Hi all! :)
I just came across this site not too long ago and have been reading the stories. I am filled with relief and at the same time frustration mixed with tears, because I have been holding my story in and not sharing it with anyone, except my husband. I have felt many of the feelings expressed here but was afraid to say them out loud for fear of being an 'apostate'. I would not want to make the Society or anyone with good intentions look wrong, but this is my story:
I was born in 1973 in Alaska. My mother had become a Witness 2 years earlier. Thus, my older siblings had experienced holidays but by the time I came around that was thing of the past. My dad was an easy going guy.. liked to party and loved his kids. My mother was an overbearing, strict woman who met the JW's when they knocked on her door. She was intrigued, and started studying. The Witnesses told my mom that my dad had to study too, since he was always out working on the truck during their studies. Being the good-natured fella he was, he obliged and when my mom got baptized, the next year, he did too. I think he had a love for God and doing things right, but it was clear my mother liked the strict lifestyle and rigidness.
We never missed meetings or service.. even though my dad, who stuttered, never went in field service. Come to think of it, my father never had any 'special' honors in the congregation such as working behind the counter or handling microphones. Since he was a stutterer and extremely shy, he didn't give talks or preach so I guess they gave up on him. I don't recall anyone encouraging him.. he was just kind of ignored as Kathy's 'nice' husband. As I stated, we didnt celebrate ANYTHING.. like all Witnesses dont..and for the life of me I couldnt understand what was so darn evil about giving a card on Mothers day or Fathers day but my mom spewed out the same rhetoric: we dont want to have any part of the world or its celebrations.....etc....
I remember one day when I was about 7 or 8 driving home late one night from the meeting and said, "mom, what if we THINK we know the truth, but we dont really have it?" She got very tense and said harshly,"well I guess you would have little faith in Jehovah, wouldnt you?" She said it so coldly and mean, that I immediately got the sense that I was to NEVER, EVER question anything I was taught. Aren't good Christians supposed to question things? Anyway..
My father was a social drinker before he became a Witness, as was my mom. But after getting baptized, they told him he should stop drinking and he had to lose his 'worldy' friends. When he drank at home, my mother would furiously scream about how 'demonic' he was and an alcoholic. He very quickly stopped drinking in front of us and began hiding it. My very unloving and cold mother would not touch us at home, (at least affectionately), but at the meetings would hold our hands, wide smile on.. kids and husband in tow, in that order. People would remark at what a beautiful family we were, all the while I was thinking of how my mom would scream for us f****rs to get our s*** together for the meeting at home. But at the Hall, it was all smiles. I soon came to understand how the 'act' should play out. At home, if my mother had a faintest smell of alcohol, she would scream, break things, cause havoc, meanwhile telling us kids to call an elder because our 'demonic' dad was drinking again. They would come over, talk to my dad, while my mom was screaming and crying alligator tears, telling us to pray for help and how Satan was controlling our father. Their sessions with him would last a few hours, then they would go home, only to have it happen all over again next weekend.
My poor Christian mother, had the duty of telling everyone in the congregation her suffering, so no one talked to my dad and pretty much ignored him as if he was disfellowshipped. Soon the elders, at the nagging of my mother, told my dad he would be disfellowshipped if he didn't stop drinking. Now I admit, he was a hard drinker by now, but I could hardly blame him! He was promptly disfellowshipped without any offering to go to AA with him or find him a counselor. I guess that's true friendship. He never talked bad about the Witnesses though.. it was as if he agreed with their decision that he was crap, just like my mom had said for years. We kept going to meetings with Mom though. (She even cheated on him once and wasn't disfellowshipped though. I guess they bought her repentant act.)
Like every other Witness kid, I couldnt go to Star Wars or Star Trek movies. I didnt see E.T. or anything remotely 'spiritual' or 'alien'. I remember even being told Smurfs was evil! Every time something went wrong in our house, my mom was sure it was demons and we had to go through the house burning anything we bought from a garage sale.
