I am witness, "in good standing", and (at the
moment) technically still a ministerial servant.
Even as a child, I asked far too many questions
for my own good, doing much to bewilder and
bemuse my loving and well intentioned parents.
Over the course of this childhood, I secretly
disowned some of the dogma I had grown up with,
such as the notion of pre-flood nonviolence in the
animal kingdom, with the literal fulfillment of lions
eating straw. I just could not imagine why a ingenious
and clever God would create so many darkly beautiful
killing machines placed in the complicated watchwork
of a circle of life who's obvious theme is one of death
and rebirth, ashes and Phoenix, pain digging a
furrow for hope... only to scrap it for a stagnant,
glossy picture of a warm and fuzzy world where
spiders eat... acorns? and all animals die peacefully
in their sleep of old age. (what happens to the
carcass? I guess God blinks and they go away)
This is a picture of a world that would have to
be constantly maintained by an endless chain of
interventionist miracles, and that to me was a
picture of a distastefully uninspired Watchmaker.
This lurking doubt, this Dark Passenger, became
an increasingly important part of me, for good and
ill. On, the good side, as I acquired critical thinking
and writing skills, the quality of my talks improved
significantly. I became skillful at the nimble acrobatics
required to offer a talk on a subject which my convictions
less than aligned with the party line. This meant that
I expressed things from an angle the congregation had
never been exposed to before, and since I had enough
diplomacy to avoid actually contradicting Current Light,
my talks were well received by many. A few often chided
me for "using big words" and "thinking to much", but I
found that many sincere friends, even those of humble
academic education, found resonance in my off-center
spirituality.
Alas, all good things must end, and not too long after
giving my first public talk, I started down a path of
research that would inevitable lead me here. Soon I
stumbled on a horde of stellar books on themes of science,
faith, history, critical thinking, and philosophy that blew
wide my mind to the complexity and countless shades of
grey found in the universe. Along the way however, I
suffered the fatality of my fundamentalism. I am not
sorry, but a part of me does miss the warm comfort that
comes from being absolutely sure of something really big.
And so, after years of escalating feedback loops of
cognitive dissonance, I (with the help and resonance of
my brilliant wife) came to face my doubts squarely
and admit to myself that I no longer believe. Maybe
I want to believe, maybe I still believe fragments,
but the fact is, I openly doubted the existence of
God, and the literal truth of the Bible. That is
something a ministerial servant is simply not allowed
to do, at least not out loud.
Over the past few months I have had many hours worth of
conversations with my parents, my friends, and the
elders. These conversations have been often frustrating,
occasionally enlightening, and surprisingly honest.
I have openly admitted to: doubting in God, not believing
or respecting particular statements in the Watchtower,
not believing there is one true religion, questioning
the name of God, admitting the plausibility of evolution,
denying that a loving God should be held responsible for
the laws found in the old testament, and even to reading
apostate literature, including R Franz.
All of this information was volunteered by me, on my terms,
with as much tact, love, and sensitivity to their position
as possible. The results have been surprisingly non explosive.
Despite what I had come to expect from the "coming out"
experiences on the Internet, I found the elders to be
understanding, sincere, and kind.
Paranoid? Yes.
Vastly ignorant of the issues discussed? Yes.
But I simply saw sincere (if narrow) people, trying desperately
to help a wounded sheep. No Big Brother. No Inquisition.
I'm not sure why, and quite a few times a feel I VERY
narrowly dodged the "Loyalty Test", so I KNOW your highly
negative experiences are true, and I totally see how, with
a slightly different attitude, mine could have crashed and
burned in very similar ways, but that fact remains it did not.
The Elders are awaiting a letter confirming my stepping down
as a MS. I am still allowed, and in fact massively encouraged,
to still go out in field service despite not really believing
in the literal truth of The Bible (!), Although my conscience
has not allowed me to go out for several months now.
I can, and do, comment at the watchtower study. The "good bits"
that make it through my filter getting smaller and smaller, but
I still manage.
I honestly don't know where I will go from here, but I do know
that going out with a bang will solve nothing, and only hurt
those I love the most. I am not willing to let an earthly
organization steal from me my family and remaining friends.
If, someday, we have children, I want those children to have
meaningful grandparents, aunts, uncles, family dinners, and
hot coco with marshmellows at grandmas house.
I cannot change the Watchtower.
I cannot change my family tree.
I am not willing to compromise my own intellectual integrity,
but at the same time the pragmatic part of me knows that if
I am going to salvage anything resembling a Phoenix from the
wreckage of my childhood faith, I am going to have to play
their game by their rules.
And so, my dear Dark Passenger... I'm going to have to ask
you move over, buckle up, and let me do the talking.
[inkling]