To all "born-in" DF'd/DA'd posters.....

DublDipd

Do you feel that we will ever be free from the mental damage imposed by our parents? I have been DF'd for over 17 years. Basically, my entire family still remain active JW's. They have cut me off from them for most of my adult life. Can someone overcome this rejection? How are you dealing with it?

Do you think that you have missed what a normal family life is supposed to consist of? Do you think that this can ever be overcome? If you have been DF'd/DA'd for any period or time do you harbor hate/resentment still? I am afraid that I will never be able to forgive them for raising me as a JW...then rejecting me because I could not continue with their teachings. I don't feel that there ever was a "choice" for me to make. It was made for me before I was born.

I try to tell myself that, being a mature adult now, "get over it" but it is difficult somewhere deep inside to let go of the resentment that is still there. Trying to juggle love and hate simultaneously is difficult if not impossible. I would appreciate any thoughts on this from fellow "rejects".

WTWizard

Even though I was not born in the washtowel, I had parents that were quite mean spirited. No, it is not truly possible to make up for the damage they did to you. You lose many an opportunity. You are given advice that is designed to sabotage your chances of success, and that costs you time that cannot be regained. It also pushes things out of reach (like finding a mate, often in time to bear children; getting a decent job; saving for retirement, etc.). It can't be any better for those born as witlesses, except if the parents were not diligent in obeying the Filthful and Disgraceful Slavebugger.

Sparkplug

I am learning to get over it.

Hello BTW.

I carried a lot of hurt about for a long time, and anger. But I have learned that there are a lot bigger hurts out there than what has happened in the past and there will still be more to come. SOOO with that said, I move on. I now have known my family as an exJW longer than I knew them as a JW and really...I don't think I would seek them out as associates if I were to just meet them as people on the street. The bonds I have with one are special to me but strained at times and the family I make as I go is limited and much more special to me. Because they really know me, or at least have been through "real life with me".

There are so may things that being in my family that I missed out on that there is no way I can pin it all on being a JW, but it sure did exasterbate the situations.

Decki

Black Sheep

I am 'born in' but never baptised.

I have it 'easy' compared to those that made the mistake of baptism, but I am still the 'Black Sheep' of the family and carry that stigmata (In their eyes)

Since I discovered that the WT is a hoax, (around the time I joined JWD) my shares have declined considerably but I have still never had a family member completely shun me.

They have refused to supply me with current WT litterature even though their official website states that their literature is available to all.

I am sure that my correspondence incurred feelings of guilt over this, but the desire to protect their faith in the Society overrode their natural inclinations.

I just happened to have the front page of the Awake! I asked for as a background on my computer when they visited. They did not recognise it, therefore I assume that they hadn't received their copy at the time.

Nothing was said.

Cheers
Chris

reniaa

erm just aquestion blacksheep, why would you have a current awake as your background on your computer if your not interested or was it just a tempory thing specifically for your families visit for them to see?

Gopher

Can someone overcome this rejection? How are you dealing with it?
Do you think that you have missed what a normal family life is supposed to consist of? Do you think that this can ever be overcome? If you have been DF'd/DA'd for any period or time do you harbor hate/resentment still?

I've been DF'd 8 years now, and shunned (outside of "family business") by my dad (a JW elder), mom and grandma since then. They all live quite a distance from me, so this adds to the separation.

I have learned to cope with the rejection. I know I am an orphan (for all practical purposes). I think that deep down they want "normal" relations, but have been made afraid by their spiritual masters who have taken over their souls. I don't really recognize them as the same people who raised me.

I deal with it by keeping very low expectations, and since they've both been in the organization over 5 decades I don't harbor hopes that they'll change their mind and decide to become family to me and my DA'd sister again. It's their loss -- they're missing out on association with two pretty good kids they raised.

I don't think things will ever be "normal". They have their life and I have mine. C'est la vie.

I harbor no hate or resentment, just a dull pain. They're doing what they think is right, and they've been trained by their spiritual masters to blame me for my "independent ways", when in reality their organization is totally at fault. Totally. (I just am thankful I wasn't raised in an even higher-control cult such as Scientology or a radical polygamist sect.)

garybuss

I'm not going to let crazy people ruin the rest of my life. They want to, but I'm not going to let them.