Eventually she divorced my dad and took us to another state. Thats when all hell really broke loose. Now that the only stability was taken out of our lives, our father, she had all authority. I was about 13 when we moved. Mixed with missing my loving father, I was becoming mouthy and independent like all young teenagers and paid for it heavily. If I whined about meetings or service, or anything in general, I was beat severely. I remember calling my dad once long distance, just to hear his voice on the answering machine, and she saw on the phone bill .97 for a 2-minute call. She BEAT me so bad, tearing my hair, choking me on the stairs.. saying if I was a demonic whore like my dad I could live with him. Many times after so many of my beatings she would force me in her room and make me read chapters of the Youth Book. I never told anyone at the Hall though... I just fell into the 'act' whenever I went to meetings.
Some sisters could see my face swollen and puffy at meetings from crying for days, and out of the kindness of their hearts, came to our house. They told my mother that they could see I was extremely said and upset, and what was going on, could they help us? My mother didnt answer but gave me a cold stare and said I was rebellious and needed a father. I just broke down crying and couldn't stop. I desperately wanted someone to love me and be a REAL mother to me.. but couldn't put it in words. After sharing a few scriptures, they left. I wonder now how many people knew of the abuse. The elders never talked to me... only came to the house after my mother called them in her attempt to scare me into doing her will. As I got older, I got sick of her 'poor me' stories.. 'I was an alcoholic's wife, blah, blah,'.. and started telling the elders what she did at home. How she called me 'whore' and 'tramp' all the time instead of my real name.. how she would punch me in the stomach, pick me up from the floor using my earrings and ripped my earlobe almost right through.. how if I tried to hug my brother she would say I was perverted and trying to get a 'screw'. They just read scriptures and said we needed to work on communication. I vividly remember one elder looking me square in the eye and said I was lying. He said he KNEW my mother didn't do those things and that I was making them up so they would disfellowship her. I couldn't believe it.
In my sophomore year, I excelled at writing and knew I wanted to become a writer. My Journalism teacher told me he was almost positive I could get a scholarship to go to a New York Writing school. I was so excited. Any thoughts of a future quickly left me though, when I shared with Mom what my teacher told me. She quickly told me that as a Witness I wasn't going to any colleges and forget that 'crap'. Seeing there would never be any reason for education, I started cutting class. I rarely went to class and fell behind in all my studies. After a few months I gave up on school altogether and dropped out. Boys began noticing me, and one of the more popular boys in high school asked me out a few times. Knowing I could never date anyone, let alone a WORLDLY boy, I began sneaking out. I would say I was going out in service (one of the only things I was allowed to do alone) and run across the street to the mall and see a movie with him.
Once, while my mom and sister were seeing a movie, he stopped by my house. We were innocently watching tv when we heard footsteps. I knew I would be KILLED if a boy was caught in my house, so I hid him in my closet. After a few hours she heard him moving around and had a near heartattack... screaming, throwing things... the poor guy left terrified and my mother called the elders over in the middle of the night. Never bothering to hear my story, she told the elders how she was out seeing a movie while I was home 'turning tricks' with a worldly guy. They read scriptures and told me the dangers of premarital sex, etc. What they didn't know was that I wasn't even having sex.. but they didn't even ask. It was assumed.
By now I was a well-developed young woman and cute (if you ask me). The elders told me that if I 'hid' my figure with loose clothes and didn't wear makeup or spend alot of time on my hair, it wouldn't draw so much attention. My mother would beg the elders to tell me what a tramp I looked like ( I wore very modest clothes) and they would usually respond by telling me to dress like a 'mature Christian'..such as wear long sleeve dresses that were ankle length. Again, she felt the need to regale stories of her suffering to everyone in the congregation, and I was quickly known as 'trouble'. They announced that I was no longer an 'approved publisher' of the congregation. Since I was never baptized, they couldn't reprove me, yet they had no proof I did anything wrong.
After that, I started skipping meetings. The abuse at home got worse and worse. When one well-meaning sister who knew what I went through inquired if she could 'adopt' me into her home, basically have me live with her and her family, the elders said no, that she couldn't get involved because it could cause bad blood between my mother and her. They said any problems would have to be dealt with by my mother and me, and us only. Also she had a disfellowshipped husband and they thought that would be horrible for me to be around.
