Mormon Celestial Sex... A Quantitative Analysis

FormerMormon

I posted this on some mormon recovering BB's. I'll modify it to make it a little more understandable to JW's. This is an example of how the unerring truths of mormon doctrine meet the unerring mathematics. Enjoy.

Last night, I was gleefully counting my many blessings in the form of future celestial wives, should I return to activity. I wanted to get a better feel for what Celestial sex might be like, and thus, this analysis.

We know that a day unto the Lord is like a thousand years to us. (One rotation of Kolob (god's planet) takes one thousand years). This can be expressed as such (1/365)/1000 or .0000027. Our day is .0000027 of a day on Kolob.

We know that Joseph taught that the same society that exists among us today, will exist in the hereafter. Therefore, if the average mortal male copulates an average of 2 1/2 minutes earth time, we can extrapolate that as a resurrected being does the same --on Kolob time. In earth time, 2 1/2 Kolob minutes will equal about 1 3/4 years earth time. Now ladies, before you get excited about the prospect of 1 3/4 years of continuous godly sex, let me explain the rest.

Brigham Young bragged that in the hereafter, he would have wives by the million. Now, remember, Brigham is further down the food chain than Joseph, Jesus or God the Father. Is it unreasonable that Joseph would have 10 million wives, Jesus a hundred million and God the father have a billion? What's a few million among friends??

Lets assume you are lucky enogh to be Joseph's wife # 5,437,967 out of just ten million. Assuming NON STOP COPULATION, his wives can expect to have sex every 17 million years (earth time) Just think of it ladies... your sexual cycle could be measured... GEOLOGICALLY. You could have had sex at the beginning of the Miocene epoch, then waited through the Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holecene epochs before having sex again. Between sex, ice ages would have come and gone. Lake Bonneville would have filled, existed and then drained over 100 times between sexual liasons. Species evolved and died out. That's assuming JUST 10 million wives... Ladies, any takers??? I know if I were god, I would want one one millionths of my sons to have continuous sex, denying it completely to the others(who didn't jump through all the hoops and make it to the celestial kingdom). Sex once every 17 million to a billion years for my daughters seems reasonable.

But there's more...

Brother Brigham explained that God the Father (who was actually Adam) physically begat Jesus with Mary in the flesh. (Somehow he did this without having resurrected Adam-Gods body first, but that's a separate issue)

What does this look like on the Kolob/Earth timescale? Assuming the "rapture" and impregnation of Mary took all night (8 hours) and did not include any foreplay or transportation, then that copulation lasted (8/24/365)/1000 or .0000009132 kolob days or . 08 seconds kolob time. That's 8 one hundredths of a second. Talk about premature ejaculation!!! He wasn't even in before it was over. With that kind of penetration, maybe Mary REALLY WAS A VIRGIN. Comparatively, it takes a celestialized wife 2 1/2 minutes to "get her god off". The earth woman can do what the celestial woman can do, but she can do it 1875 times faster!!!!! What can we deduce from this?

EARTH GIRLS ARE HOT !!!!!!!!!!!

Now if I were a god, who just got shamed thusly, I might want to go console my injured pride with the lust of a million women. Like a porn addict searching through countless images, looking for that perfect picture, he might feel the need to go "through" countless women, looking for the perfect sex.

If I were a goddess, who just got put to shame by a mortal woman, I'd be pissed. Maybe that's why we are not on "speaking" terms with our mother in heaven. It's Mary's fault.

Assuming Mary was 13-14 years old at the time, that means God would have "had her" when she was just 20 minutes old, Kolob time.

If we assume the maxim of many 19th century church leaders that god is still progressing, is it unreasonable that in a future meeting on Kolob, someone would sheepishly stand up and say "Hi, my name is God... and I'm a sexual addict".

outofthebox

Hey!

Again, welcome to the forum. I love to read your post cuz I want to learn more about other religions, also cuz I see some similarities in the control methods used in JW and Mormons.

Now, how's that again? God lives in the planet Kolob?

gymbob

Man, I thought dubs were messed up......

Do they really talk about this kind of stuff at their meetings??

SacrificialLoon

O_o Kolob eh? That's some crazy stuff.

anakolouthos

Ha! You Mormons have it all wrong. Don't ya know God lives on Alcyone, in the Pleiades cluster! The WTS taught that, so it must be in the Bible, riiight?