I have ethics and standards. Jehovah's Witnesses don't meet my minimum requirements. The planet's full of nice, sane people. I'm gonna go hang out with them.

lisavegas420

I came to grips with it when I looked around at the people that were close to me in my nonJW life.

Currently....

The people I work with.....both same age as I am.

One girl lost her mom when she was only 9 years old. Her step mom was mean and abusive. But she continues on with life, just fine, great mother, and wife..loves her husband and family. Has blow out parties at her house, were no one looses any heads or body parts...no one passing out drunk..she takes care of herself...eats healthy, regular excercise.

One girl was given up for adoption and then her adopted parents were abusive. Yet she too is a responsible lovely person and great parent and wife. Put herself thru school, laughs now about her past, still loves her adoptive family, because they are her family. She uses her life lessons to teach her son. She is helping raise her husbands teenage daugher. Works hard and helps her husband run his business.

The only reason I'm pointing this all out, is because ..just like me, .....These women didn't get to choose their lives...they made their lives into what they wanted. Neither of these woman are religious (meaning attend a church or pray regulary), not that it makes any differance, I just notice stuff like that...and I ask nosey questions.

I only lost my parents to a cult. Their still alive, they are still making their own decission, (well they think they are)....That in my mind seems far easier to deal with then what the women I work with had/have to deal with.

lisa

Dorktacular

DublDipd, you will never completely get over losing your old family and friends. But, what you can do is create your very own new family and set of close friends. Marry, have kids, and be the best damned spouse and parent you know how to be. Make lots of friends and treat them like your family.

I had a close older friend (he's dead now). Mr. Horowitz was put in a Nazi concentration camp along with his entire family when he was 10 years old. He was the only survivor out of all of his friends and family. After the war, fate deposited him here in the United States, and after years of hard work he eventually retired to the same neighborhood where I grew up in New Jersey. He would talk about his family every once in a while and what happened to them and to him. I asked him once if he ever got over losing his entire family. He said to me that it always hurts to lose a family memeber. He told me that one day I would lose family members too and that I would hurt and miss them. He said that when he thinks of them, he only thought of the good things, the good times they shared and the happiness they shared, and that always made him feel fortunate to have known them, no matter how briefly. He also said that he had many friends and a wife, children and grandchildren that he never would have had if the bad things that happened to him when he was a young boy never occured. As he pointed to the serial number tattoo on his arm, he said "You will always carry reminders of the bad things that happened to you in the past". He then pointed to the large family portrait above his mantle and said, "Just try to make the things that remind of the good things bigger than the things that remind you of bad". He told me shortly before he died that he had a good life and that he was happy. Can you imagine being put in a concentration camp, losing your entire family and then telling someone years later that you had a good life and that you were happy? It took me a long time to understand what he meant and where he was comming from.

I'm now in my 30s and without writing my entire autobiography, let's just say that I have been through quite a lot. I have seen other people who have had similar situations to mine crumble and give up on everything. But, I didn't give up, no matter how bad things got. Now I'm just a few short years outside of what I hope was the worst part of my life (I say I hope it was the worst part of my life, because I damn sure don't want to experience anything worse than what I've already been through). Today, I'm happy. Rather than feeling sorry for things that happened to me, I prefer to feel like I emerged triumphant from an epic battle. I feel like the bad crap that I went through before was the test of hardship I had to undergo to earn the life that I have now. In some small way, I now know what Mr. Horowitz meant when he said some of the things he said to me when I was young. A wise man, Mr. Horowitz was. At least that's how he would have said it.

LouBelle

Of course you can - you've got to make your peace with and move on. I was pretty much born into it, baptised at 16 and came out of it three years ago. I have 100% left that part of my life behind me and am busy playing catch up. I'm free in my spirituality. I respect my family that are still in - I will not contact them.

Sure I missed out on some things, but nothing that I can't get done.

To all "born-in" DF'd/DA'd posters.....

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