so exhausted you can't rest (page 6)

TresHappy

Mario,

Great to hear from you. You know I grew up with a wonderful cousin. He was extremely talented, could play and sing and write his own music; played with Lyle Lovett and Randy Travis, and has his own following in the Southwest. We played tons together growing up; he was a few years younger than me. His favorite thing to do was to cut farts when girls were in the room. As he grew older, he got tired of all the crap and attempted suicide many times. Last February, he finally succeeded. We are all torn up in our family about his death. His mom is going thru therapy and feeling extremely guilty about everything. He left 2 kids who don't understand why Daddy is gone and we miss him desperately. Please choose life. I miss my cousin very much and grieve every day he's not here sending me nasty lewd e-mails and saying the most bawdy things.

Utopian Reformist

Hi Family:

You know, Hubert was right, he did slam me pretty hard. I know so many have lost family all around the world and somehow they keep moving along, keep living. Maybe they think they will rebuild and start over,maybe it's guilt, maybe it's the support or a whole bunch of related reasons. I keep trying to come up with new ones all of the time and find so much good information here with all of you and it does help me indeed.

Then, I hit a wall and fall into a slump. I lose focus, I start drinking, getting high and trying to leave reality. I try to find a stupor where I can daydream about Talia, pretend she is in the room, trying to remember her sounds and her laughter and her ways. I miss watching her copy the food network on TV and whip up gourmet dishes and 30 minute meals with Rachel Ray side by side with the TV and her toys.

I can't stand the fact I will never see that again, and how I will never see her make a mess with her Barbie Doll clothes and accessories and Marina being stuck cleaning it up all of the time. I miss her independence and her dancing and her smart-alic comments. I miss her every second of every day. It hurts like hell.

I am trying my best and falling down on the job. I want Marina to move overseas with me but she will not give up weekly visits with her mother and wants to stay in the US to keep her school mates. She deserves that right because it wouldn't be fair to keep changing friends and environments all of the time. But, I can't stay in the US, at least not on the east coast anymore and need to move far far away.

You know I love all of you like my own. I just find that lately I am alive for everyone else and that seems to be the last reason left right now. I will keep trying every day as usual.

Is anyone in Finland right now? I am in Vantaa and would love to meet someone, even in Helsinki. If anyone is in Rome, I will be there from the 23rd until July 2nd. On July 11th I am heading back to Bogota, Colombia then on the 19th back to Mexico City. SO, I would love to hang out with anyone who is willing to tip a few pints with me in misery so I can grieve with a friend close by, have a few laughs at everything, then walk me home drunk out of my mind.

That's all I am asking for, even though it sounds stupid and futile, it's what I need most.

Thx to all.
MJB

Utopian Reformist

You guys shared a lot and I am grateful. Nina, I really feel sorry about your dad and your son. I forgot about it and have been selfish lately, I wish I could do something like spend big brother time, maybe if I ever get out to the Austin facility. Tres, I never knew you had a famous cousin, he must have been amazing and I'll bet he was the life of the party.

Death really truly sucks and ruins everything and takes so much joy out of life, it's the thing I hate the most. I feel so stuck between that and between getting out of dodge. What a mess. I am so sorry for your losses and give you my love and support to you and your families. I wish I could survive like that instead of the pathetic shambles I am living right now.

I will remember I am not the only one.

LittleToe

If you can make it I'm coming over to the States for an ApostaFest in Dallas Texas on July 29th.

It sounds like you need at least a short break, and I know I'm not the only one who would love to see you there!!!

On another note - you're not pathetic in our eyes. You're a survivor, who has been through some horrific times. Keep the faith, bro. We're at your back

lonelysheep

If I was there, I would give you a big bear hug and have a drink with you. Perhaps when you come back to the states?

I know you miss your beautiful Talia every second of everyday, and the being this tired doesn't help to dim the pain.

hubert

You know, Hubert was right, he did slam me pretty hard.

I'm only trying to shake some sense into you, my friend. I hate to see you like this.

And I know, I know, I haven't had this happen to me, so I don't know how it feels. I hope I never have to find out, but I know if it did happen to me, you'd be right here for me.

I just love you like a brother, Mario, and want to see you have a good life, with what you have left.

So, I apologize for slamming you so hard, but hey, somebody's got to do it, so why not a good friend who knows what's best for you?

Slow down a bit, and get some rest, Mario, then meet up with some of these great people on this board. You'll be glad you did.

Remove the guilt from your heart. You are not guilty of anything. You are only guilty of having tremendous love for your children. Nothing wrong with that, buddy.

Hubert

TresHappy

Mario, thank you for posting. If you don't know it, I was one of the ones who called the Providence Police last year. I am so glad you're here to talk to - yell at me if you want - I know I did the right thing.

My mother has lost a child - it's been almost 40 years and she still gets up in the morning. Now her sister has lost a child. My mom says it's hard but you go on; if she hadn't gone on the four of us siblings would have never been born. I don't know the answers; all I have are my words and hope that the sun comes out tomorrow. It always does.

cruzanheart

Mario, you're one of the greatest survivors I know! Don't sell yourself short -- ever. You've been to hell and it's a long way back. The last time we met with Jackson's psychiatrist and therapist, we wanted to know "how much longer" even though we knew it wasn't a question they would really answer. But Dr. Ackerman (the psychiatrist and a damn good one too) said this: "Look on it as a journey that will take Jackson from Dallas to El Paso. Right now you haven't quite made it to Austin." That gave it perspective for us.

So your journey back from depression is probably from Helsinki to Tasmania, and you haven't made it out of Finland yet. But you're headed in the right direction!

Hugs,

Nina

valkyrie

Mario, I sent you the following message via SMS to your posted Vodafone-UK mobile. Just in case you didn't receive it (I don't know whether it is operational in Finland), here it is again for your immediate perusal:

Dear Mario: I am poster Valkyrie from JWD. We've not talked, but I've read your saga online and have been greatly touched by fellow-feeling. I have not known how express myself in your regard without "barging into" your recital - as I am only recently a JWD member (1 Dec. 05). Yet, I would dearly love to meet you and help you to relax your spirit in Oslo, Norway's beautiful nature, in view of our current geographical proximity. Are you able to pop over for the weekend? Monday (5 June) is a holiday; you could maybe fly this afternoon (Friday) and return to Helsinki on Monday. I would arrange to come to you, but I happen to have an old friend (from my London-days) visiting Oslo (from Helsinki!) this weekend and have arranged to meet her here. Please let me know your thoughts. -V

If you did not receive this SMS, you will not have my mobile number to respond. If this is the case, please post a reply and I will send it to you via PM. FYI: Blue1/SAS have good flight deals. You may know of others.

-V

Utopian Reformist

Hi Valkyrie!

Wow! I am so grateful for the wonderful invitation. I will have to try for next weekend because I am working tomorrow and Sunday (15 new servers arrived for a development environment and they have to be racked and installed before Monday).

I will check for flights for next friday. I would like to meet as many as possible and hopefully things will coincide next week. I have heard that Norway is beautiful and it would make me happy to see it someday.

Thx again. I now have a new international number using T-Mobile its :001-401-662-0121. It works everywhere in europe.

Thank you for everything.

MJB

so exhausted you can't rest

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