What to do when your parents are toxic?

by Paralipomenon 44 Replies latest social family

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  Scarred for life

  boyzone:

  You are really in a tough situation. I feel for you. I think you need to call a meeting of all your siblings. Tell them it is serious and you need them all to be there. Then you need to be as honest as you possibly can about the situation and how it is affecting you and your family. It sounds like maybe everyone needs to chip in and hire some help. It also sounds like none of your siblings are close with your parents. Everyone probably has their own story of how Dad and Mom let them down. You are probably not the only one. Maybe everyone could express these feelings to each other and clear the air.

  I can relate to not being close with my mother. She let me down many times and a close relationship was never grown. It's hard to be there for them when they have not been there for you.

  But your siblings need to know exactly what you've told us. They may not understand everything about JWs but they can get the gist.
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  boyzone

  Hi Scarred for life,

  thanks for the good advice. I agree something has to change otherwise I'm gonna explode! I think you're right, I'll have to have serious words with my siblings to get them to take a more active role in mum and dad's care, especially my brothers.

  I can hear the excuses now. "But what can we do, we live too far away?" They can still pick up the bloody phone now and again! They can all afford holidays abroad, new cars, new clothes, cigarettes etc, then why can't they afford the ferry crossing to visit once a month?

  Yeah, time for a serious chat.
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  chicken little

  Strange how an old thread can be so actual. I started therapy 6 weeks ago to deal with problems in my relationship with my husband due to toxic parenting. Even after both my parents are dead I still react at times as if I hear their voice coming from my husband. It takes training to be the child/adult and cope with the feelings that rush up when you are so vunerable. When I read your original thread I saw myself 100%. My husband was also dismayed to see his intelligent wife revert to a child whenever we visited my parents.

  I would clean their house, shop, by them presents anything for some form of recognition...never love...I knew that was out of the question. I would even tell my husband where he could sit or not...my fathers chair was out of the question. If he tried to get me to question my behaviour I would feel intense anxiety. I was often ill for 6 weeks after a visit to their place.

  I am having NLT therapy to try to unite the child/adult to cope with the negative input. It was very interesting when I was asked where I felt myself as a grown women...I pointed to my stomach. When asked where I felt the child, my hand flew up to my throat and I couldnt say the word.

  It was most interesting as I have always been articulate in most situations except when I am in conflict with my husband that triggers the child to react. I go completely quiet, silence, for as long as it takes. It was a protective action that worked for me as a child as they could not get into my mind. It is not very productive as a grown woman, but unfortunatly one of the first responces that the brain uses as it worked then.

  I believe that my cutting off all contact with my parents saved my life, I was so depressed and suicidal. Yet even so there are after effects from such an action which many would consider too drastic. My husband knows that I do not believe he is my father or that he would ever treat me as he did, yet he does not understand that his reaction to me at times triggers negative memories deep down that then take over the show.

  The therapy helps....so if anyone else is in this situation...give it a try. If you dont have the money...get books...join a self help group.

  Chicken little
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  Fleurkie

  I have a mother who is completely and absolutely toxic. she never misses a meeting and reads her bible and literature all the time. Put to the test, however, she has no faith. It is really strange, why does she do all of this if she doesn't believe it? she has destroyed her family and no-one wants to be near her. Everybody, my three older brothers, myself, grandchildren, daughters-in-law give her a wide berth.

  She sits alone now, at 89, festering in her misery and lonliness. I've tried to tell her that you cannot sow thistles and expect to reap strawberries, but she doesn't hear. "after all I have done for you" isa common refrain. Yes, done for us, manipulated, lied when it suits her, control freak, and no love at all. She did nothing but run my father down, he was a victim of verbal and emotional abuse to his dying day. To this day, our family is un-loving and selfish and unfortunately it is because of the example we had at home. I've survived her but I belive she has a lot to answer for.
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  wha happened?

  Yea this is a tough topic. It took decades to figure it out. How who what and where. It took me to get to age 23 to get it. Finally had the nuts to argue and get him to check in. He complied and stuck to it. What can I say?