I don't believe my boyfriend is 100% committed to this religion. How to handle?

by herlovelyworld 62 Replies latest social relationships

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  herlovelyworld

  Hi Phoebed! I would love to view your blog!

  Also, I knew about the "headship" thing, but not to that extent. Are you saying that even though a husband beats on his wife constantly, unless there's any affair... he can't be divorced? Is there no amount of lawyers and court cases that could get someone out of that situation?

  Could the same be said for the woman? As in, is it ever a possibility that a strong-willed non-witness woman refuses to take her husbands crap and stands up for herself, all the while knowing he has to deal with it because there's no adultry being committed?

  I knew society in this cult has taken huge leaps backwards, but is there ever a concept of "partnership" among mates?
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  phoebed

  Hi,

  Actually they are not suppose to beat their wives. I am not saying that this is legal in the faith of JW's. My sister was beaten about 3 times by her elder husband. She called elder meetings about this and he was warned. He stopped beating her for a while, but he does it again.

  Although they knew it - he is still an elder. There is a shortage of elders in the congregation they are in. it is one of the "russian" congregations here in US. My sister is such a devout witness herself that many times she is just quiet about it. She just wants no trouble, she wants him to stay in the "elder" position so she just takes the abuse.

  This is typical of witness women. Another friend of mine is living in "hell" with her witness husband who is an elder. He wont allow her to wear jeans, or pants. She cant wear any make up. Again - this is not typical of witnesses, but here is one example how far the "headship" doctrine can go. Every man interprets it differrently.

  There are some that understand it only in a "spiritual" way. Like women can not pray aloud, or they cant lead the bible meeting etc... But some men just do whatever they want to with this doctrine.

  The main point is that "headship" and "submission" doctrine is not a healthy doctrine at all and there is danger for women who's husbands "exercise" their "authority" in the family. Witness males are encouraged to exercise headship in their households. Them being imperfect man - there is no telling how far they can go. Many sisters suffer a lot. Believe me. I am still "officially" a witness myself. I have a family in this religion and I know soon I will lose them all.

  I will keep posting on my blog all issues about women in watchtower. I jut started the blog a few days ago. You will find there specific issues and biblical explanations soon. For example, when Paul was writing about man being a "head" of the woman in Ephesians, he used the Greek word "kephale". The greek word "kephale" has no meaning of authority whatsever! "Kephale" carries the meaning of "foundation" or "cornestone" , not "authority". So Paul was simply saying that man is "foundation" of a woman like Christ is foundation of his church. He was trying to say that woman originated from man- she was taken out of man, not that he is her "authority"! In fact authority has nothing to do with Ephesians chapter 5 at all. It is a message of unity and love, not authority. Therefore the "headship" doctrine as JW's teach it has no foundation in the bible at all. All Christians are to submit to one another. It is not only one way- woman to a man. It is both ways.

  I will have this all posted there in a few days so you can read it. Again it is http://freetoservechrist.blogspot.com
• 

  loosie

  You can get divorced but not remarried. You wouldn't be free to remarry simply because hubby beats you.

  As soon as you marry him his family would put pressure on him to get you to the meetings. If you had children the would pressure them to go to the meetings as well.

  Have you tried asking him to attend your church?

  And please, this is the same advice I'd give daughter.... take that cat for a test drive before you marry him, don't just sit in the seat and honk that horn. Jw's are known for being sexually stunted. It's not fun when you are married to it.

  And remember if things don't work out. There are others out there. You seem like a smart girl, don't give up your future for his cult.

  ((hugs))

  Loosie
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  Nickolas

  I've made only a handful of posts to this board since joining a week or so ago so will not preface this response with background information, however relevant it is. You may click on my name to review my introductory thread if you wish. Regardless, it will take a great deal of courage for your young man to break away because in so doing he will sever what have been the only solid ties in his life. I am certain, from your candid description of your relationship, that he is already having tortured conversations with himself when he turns out the light at night. My advice, as one who has endured the WTBTS as the third person in a very long relationship with the only woman I have ever loved, is to give your young man the opportunity to choose what he wants to do, but only if you are serious about devoting your life to him. If he actually decides to take a stand and break away, you two have a fighting chance. If he is not prepared to do that for you, or if you are unsure of your commitment, do the right thing for both of you and walk away.
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  Ding

  Don't discount the constant pressure you'll be under to become a JW.

