For those that are and have been married,did the JW lifestyle aggravate "typical" marital and family problems?

by miseryloveselders 43 Replies latest jw friends

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  WontLeave

  It's my opinion that anyone, regardless of denomination, who allows outside human "interpretation" or blatant man-made rules to run their lives gets what they deserve. Not to remove all blame from people who run cults, governments, or churches, but it is our own brains we need to protect from being washed. Most people are so lazy and/or apathetic they'll give control of their very minds over to someone else. Human nature being what it is, if you offer your mind to someone else - especially someone who craves that very power - they'll take it.

  The vast majority of people in churches - JWs included - claim to base their lives on the Bible, yet have never read it. Many of the ones who do read it don't care enough to pay attention and don't comprehend and/or immediately forget what they read. Repeatedly, the Bible warns against granting other people power over your faith, because they are imperfect - both in ability and in motive. (2 Thes 4:3-4, 1John 4:1, Acts 17:11, Pro 14:15, Eph 4:14-15, Gal 2:4-5, Col 3:23-24, 1Sam 12:20-21, 2Pet 2:18-21, 1Tim 4:1-5, Psa 146:3, 118:8, Jer 15:5, Luke 11:35) If people ignore all of those warnings - and many others, both direct and indirect - in favor of some convoluted, pathetic explanations of what "faithful and discreet slave" and "Be obedient to those who are taking the lead among you and be submissive" mean, then it's difficult to have too much sympathy.

  This isn't 1100 AD, people. You can get a Bible for free, at a dollar store, read it online in many versions. The rich man and Lazarus was all about access to the Scriptures. For hundreds of years, people were willing to die to see what the Bible really said, so they wouldn't have to take their clergy's word for it. Now, people have one sitting on the coffee table they completely take for granted. Meanwhile, they claim to live by it. Then, they blame a denomination for the duality of their mind where they will entertain conflicting thoughts and brainwash themselves to hold both as truth.

  People blame the Catholic Church for Inquisitions, Puritans for witch hunts, Nazis for the Holocaust, cults for mass suicides, governments for wars and war crimes, etc. Why are all the people who actually perpetrate the deeds absolved of responsibility? We invite mind control by not taking control of our own minds. JWs are just another group of people acting as a group. Mob mentality is a very powerful thing, but every mob is made up of individuals who have relinquished their minds to the mob and each is personally responsible - in courts and to God.
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  Magwitch

  This whole thread makes me very sad. So many marriages hurt by the organization. Even if my ex and I were the most perfectly matched couple in the world, the marriage would not have been able to survive under the circumstances. He was never, ever home because of the endless parading to meetings, committees, shepherding etc. On the rare times he was home, he was either on the phone or working on a talk.

  One memory that comes to mind is the time I planned a party for my youngest daughter. We were celebrating her 1 year anniversary of playing the violin (she was 3 1/2 and my other daughter was 5). We bought the girls a few presents each. I made a fancy cake. Set up a different games for the 4 of us to play in each room of the house (small house). I made the girls all their favorite foods and for the real kicker, I bought root beer (I allowed very little sugar through the years, so root beer was a real treat.) I decorated our dining room with balloons and streamers and all the frill of a young girl's party. My husband was excited about the party too. We just sat down in the dining room to start feasting (Dave set all the presents on the table) and the doorbell rings. It is a brother that wanted to talk. Would you not think he would have enough consideration to come back? Oh No, they go into the office and close the door. The girls and I patiently wait, but finally decide to eat, open the presents and play the games I had set up. When the brother had left, I asked Dave if it was really necessary to miss our party we had been planning for weeks. He said that the brother did not need anything, he just felt like visiting.

  Things like this are painful to endure when they become a way of life. I still cannot understand how so many people did not realize that the girls and I needed him in our life. I wanted us to be a family so badly, but I was robbed of a husband and my two beautiful daughters grew up literally without a father.
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  LittleMac

  This topic is one that I can speak to because it had affected my family life for several years. Definitely- Yes! What a very interesting question for a thread topic. There is no doubt in my mind that the schedule and the mindset of usually the husband places unneccessary weight on a himself and then becomes hell for his wife and kids. An elder was in service with us last spring and we were sitting in the car, talking, and he was relating how his brother was going through a divorce where the wife 'flaked out' of the truth and left the brother and he went on to say how it seemed like the typical Witness with marital problems, these days, end with the wife leaving entirely. Then he said that he had always had the notion that the man was the one having an affair in most cases and I agreed, but I can count off the top of my head about twenty friends/acquaintances in my age group over the past fifteen years, from different congregations I've gone to, where the sister was the one who just wanted out and left the husband.

  Another observation I've had, and probably isn't news to many, but many families that lived according to the watchtower very dutifully, almost like a prescription for family happiness, in almost every case ended up with the father, in his fifties or sixties, still clinging to that image he believed in for years, but with no children left going to the hall anymore. It's apparent throught the stories that people tell about how hard he was on his kids while at the meetings or whatever and that makes me feel very sad for those situations.

  In my personal life, I know that in recent years, I was trying to 'reach out' and was really worried about how I could appear responsible yet sensible and relaxed, too. It was all so difficult to bear when our children came along and I just ASSUMED that they would grow to like the meetings because, hey...they were mine! Well, I have learned a hell of a lot in the last year, and thankfully we all have been able to decompress for the last couple of months. Some of the ugliest blowups were before, during, or right after meetings or service. (The honest truth) My concern over their behavior became too much to bear until finally I just had no choice but to concede the fact that we were not going to look perfect. Kids are going to be kids. This had always been my wife's belief, which was absolutely right. I had a much more difficult time with that. Well, now we both are home with the kids on the weekends and we both are so glad not to have tension due to the 'theocratic routine'. Several times each week, as a joke mostly, I would ask if I was the worst dad ever. Come to think of it, I haven't asked that in a while.
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  life is to short

  Wontleave

  I really enjoyed your take, you are right in that I gave my life to the Watchtower. There were times now looking back that I could have done something but I was to afraid, it was the only life I knew and I was scared to leave. I was wrong, just like the people who stand by and watch evil. I am finally taking a stand now.

  Migwitch

  That story just broke my heart but I can so relate but thank God I did not have children. There were so many nights that I had things all set to be with my husband and right at the last minute someone would call or come over and I was pushed a side. Its bad enough for us as adults but your little girls, it just breaks my heart.
  I can still feel the pain of being dumped time after time it never goes away.

  I am so sorry you had to go through that with your children.

  LITS