a court appointed representative for the kids only to serve their best interests. As far as your husband's divorce agreement, agreements can be revised. Since he can prove that his ex is keeping the kids fro even phone calls, he would probably have grounds to reopen the case. You should definitely check with your attorney. As for your kids, there's no way you should let your ex bully you out of your 50% custody. You let him do it, because you feel unworthy as a df'd person, but in reality you were simply kicked out of a cult, and he needs to get off hs ass and get a job.
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  headisspinning

  Thank you Jamie. I had not idea about a 'guardian ad litem'. That is a wonderful suggestion. That's what the kids need.

  My husband and I wrote a letter to his ex... well to be honest... I wrote it and he is going to 'massage' it a little to make it sound more like it's coming from him. But, he wanted to appeal to her directly before we get 'nasty' (which is really not nasty, just means getting a lawyer)... but you can only imagine how the JWs will twist it.

  As for my bully of an ex... I am so scared of hurting the kids. They told me they were open to working towards coming back her half the time this summer. But once I mentioned it to my ex all hell broke lose. I don't know what he said to them - all I know is that both of them were sobbing - when I talked to them next they just begged me to not talk about it anymore. There was no pressure or any tension at all when I talked to them here. I don't know what happened... Well, except that I do... he manipulated and terrified them.

  My ex is a force to be dealt with.

  He has it worked out so that between child support and handouts from the government he is getting $1000 a month. If the kids need clothes he goes to my sisters with a sob story about how they don't have a mother and he gets clothes for them that way. It's just sick because 80% of the clothes my children are wearing are from us. My kids get bathed when they are here. My sister paid to get my daughter's hair cut. I paid for her highlights. I pay for her cell phone and I also bought by son's PS3 and again, about 80% of his games. My ex is milking the situation resulting from my disfellowshipping for all it's worth. Just the same and my husband's ex is doing...

  All in the name of the Lord.

  Nice, hey?
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  etna

  I agree with nugget, it is a disgusting form of BULLYING. It is a cult and thats why they have to scare people. CULT, CULT, CULT, CULT.

  Etna
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  Broken Promises

  So let me get this right....

  After reading other posts of yours.... you ran off with your now husband, and got df'd within 2 weeks. You both have children, so two families have been broken up due to your actions. Your ex husband is the main custodian of the kids, and you complain about him receiving benefits for caring for them?

  The Society has constantly said that when two people appear to "scheme" to leave their partners, marry and come back to "the truth", it will take longer for them to return. This is because many others have done the same, and it's not fair on the innocent parties to see their ex-partners reinstated in record-short time, and then sitting in the congregations with their new partners as if they did nothing wrong. I''m not saying that this was the case in your situation, but I can see why the elders would be more heavy-handed than they would with others.

  Of course your ex-partners are going to be bitter. This has all happened in less than 2 years. Give them time. Try to think how you would feel if this happened to you.

  I think your letter to your sister is good. But don't expect to be able to play Happy Families for a while yet. Two families have been split apart, and it's hard for people to reconcile their emotions.

  Give it time.
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  mamalove

  Broken Promises, Perhaps the OP and her now husband did not handle their desire to split from their unhappy marriages the best, in light of the fact they hooked up before they were divorced from their spouses. However, we should not judge them as we do not know what kind of life they were enduring being married to their spouses. People have a right to be happy.

  How things are gone about is a different story. BUT, she cannot change the past. She and her husband can only go forward. Those hurt or rejected by the split and divorce often use their hurt and anger as a tool for POWER. That is not right either. Kids should not be used as weapons, which is happening here. The set of JW parents are hurting their children by encouraging the alienation of the other set is flat out abuse. Those kids will have an effect later in life, no doubt about it.

  I think you are right though. As time goes on, the hurt on all levels will lessen and hopefully things can be patched up.
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  Mad Sweeney

  You and your husband are WAY too nice or you just haven't learned from your experiences yet.

  To JWs, you are worse than any worldly person could ever be. You are right there alongside Satan the Devil himself in terms of their respect for you or any of your wishes, and your ability to influence their kids is right up there with Satan's, too.

  That is not going to change.

  EVER.

  Reinstatement may allow you to make new JW friends in your new city, but you will NEVER have your old relationships back. They are GONE. You think you were treated badly? JWs treat everyone badly, even each other. What they call "love" is merely positive action ONLY ON THE CONDITION that you are following the Watchtower rules in a way that they deem acceptable. Otherwise, you're shit. Pardon my Irish but those are the facts.

  I wish your husband was here. Is he willing to learn the REAL truth about the Borg? How do you feel about what you have learned so far? I see subtle changes in your posts - you're more willing to be critical of the organization and its members, for example - but it seems that overall you're still captive mentally and emotionally even while they've exiled and shunned you.

