Hi everyone. Sorry if this starts off as a kind of a downer.
I am 29, and my husband and I have stopped going to meetings since last October. We live in Mexico and used to attend the english. Long story short, after realizing how many much we've been lied to we stopped going to our meetings, moved out of the territory, switched to spanish, and after a month of attending just vanished. We moved to another state and now no one has a clue where we are and its pretty impossilbe to find us, so leaving went really smooth (easy to do in Mexico, espeically with the language switch me made..) and we've lived since November without a single interferance and in peace. My husband has had absolutly no problem moving on, he's been somewhat honest with his witness family and they take it ok. He also has kept in tact his strong sense of spirituality and thrives on reading the bible and discovering "new truths". I on the other hand have not had it so easy. I cannot get over the hurt, I obsess (even to the point of having reaccuring nightmares) about how my family will treat me if they find out. I have a HUGE family (immediate, cousins, aunts grandparents, ect..) that are all witnesses and I know will disown me the instant they find anything out. They are all either fanatical or sincerly loyal to the org. I am so miserable I have even lost the ability to pray, I've lost my faith, have no desire for "everlasting life", and can't talk to my husband about it since he doesn't understand and would be disappointed in me. What makes this even more excruciating (sorry if I can't spell..) for me is since we found the "truth" we immediatly wanted to have a baby. (That was one of our "sacrifices" we were going to make for the org..) and so now I'm 6 moths pregnant and my emotions are 1000 times worse about the whole matter. I feel like this baby is my only reason for living and I feel so guilty I can't be in a more normal mindset as I bring this child into the world. I have a lifelong history of major depression and it seems like its starting to come back and I'm freaked. I get all these emials from my family asking about my congregation, which sisters are going to help me out when I have this baby, ect.. and I just can't respond because I don't want to lie or tell the truth! I'm constantly in mental agony about not being a witness anymore I honestly can't say I'm happier since I left. I was miserable then, and now I feel like I'm in a different kind of prison. Plus living in a foreign country makes me more lonley than I can say, and I can't figure out how to make "real" friends, since I've never done it. I feel like this is more a vent than anything, but I don't know what to say or do. Its still all so new to me and I feel like saying screw everyone. I hate it. I'm so depressed. I'm sorry this is so negative but I needed to reach out to someone somehow. Please let me know your thoughts about my situations if you can sort of relate. I want to find my way to be happy but I'm terrified and lost.
Thank you for your hearing ear.