Happy JW Marriages the Impossible Dream?

by IslandWoman 43 Replies latest social family

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  IslandWoman

  While it is not impossible to have a happy marriage in the JW religion for many it is hard, for some it is very hard to maintain happiness in their marriage

  The Watchtower raises the bar so very high in every aspect of life, marriage included. The Watchtower literature encourages a JW married couple to be practically perfect, or at least that is the goal set before them. The reality for most is that they will never be able to reach what is advertised to them as the expected norm, the standard set forth in the Watchtower literature. Many couples struggle with this dichotomy.

  The Watchtower says that hubbie or darling wife should be like this or that or be doing this or that. When one or both fail to meet the standard then disappointment sets in. They don't see that their religion is trying to force every married couple to fit into the same mold, a standard mold for the wife and one for the husband.

  My husband and I have just recently come to terms with this. We have seen that what the Watchtower taught us to expect from ourselves and from one another was not real, it was a fantasy. We are trying for the first time in our lives to really see each other and accept each other as just people, people free from the crushing mold of the Watchtower Society and also people who have worth just for who we are.

  Thirty years we have been married, yet we really know little about each other outside of the Watchtower mold we have been living in.

  IW
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  jaded

  IW, this post hit me like a ton of bricks! My husband and I have also been married for 30 yrs. Your post makes so much sense. Not only do we need to get to know each other, but we need to get to know ourselves as well. I am learning so much from these boards. Thank you and everyone else for such insightful thoughts!
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  IslandWoman

  Hi Jaded,

  Thanks for the reply. In retrospect I feel as if my husband and I were like marionette puppets. The Watchtower dictated every aspect of our married life, there was no area that they did not discuss and decide for us what was right or wrong. They pulled the strings and we obeyed.

  Now, I see his face and it is not the face of a Jehovah's Witness who is my husband; it is the face of a kind man who has stuck with his family through trials and tribulations and through the leaving of a way of life that was so central to our very being.

  As you said we must come to know not only each other but "ourselves as well."

  IW
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  hillary_step

  IW,

  A moving post - thank you.

  HS
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  JeffT

  We've been married 27 years. We never did totally get into the JW ideal marriage thing, so I think we may have had less to try to overcome.

  The last couple of years have been really great. As the kids have grown up and moved on or become more independent we have been able to focus on each other.
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  LDH

  IW--

  Please continue. I loved your post.

  That is the hard part about spending all of your waking hours devoted to the Borg, you really never get to spend time with each other.

  It's crazy, in their wedding talks they spout about "a three-fold cord is not easily torn in two." What they don't tell you is that the third cord is NOT God, but rather their man made organization.

  And what a great illustration for them to use, becacause the Borg is wound into every facet of your marriage, all the way down to dictating what type of sex is Godly.

  Lisa
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  IslandWoman

  Hi HS,

  Thank you for the kind words.

  Jeff,

  I'm glad you and your wife skipped over the trying to be perfect thing!

  Lisa,

  LOL, I remember that three-fold chord analogy, I think many of us just got all "tangled up" in it, because just as you said the Tower was the third chord, a chord that knew very little about married life in the real world!

  IW
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  casey777

  I am acually amazed that you guys have stayed and still have marriages that have lasted so long. You must have learned something from the Witnesses and you don't even know it. If you where one of those who have stuggled with divorce as a child and not having any direction or guidance on how to keep a marriage alive and well you would appreciate what you have. Haveing some direction is a blessing in my book thank you Jehovah and the Organization that you are trying to keep together I don't expect Saints, but I do apprecitate your helping us and trying to steer us all in the right direction. I hope I have not offended anyone, I am just amazed, 30 years Wow, that is great.
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  Xander

  I am acually amazed that you guys have stayed and still have marriages that have lasted so long. You must have learned something from the Witnesses and you don't even know it.

  Damn straight, cause marriages never lasted more than a decade before god's one true earthly organization was founded by Russell back in the 19th century.

  not having any direction or guidance on how to keep a marriage alive and well you would appreciate what you have

  That's the funniest thing I've read all day - thanks. Of COURSE humans are dumb as bricks and have no idea how to interact with fellow beings until the JWs came along, how silly of me.

  thank you Jehovah and the Organization that you are trying to keep together

  Ever seen/read 'The Stepford Wives'? Staying together != 'successful marriage'.

  In fact, leaving the org has saved my marriage, thank you very much. Not having to constantly worry about the stress of living up to imaginary standards is quite a relief.

  Xander F
  (Unseen Apostate Directorate of North America - Ohio order)

  A fanatic is one who, upon losing sight of his goals, redoubles his efforts.
  --George Santayana
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  Gopher

  I totally agree with your post, IW. The standards ARE set very high, and real forgiveness is not emphasized. So weaknesses are made to glare out at each other -- and disenchantment sets in. This is not just theory. It helped spell the doom of my marriage. The words that kept getting quoted to me out of the Family Life book still sting, "This book says the husband must earn respect. Until you earn it, I won't give you any!" Wow! Was that a loving, supporting, Christian wife, or one who expected perfection?

  Thanks WTS for helping set up a harsh environment, one where people only seem to have a happy family life if they "pretend" to do so.

  -J.R.

  Don't let yesterday use up too much of today.--Will Rogers, 1879-1935