What to do when your parents are toxic?

by Paralipomenon 44 Replies latest social family

• 

  KW13

  Your right, your inlaws aren't that nice.

  My Wife's family have totally dropped her now since she reported a relative for abuse, her grandmother and mother both told her they wanted nothing to do with her and her sister claims she is staying neutral despite her knowing what went on due to personal experience.

  Seeing how it pulls Megan apart is really soul destroying sometimes, so now that her mother has started speaking to her occasionally i've insisted megan has nothing to do with her because each time this relative that abused my wife comes over, she drops megan again and to be honest she only got into contact when she heard megan was pregnant again, asking if she could look after our son and have involvement with the twins when they come...over my dead body. I told megan if she really wants a so called relationship with her parent that is up to her but any children of mine are not going near her or her family because they are twisted. I've heard her mum say hurtful things to Megan, such as 'your making the abuse up so i'll love such and such a body less' and things like that and believe me there is worse, its not just denial its just downright evil.

  Tell your wife to stand up for herself, she obviously has low self esteem and needs to learn that if her parents wont accept her as she is, an honest and hardworking mother then they should basically stay away from her. No one should have to run around after their parents just to keep the peace.
• 

  Big Tex

  My parents were beyond toxic. They were evil.

  At some point you have to take an accounting -- how much is it costing you versus how much are you getting vis-a-vis having a relationship with people like that.

  In my case the decision was simple. It wasn't easy, but it was simple.

  I haven't seen or heard from them in over 20 years. I don't miss them and rarely think of them. I know in my heart they feel the same about me.

  Some people do not allow anything but dysfunction. It is your choice whether to allow that or to make a clean break. Breaking away is hard, sometimes very difficult, but we all broke away from a dysfunctional cult-like religion; a place that took from us while giving nothing. If family, or parents, are the same then the decision is the same, but no less painful.

  Chris
• 

  Paralipomenon

  I think this tells you that, for good or bad, she cannot, as hurtful as they are, ignore them completely. She knows how you feel, so doesn't want to discuss it with you further. Please don't push, because then she will feel even more in the middle. Some things just can't be resolved so easily.

  Hi Quandry

  You may not have noticed, but the thread in question is almost two years old. :)

  My wife did read the book, "Toxic Parents" and it was a major eye opener for her as she was able to read exactly what she had been feeling and got the perspective from why her parents act that way. I'm proud to say that she has largely addressed this issue and now keeps up with friendly family news, but doesn't go out of her way to seek approval from her parents, she now knows it will never come and is fine with that.
• 

  boyzone

  What an interesting thread, I'm glad it was bumped as I'm in this situation too.

  To be fair I can't exactly describe my parents as toxic as I had a happy unabusive childhood along with my 3 older siblings. The problem has manifest itself since I left the Witnesses after 21 years. None of us were brought up as witnesses, mum and dad became ones when I was in early teens.

  I now live on a small island on the south coast of England along with my retired parents (not in the same house). My siblings all live on mainland UK 70+ miles away. My dad was truly horrible during my WT exit. He saw me treated really badly by the congregation and even though my mum was going through cancer at the time and I was doing all I could to care for them, he fully endorsed the cruel shunning I was receiving and even witnessed my 9 year old son go through such stress he was wrongly diagnosed as autistic by psychologists.

  My dad let me down really badly. He set up a meeting with an elder to address the way I was being treated, to my surprise he assured me that he would defend me. Instead, as soon as the door was closed, dad immediately agreed totally with everything the elder said and wouldn't listen to anything I said. He even got up and left me half way through.

  I was set up. I left that room completely broken.

  Now my relationship with my dad is tenuous. I am still the only daughter on the island and my siblings expect me to take care of dad, but I love and hate the man at the same time. Does that make sense?

  Sometimes I can't go round and see them cos I can't bear it. Often the conversation is stilted and uncomfortable and I don't want to share my life with them. Neither are they allowed to share their Watchtower life with me. In fact I know they've recently been to the circuit assembly, had the overseer's visit, had the memorial, but none of this is ever mentioned in conversation. Its as if they're throwing pearls before swine by mentioning it.

  Now I'm just tired of playing this game. My siblings have left the care of my parents to me and I'm struggling. Not with the physical care, but with how I feel about them. None of my siblings became witnesses so they don't understand the problem. They would be angry if they felt I was neglecting them.

