Confessing

by STRUGGLE 116 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  waiting

  Hey Struggle,

  True story time. My daughter was involved with a man - got df'd. At her meetings which she asked for, she was very upfront. However, she's also an incest and rape survivor. She, at the time, had extreme difficulty showing the proper emotions. In other words - she looked/talked detached from her surroundings - no emotions. She just clicked off. She hadn't been through therapy, thus she didn't even know what was happening, just thought she was odd. (We did too, btw.)

  But she was forthright and she was df'd. She is presently engaged to a fine man, has her own apartment, car, cat, & good profession. And a smart beauty, I might add.

  A friend of hers called last year. This friend had been df'd, now reinstated - and was divorcing her husband with no scriptural grounds. They divorced, and the husband followed her around for two years trying to prove the dirty deed. She kept professing her stedfastness, etc. Finally, he got her an appointment before the elders, evidence in hand. The day before the meeting, she called my daughter about having lunch soon - since it would be ok to be seen with my daughter now that she was going to be df'd also. Admitted that she had been playing games with her ex. - she'd been sleeping around the entire two years with several different men.

  She went to the committee meetings, cried, sobbed, held her hankie, her long blond hair flowing - and was publicly reproved. My daughter called me later to ask if anybody had recently been df'd. I said no - Sister Blondie got reproved. Then my daughter told me the story - she was so angry. (By then she'd been through therapy and had no problem expressing anger.)

  After reflection, my daughter told me even though she was the one shunned - she had told the truth, and she and the elders knew it. I congratulated her on her inner self, and told her she had reason to hold her head proud.

  Sister Blondie? I told the entire episode to an elder in the congregation she attended - just in case they wanted to know they'd been suckered. Well, she's now remarried out of the organization - but still a sister in good standing.

  Between the two young women - I would chose for a friend my daughter any day.

  waiting
• 

  STRUGGLE

  To Larc, Claudia, Thinker's Wife? and, Waiting

  It is so hard. You know what to do, but are afraid to do it because of the outcome. NO I don't want to be outside Jehoavah's organization for any reason. But I guess in essence I made that choice when I started seeing the wordly guy. It only happen once. It has been some years since I've messed up, but this is not my first time before the jdc.

  But you feel so guilty afterwards, at least I did.

  If you had it to do over again, was it worth it?
• 

  larc

  Well. we can't do anything over. The past is frozen. I still think you should keep it between you and Jehovah. As they say "anything you say can and will be used against you" in the kangaroo court.
• 

  STRUGGLE

  To Thinker's Wife

  You stated it would have been better to go through the break (at their discretion) then to go through the heartache later.

  Exactly what do you mean? Just got off of work, really tired.

  I like this guy, he likes me, does not want to study, has studied in the past. Now I know I need to rid myself of him, before the heart becomes more involved. He is really nice.
• 

  STRUGGLE

  Larc, I've thought about keeping it between me and Jehovah. My conscince will not allow me to do that to a certain degree. You see I have lied to the elders, came back and told them that I had lied. Also told them everything that I had done years ago. I really came clean with them.

  I was put on reproof. Still I don't want to be in the darkness so to speak. People looking at you, wondering what you did. I've had my chances, my next step is to be kicked out. I still love Jehovah with all my heart. I remember that Jehovah is perfect, man is not.
• 

  RedhorseWoman

  STRUGGLE, yes, it is true that Jehovah is perfect. It is also true that He loves His children and understands their weaknesses.

  I found through my own experiences with the Committee that they cannot help you. They are simply not qualified to do so. I also found out that many elders are not very good at keeping confidential matters confidential.

  Confessing every mistake I ever made to the elders did nothing to help me improve my situation. Talking to friends and going to therapy were the things that helped.

  Looking back at my experiences, I have come to the conclusion that the judicial committee is in place, not so much to keep the congregation clean (since those who are properly connected, in my experience, can do pretty much what they want without repercussions), but rather to exercise control over the congregation members.

  You need to decide for yourself what you want to do with your life. The elders cannot do that for you.
• 

  brothers helper

  Where are you people? The Elders are accountable to Jehovah God if they
  dont treat his people with love and compasion.If you every truly become one of Jehovahs people you will know that love and it is not burdensome.God is love and all matters are handled with love.Jesus is over the congregations you people are complaining about .He will handle his matters if his flock is not being handled properly.
  But I feel that you ladies miss the point here.you are not serving the brothers here.You are suppose to be in the truth to serve the almighty God.Christ Jesus father Jehovah.
• 

  larc

  Brothers Helper,

  I like your handle and your sincerity, and we all wish it was the way it should be, but it ain't necessarily so, unfortunately. I would suggest you read the experiences of others under the subject of "Judicial Committe Meetings" I think it will be a real eye opener for you.
• 

  OrangeVale Bob

  Thanks Larc for your diplomatic reply,
  I was pondering how to respond to bh and trying to convey to him the importance of the DEPTH of feelings expressed here. More importantly, how to intregate that and become sympathetic enough to be able to respond meaningfully.
  I failed, you made a valid attempt.
  TKS
• 

  Xandit

  brothers helper,

  The simple truth is that things just don't always work the way they are supposed to. On District Overseer told the collective body of elders in my circuit that probably less than 30% of the elders were qualified to handle judicial matters. Unfortunately, congregations do not handle assignments to committees on that basis. One other circuit overseer, vastly experienced, said that 95% of appeals are the result of the subject being badly treated, and that's my own experience as well. It is appropriate to approach these meeting with a certain amount of trepidation.

  I will say that there has been considerable instruction to the elders that they shouldn't not delve into the 'details' of sexual matters more than absolutely necessary. The thing that causes the most problem is dealing with a married individual and trying to determine if there are scriptural grounds for breaking the marriage bond. Having said that, it seems that some brothers have a prurient streak and just won't shut up. They shouldn't be serving on committees.

  If you want to be critical of someone, be critical of those that cause the fear and uncertainty that leads to the kind of discussions we're having here.