Eventually when I was around 19 we moved to a nearby city. A new start! So I thought. No one in the congregation really welcomed me with open arms. Since I had an older brother that was spiritually weak, I was put into that same mold. Also, my mother blabbed about how we came from an 'alcoholic home' and were poor, so of course, we never penetrated the 'cliques' of wealthy stature in the congregation. After studying with many sisters but never being baptized, I became labeled as someone who would never become a Witness and all hope was given up. One sister I studied with told me if I was a strong Pioneer and tried hard, I could marry a strong brother and go to Bethel! Why did I have to be married? I wondered.. but I was told how women are supposed to be in reference to men, etc.
I actually did like a brother and he liked me.. but after he was warned about my 'situation' and how I wasn't baptized, he gave up hopes of a future with me and went to Bethel. I hear he is now married to a regular Pioneer in New York. I'm sure she is a very 'nice' girl and they have a 'nice' closet they live in and have a 'nice' time going in service every day. How nice.
I eventually met a worldly guy who didnt care about how many hours I went in field service or how many questions I answered at Sunday meeting. We had great times together and began dating. It's funny.. I went from going to all the meetings to just totally dropping off the face of the earth, and not one person called to check on me. Not one person. After 2 months of me not going to meetings and a few calls from a concerned brother who saw me entering a club, 2 elders came to my house. They read scriptures and warned the dangers of worldly men, etc. I told them it was weird how my 'brothers and sisters' never called me to see if I was okay.. what if I was in the hospital or something? They looked uncomfortable and said how busy they all are and we cant test our brothers and sisters looking for a reason to be stumbled. Hmm.
I became pregnant with my beautiful son. I had been living with my mother, but she promptly gave me an eviction notice on my door. Her reasons? Jehovah supported her decision! I was a tramp, screwing a worldly man with no love for God. She told me to go to a shelter. So my 'weak' brother took me in until I had my baby.
In the months after having my son, and fixing up my new apartment, there was a knock at the door. It was two sisters whom I have never met before. I stupidly blurted out that I was raised a JW and they 'stalked' my apartment for months. Almost every weekend there would be a knock at my door.. if I didnt answer they would tap on the windows or call endlessly. Finally, I gave in and studied. The study's would go for hours on end and always end up with the fact that I would have to dump my boyfriend, the father of my baby. I actually did for awhile, but after being introduced as a 'study' at the hall, being told that I should answer more and give talks (after being up all night with a newborn!) and how I would be a better Christian in good time.... I just got sick of it and moved my boyfriend back in. I lived with the guilt of not making the meetings but immediately a ton of bricks came off my shoulders.
Through the next 5 years I had sisters come to my house in service and try to get me to come to meetings. I would, but eventually the topic always came up on how I had to dump my worldly partner. I guess they didn't care if my son had a dad or not.
I never left him. We got married with my son as ring bearer. I guess it took me so long to marry him out of guilt that I really should have married a Brother.
I just celebrated my first Christmas this year. I decided I didn't want my son to sit in the hall while everyone else had fun, like I did when I was in school. I am happier than I have ever been. I have a beautiful son that is a gift from God, a husband who unconditionally loves me and have finally gained some self-esteem.
Oh yeah, my mother? She got disfellowshipped 6 months ago. After 30 years of being a 'perfect' Christian, she met a worldly married man and has been carrying on an affair. She now laments on how stupid the Witnesses are and how strict they are. Hmm... guess they weren't strict when she was kicking me out?
I know this story is dreadfully long, and I've still kept parts out. I hoped I haven't bored anyone to tears, but maybe someone else has a story similar to mine and can relate. I just want people to know, it DOES get better. Again, I don't wish to slander or put down the Organization, elders or Witnesses. This is just my story.
Thanks for letting me chew your ear off!
Take care,
Tera
P.S.- I'm now 28 and trying to get funding to go to college. I hope to pursue my degree. It's a long battle, but I'll get there!