  I feel constantly guilt-laden because I don't like this relationship. Where has my dad of my childhood gone? Where is the laughing, loving man I remember who used to give me a cuddle when I fell down and make everything alright? He's become hard and cruel in his defence of the Watchtower, and I miss that man.

  He's elderly now, 81 next month. He deserves better from me but I just can't give him anymore. He took everything I had into that room with the elder and stamped all over it.

  Don't know what to do now.
• 

  blondie

  boyzone, maybe I missed it, but are your siblings jws? If so, why aren't they letting a df'd (?) person take care of their parents. I would think for his peace of mind they would arrange for a jw or a non-jw to care for him. Is it a matter of finances?

  It is sad to find out that your parents love was so very conditional. It is not that you have changed but he has. You are still the same loving person you always were. Trying assessing how much emotional damage it will be for you and if it is healthy for you.

  If you want send me a pm and we can talk.

  Love, Blondie
• 

  jwfacts

  I read the book Toxic Parents a few years ago and that was the first time it hit me that the WTS was toxic. Almost every indicator of a toxic parent could be replaced by: Your parent Your religion does/says ...

  I have to wonder if some toxic parents are attracted to the WTS for that very reason. Not to say my mother is toxic, but I think she loves the religion because being so black and white it allows her to say "I am right, so you must do what I say, believe what I believe ... or else".
• 

  boyzone

  Hi Blondie

  No, none of my siblings became Witnesses, they all have their own lives and families and are busy doing their thing. I also have my own family but its the relationship with my dad thats so difficult.

  All my older siblings expect me to take care of mum and dad, yet because they've never been witnesses they don't understand how difficult that is when your parents are taught to think of you as a dog thats returned to its vomit and all the other choice phrases the witnesses like to use for us "apostates". And believe me, if the Society say I am a vomit eating dog, then thats exactly how dad thinks of me. What the Society says, goes.

  My hubby summed it up well, he said its like being black knowing that your parents are fully paid up members of the Ku Klux Klan.

  Its a real dichotomy. I want to be able to distance myself from them as I'm tired of playing this game of lets pretend everythings alright. But I can't escape, they need me around and my brothers and sister expect me to take care of things.

  I'm growing more and more resentful of this situation every day, not sure how much longer I can put up with it.
• 

  nelly136

  bz its very unfair of your other sibs to put that kind of pressure on you, its nice they can swan off into the sunset and leave you to pick up the crap but you are entitled to a life too,

  if you have a good relationship with your sibs and actually benefit from being in touch with them it muddys the water a bit, but if you dont really see or hear anything from them except their expectations for standards of parental care then maybe theyre more of a hindrance to you and own families wellbeing.

  spose it boils down to how close you are to the ones who did the runner off the island and left you holding the baggage in their absence?
• 

  boyzone

  Hi JWfacts

  I can relate totally. My dad LOVES the back and white certainty that the Society gives him, I think thats why he loses control of his temper and becomes livid with rage every time there's a doubt placed in his mind. He LOVES to be right all the time and has never done apologies of any sort.

  Like your mum, I think thats why the WTS is so attractive to him. It allows him to be this all important, always right bigwig. I've lost alot of respect for him for that. Perhaps it is the WTS thats toxic but dad loves it that way.
• 

  boyzone

  Hi Nelly

  I'm not close to my brothers, haven't seen them for months,neither do they phone mum and dad regularly. But I keep in contact with my sister. She comes over if there's an emergency but otherwise its just me. I did feel very angry with my siblings when mum had the cancer as I was really struggling. Mum needed constant post surgical care and alot of reassurance, shopping, cleaning, personal care etc. At the same time my young son was twitching and showing the full symptoms of deep stress at school (due to the shunning) I was trying to get to child psycologist appointments, hold down a job, keep my family fed and sorted, move house AND put up with the full shunning where I work and on the school driveway every day.

  When dad offered to speak to the elder and defend me, it was a real boon and the support I needed at the time. So when he turned on me and sided with the elder it was a major kick in the teeth. I felt totally betrayed and set up.

  All the time I was doing this, my parents were being told to think of me as "overreached by Satan" by elders concerned by the contact they were having with me. (where the f**k were the loving bro's during this time???)

  So all in all a really shitty time. Now I'm kinda left as this seething ball of resentment without any outlet. I would love to tell dad how he makes me feel, I'd also love to walk away and not look back, but I can't. I just gotta find a way of dealing with it but don't know how.

  So yeah, I do feel resentful of them. I know they're busy and I know they live some distance away but