Onthewayout, you practically told my story. I was a twenty three year old virgin guilty of loose conduct. At the time of the JC I was in emotional shock. that, plus the fact that I was finishing med school made me confess the events in a very clinical and detached way. I happen not to shrink from the words "pennis", "vulva", "vagina" or "hymen", they are and were part of my normal vocabulary.
I was told by one of the stooges (currently Df'ed himself for being abusive with his family, being kicked out from the family home by the police, and subsequently hooking up with a wordly woman) that if I was really repentant I would be covering my face for the shame I would be feeling. At that I got mad, he had no idea how ashamed I was of having to relate an intimate act to three uneducated arrogant men who had come into my home, ordered me to arrange the furniture around IN MY HOME for me to sit in judgement in front of them, etc. ok, now I am ranting. at the moment I was scared and ashamed. all they saw is that I was mad.
then truck driver stooge (have nothing against truck drivers, the father of my goddaughter is one, coolest guy on earth, he just doesn't sit and order people around and judge them), the one who almost stuttered whenever he had to go out preaching with me, started taunting me, saying things like "Rowan, you have to help us help you", "what punishment do you think you deserve?" and other things I don't remember. oh yeah... like, "what a case you are presenting us with", or "this is going nowhere".
third stooge, forty year old virgin, bethel elder was hissing all the time because because the whole circus finished at 3:30 am on a saturday and he had to work in his bethel office the next morning. I gave him 50 dollars (the equivalent of that) for him to take a cab to bethel, which of course he took. I don't resent that now, and yeah, the poor guy was being sleep deprived. or now, in retrospective, he might have been hissing because I was more worried about him being sleep deprived than I was for my current situation. whatever it was, now I look back, and the whole situation seems as surreal as a Kafkan tale.
I'll go on. it is good for my soul to release this.
that night, brother abusive told me in a condescending way: "I am so sorry for your father, Rowan". yeah you sucker, feel sorry all you want for my father, I love and cherish my loving father so, so excrutiatingly much that I went through three reinstatements attemps until I got it (oh yeah, for some reason brother bethel elder was putting all the stops he could for me not to get reinstated, for freaks sake!, get a life dude!, not my fault I am a doctor and emigrated to US and make decent money, got married and have sex with my gorgeous husband and you are a pathetic loser). and brother abusive, I feel sorry FOR YOU, AS A FATHER yourself, because even though your wife would take you back, your children loathe you so much that clearly stated that they would leave the family home should you put a foot back there.
I know I sound arrogant and resentful. please, believe me I try not be. I am crying as I write this. I guess my arrogance and disdain towards these people come from the deep damage they caused and the knowledge that we all, as human beings, deserve to be treated in a humane way, not stripped from our dignity. when we face extreme emotional crisis, we should not be pushed to the abyss, but helped and nurtured, concepts that are totally foreign to these policy enforcers.
1 month ago I was released from the psychiatric ward after being diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder. The events that I descrive above, that tragically are common to thousands of youngsters, gnawed parts of my soul. going through reinstatement took away more pieces of my soul. I did it out of love for my parents, and now, I find it difficult to even talk to them on the phone.
I don't want to be a victim. I am recovering and plan to live a meaningful life. I want to forgive, so these people don't occupy undeserved space in my mind. Now in response to the thread, yeah, I think I was pretty much screwed over by the JC.
and Onthewayout, thank you for your insight and humility when dealing with this girl. It means a lot to me to read about your feelings on the matter. It means a lot to know that an elder took his humanity back.