". . Alcyone, the central one of the renowned Pleiadic stars . . . . as far as science has been able to perceive, would seem to be 'the midnight throne' in which the whole system of gravitation has its central seat, and from which the Almighty governs his universe" (Thy Kingdom Come, p. 327)

Seriously though, thank you for putting this together. And congratulations on your awakening, FormerMormon. I am really happy for you. I do not know much about LDS beliefs, but I remember having some long discussions with Mormons in service & being amazed at the similarity of some of our terminology & organizational structure. Entirely different backgrounds, but they somehow both evolved into the same brand of high-control craziness.

Mum

Hi, FM. I have read two books by ex Mormons, both women. One book (I can't recall the title) was by Sonia Johnson; it was the story of her campaign for the Equal Rights Amendment and her very scary ordeal being excommunicated from the church and the heartbreak of losing her husband to another woman. Powerful stuff! The other book was by a woman named Deborah (whose last name I forget) entitled Secret Ceremonies.

Both books made me wonder why any woman would choose to be a Mormon. But who am I to talk because I chose to be a JW?!

In Deborah's book, she described the Temple wedding ceremony wherein she was given a secret name so her husband could admit her into heaven. Why would a Mormon woman want to go to such a heaven? I don't expect you to have answers to my question(s), but it all sounds really weird! Your post makes me question even further any Mormon woman's desire to go to that wacked out heaven, a heaven that sounds like total mindless self-indulgence for men but total mindless boredom at best for women.

Thanks for the lesson. I know a lot of Mormons, including at least one very prominent family. Most of them are very nice, well-educated, sensible seeming folks. I sometimes find it hard not to ask them endless questions anyway. I keep my mouth shut because their everyday behavior seems so normal to me.

Regards,

SandraC

Qcmbr

"Do they really talk about this kind of stuff at their meetings??"

No only exs do. This is utter BS from the BS merchant himself.

Witness 007

I was told by Mormons, that The Mormon Song book has a song about God living on planet Kolob which is very embarrasing to them and rarely used.

Qcmbr

"their everyday behavior seems so normal" er - because Mormons are normal!! This is yet another prejudice laden thread filled with invective against a religion that FM is NOT educating you about. FM is making up a religion and passing it off as Mormon because he is trolling and you are falling for it.

By all means do your own investigations of any belief structures that interest you if you are so inclined but listening to wild sepculative gossip and then praising it reflects upon an intellectually lazy and morally repugnant approach. The supercillious approach that this thinking engenders suggests that you never really learnt the lesson that you may claim to have done by once being a JW.

While I do not agree with all LDS theology, while I think much of their history is a mistake (Mountain Meadows was a terrible tragedy and crime) yet still I know them to be a group of people who strive to be good people, honourable parents, charitable members of society, educated and open to discussion, fun without resorting to excess, clean living and health conscious, utterly social and willing to go the extra mile. There are always exceptions, there are always mistakes, there is always more that could be done and done better but people like Former Mormon are stirring, lie spewing, hate mongers - they are not nice people - you have some on this board who paint a similar picture of JWs and encourage hate when you know that the average rank and file JW was a sincere person who strove to be a good person (after all you are almost all ex-JWs) now that you may or may not believe anymore you are still striving to be good.

There is a place for critical analysis and reasoned debate but always always ask why a certain view is held and use that reasoning to determine the quality of comment.

R.Crusoe

It is intriguing as to what each gender will tolerate for the sake of another and what others will have them do for the sake of themselves. What man hasn't fantasized about male prostitution where women will come and pay him big bucks to have sex as he drives round in his Porsche? And many women can do this easily. But put all the tabboos and mistreatment of people aside in these industries and its no surprise that some guy way back worked on a way of linking religion and sex in a way more tuned in to human sexuality. Sexuality is at the core of human existence and as with all species, its successful continuation. Humans are so preoccupied with it that God has a special interest in it and tells people how to go about it in countless ways depending on your faith. No wonder some give up altogether or turn to orgyfests. And others consider a more sustainable long term provision. I wonder if all religion is not in fact born out of some human need or some human pain and revenge - as with the dumped wife - and never has been from any divine source whatsoever?? It would not surprise me in the slightest!!

Mormon Celestial Sex... A Quantitative Analysis

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