  You may think, "No way!"

  That's what a lot of folks on this forum thought too.
• 

  herlovelyworld

  I would love to view your introductory posts Nickolas, but I'm having trouble finding it. I clicked on your name and all I get is a page with Join date, Location, Post count etc. There's no external links to follow... on anyone's page for that matter.
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  Doubtfully Yours

  A definite no-brainer. If he's a real JW, he'd never show any interest in a non-JW. So, that act alone goes to show his commitment to the religion is.....ZERO!

  The behavior applies to other faiths and lifestyles as well.

  DY
• 

  1Robinella

  Yes this young guy sounds deeply confused. Both of you are young and have a lot of life to live. Unfortunately, this religion tends to "keep people down" and "small minded" I have known a lot of stories like this (not me personally). Over the years, I've probably known around ten or so similar cases (give or take). Some were high school guys I've known that had a "worldly" girlfriend (I've always hated that term "worldly"). A couple of the guys got the girl pregnant and that's how they get there "secret" exposed, so to speak. This is a tricky thing too. Although your boyfriend probably really does care a lot for you and wants to marry you, I'm sure he really means that because witnesses young adults tend to take dating seriously which leads to marriage. But I am hoping that you have already met his family...? I assume you haven't. If it was me, I would show him this website because it will let him know that he is not alone and that a lot of people left the religion successfully. Of course, he has to realize that he will get a lot of pressure from his parents and the organization, but it does fade over time. This young guy does not sound strong. He's definately playing both sides. The best thing for him to do is to move out and rent what he can afford (even if it's renting a bedroom from someone - outside the cult).

  To me, and this is what I did. I changed my phone number and moved. He doesn't have to go talk to the elders about what he did. I would walk away quietly as possible. (Although every so often my mother sends the elders to my home - I just don't talk to them, I look out the window. lol.) If he DOES speak to them about EVERYTHING...he's only causing more problems and a possible disfellowshiping. Which means, he's shuned and his own parents/family won't even talk to him. Over time, he will see he made the right decision and laugh about how "controlled" he was. It's kind of sad that he put you in this situation, if he's a man, he will own up to it and do a little self discovery. Whatever his decision will be, it would be his decision (not something that you pressured him to do). I can't believe that he "feels" that he owes people anything! Yes, it was nice that people in the organization supported the family when his brother passed away but he doesn't owe anything to them. That right there, tells me it's time for him to move on and get a quick construction job and move out. I really feel bad for him and you and hope that everything will work out well for both of you.

  For me, I love celebrating the holidays. It's so much fun..especially halloween. I'm 38 years old and I get dressed up every year. lol. I never had any holidays growing up. Hang in there.
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  Ding

  You might want to rethink that "power of attorney" idea.

  Having a power of attorney wouldn't guarantee that doctors would automatically follow your instructions over those of the other parent.

  What if you got divorced and he got custody?

  What if you were incapacitated or died while the children were young?

  The fact that you're even having to think about such issues should tell you how fragile such a marriage would be.
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  herlovelyworld

  Well I mentioned power of attorney because someone in my family recently requested it for her children. Her husband isn't a witness, but he is emotionally unstable and she doesn't believe he can make rational decisions on the spot. I feel the same way about this guy, and it might be because he's young right now... he'll hopefully outgrow that, but I do like the idea of being careful. My own mom had power of attorney over me until I hit 21 and she took steps that would handle that should she pass away. So it's kind of a thing that runs in my family to prevent anything negative from happening with people that don't have best interest's at heart. And there is no way one of Jehovah's witnesses has the absolute best interests. If he's not as serious about it however, I don't think it'll be an issue. I plan on discussing it with him into the ground when I'm ready to make contact with him again, but I don't get the vibe that he would do that. He volunteer's for a daycare and takes care of special kids. While that doesn't exactly scream he would do the right thing in THIS case, it's hard to wrap my head around him not doing everything he can to save his own child.