  As for the kids, get the Watchtower's child custody guide and a good lawyer and go to battle. They're your kids for crying out loud. What could be more important than getting them into a situation where they can learn the REAL truth and not remain programmed by a cult?
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  headisspinning

  To Broken Promises - I totally agree that what happened was very scandalous and I by no means am belittling the pain that we caused by our actions. Maybe I don't talk about the guilt that we feel enough on this board. We fully acknowledge our guilt and that's a big reason why both of us allowed our exes to have the upper hand but looking back it might have been the worst thing we could do.

  And just to clarify - my ex and I had been separated and living apart for two years before I got involved with my present husband. The kids had adjusted to us being apart and were comfortably living 50% of the time with both of us. I know that doesn't make the whole adultery thing less wrong from a congregation point of view and it definitely put his family through hell, but I just wanted to be clear about that.

  To Mamalove - I know the way we handled things was far less than ideal. It was very difficult to figure out what to do. The one thing we didn't want to do is sneak around and lie about what was going on and carry on an affair for months or years. Once my husband told his ex what had happened the situation was like a runaway train. I'm telling you from the moment she found out until she forced him to face the kids and tell them he had committed adultery was a matter of 10 minutes. Everything spiralled from there. Looking back I think there must have been a better way to approach the situation. In an ideal world, we would have done the "right" thing and never committed adultery to begin with. But like you said, we cannot change the past.

  And finally, to Mad Sweeney - We really could care less about getting any so-called JW friends back. It's only the kids and possibly my family at this point (although the latter is becoming less and less attractive as time passes).

  Oh and my husband is here! He is a lurker and I told him it's time to come out of the shadows! He is right with me on this journey of discovery. We are both very shaken by what we are learning. It's to the point that we can't even pray right now because we don't even know what to say. Shaking off the shackles that have controlled us for our entire lives is going to be a long process. I really have to pace myself because it is really quite painful. I already went to see my therapist and talked all of this through with him and I am going to be seeing a lot more of him over the next months. He is the one who helped me to overcome a lot of my black and white, judgmental thinking and see the shades of grey. That has been immensely helpful to me.

  In addition I have two 'worldly' friends who have known me for years. My one friend knows me from way back in my first marriage and she has seen the hell we went through being trapped in a loveless marriage. She actually did a lot of research on JWs and is just so relieved that I am finally seeing the truth. Then my other friend is someone who was in an 18 year relationship with an ex-JW who left the religion because he is gay. He has also been so supportive and fully understands what has happened and supports me fully. They have never wavered in their love.
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  jamiebowers

  Those hurt or rejected by the split and divorce often use their hurt and anger as a tool for POWER. That is not right either. Kids should not be used as weapons, which is happening here. The set of JW parents are hurting their children by encouraging the alienation of the other set is flat out abuse. Those kids will have an effect later in life, no doubt about it.

  Mamalove, I couldn't agree with you more! Headisspinning and husband, I hope you take heed to what she said. This situation is damaging both of your kids. I find it completely ridiculous that with all of the emotional problems you and your husband have, along with caring for a new baby, that your asshole ex keeps the kids from your 50% custody so he can avoid getting a job. And your current husband's ex-wife is a real piece of work having him confess adultery to their kids. In the long run, all she did was hurt the chldren. I wonder how she would feel if your husband told the kids why he couldn't bear to continue with their shrew of a mother.

  Look, I'm not a big fan of adultery, but what happens in other people's marriages is their business, not mine and not their children's. I just want you to clearly see that your guilt over being df'd is blinding you to the Watchtower induced damage being done to your kids by their jw custodial parents. In the real world, you both would've filed for divorce from your spouses, arranged custody agreements, and that would've been the end of it....no big confessions to the kids, elders or anyone ese. You are only subject to the laws ofy our country, not the Watchtower. The sooner you realize that, the better off you and your kids will be. If either one of your ex-spouses continue to emotionally abuse and harrass your kids, get the courts involved. The longer you remain a victim of this corrupt corporation, the longer your kids will too.
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  scary21

  Headisspining, it makes me crazyy when JW say things like "I must do things Jehovah's way "Did she talk to him lately?....Oh! thats right she talked to the WTBTS......they ARE Jehovah GB=God....Their rules are NOT in the bible....Mercy and love...no no no they dont see that part......The stoneing part.... yes yes YES they like that part! I'm so sorry for what your going through.....your human and make mistakes like everyone ....you own up to them also....good for you!! who ever is without sin....cast the first stone . MamaLove is right... good advice!!! Growing up a JW ...Guilt and fear is no way to grow up......been there done that!!! Keep reading and learning Sherry
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  satinka

  jiyuu2 wrote:
  M en will expel you from the synagogue. In fact, the hour is coming when everyone that kills you will imagine he has rendered a sacred service to God.  -  John 16:2
   It seems there will always be people who try to justify hateful things in the name of "sacred service", even to the point of 'killing' their natural family relationships.
  I have been thinking about this scripture lately. This is my sentiment exactly. Well said! Thanks, jiyuu2!
  satinka