Maximus has requested that I post the following, for Jayhawk especially, and for others who are the living victims of the tragic act of suicide.
While all suicides are devastating tragedies, JW suicides are especially hard to bear, depending on the viewpoint of the survivor. One person may be shattered, while another merely accepts the possibility of a resurrection of a loved one. Almost invariably, the deceased receives some kind of mental judgement from survivors who are not related but are at least casually acquainted.
For the person with a JW background, suicide is almost invariably tinged with concerns about judgement from local Witnesses. And worse, judgement from Jehovah. "How does God feel about this act?" That often becomes a most plaguing question. Yet it is clear that those who take their life are so disturbed that they act out of pure compulsion, their perception of reality so distorted that responsibility is most certainly reduced. Surely such an act can be viewed with complete compassion.
We can never get into the mind of one who commits suicide, but we do learn from individuals who have attempted it but were thwarted. I’ve had all too much experience with both. From the living, I have learned that invariably the pain of hanging on has become worse than the pain of letting go. No choice is seen but death that snuffs out pain like a candle extinguished.
Those who attempted suicide but were thwarted somehow, tell us that whatever the problem, it became the central focus of life, the only thing that existed. One cannot conceive that life will ever get better. That pain is too great to bear.
The survivor invariably feels betrayed. S/he is abandoned, rejected. The very natural thought is: "How could he do this to me? Didn’t he think of US? Wasn’t my/our love enough?"
And so we search for whys. Was he angry? Why? Why? With it come the if onlys. "If only I had realized how sick he was. If only I had come home earlier." Suicide seems like an accusation, not just a loss.
It’s all well and good for a survivor to understand this intellectually, but one still feels confused emotionally. Simple answers don’t heal broken hearts. It’s important to understand the puzzle may never be answered or resolved, because the truth now lies in the grave. One simply has to accept that, and go on living.
How do you work your way through recovery? The process of mending a broken heart is painful and slow. You must accept your feelings, draw from your inner resources, and develop positive attitudes toward the past, present and future. The journey of healing starts with small steps leading from darkness to hope, from death to a renewed commitment to life.
You may feel robbed of pleasant memories; bad memories may prevail. That’s very common. Before you can get in touch with good memories, you must own and deal with negative images. As the hurt gradually becomes less intense, positive feelings will surface and start to linger.
Acknowledge your anger. You may find yourself angry at God for having allowed this to happen or at others for not preventing it. Some persons have found it helpful to write a letter to the deceased expressing angry feelings. Ultimately anger needs to be healed through a willingness to forgive.
Turn guilt into forgiveness. Survivors blame themselves for what they did or did not do. They have the sense of something left unfinished, something suddenly interrupted. Guilt goes hand in hand with feelings of powerlessness. It can paralyze and demoralize us, or we can transform it into self-forgiveness and a greater capacity for loving those who are still around us.
Healing takes place when you realize that you cannot judge your yesterday with the knowledge of today, that love alone may not be enough to save another’s life, that there are limits to your power and responsibility, that you were not the only influence in the life of the deceased.
Accept the loneliness. Loneliness is the price we pay for loving. When a loved one dies, part of us dies too. That can last a lifetime, because no one can replaced the loved one. Aching pain is always ready to pounce. Yet loneliness can help you realize the depths of your love. You can become more sensitive to the losses of others and to the pain others experience.
Experts tell us that suicide is a devastating blow to self-esteem. Rationally or irrationally, the survivors may feel judged by the community for having failed. The shame many survivors feel keeps them from acknowledging the suicide and talking about it—an important part of the recovery process. You must rebuild confidence in yourself.
Reach out to others. You can choose to let your brokenness defeat you, or you can decide to get up and get going. Once you have the courage to place your hurt, your sensitivity, and your compassion at the service of others, you have discovered the key to help yourself. For when pain is used to reach out to others, it becomes creative and transforming love.
Take heart! Suicide leave deep scars on the survivors, but there is no turning back. You can’t change the past. But you can change your outlook.
Let go of blaming yourself or the deceased for unhappiness. Live for yourself, and learn to take responsibility for your own future. That is essential when JW-dom is in the equation, because JWs are completely content to let someone else do their thinking—a pattern that must be completely broken if you are to climb up out of the cultic pit.
You can come out with keen appreciation for the solidarity you have experienced with others, and with a deep awareness of the beauty and the fragility of life. And you can begin to see life not so much as a problem to be solved, but as a gift to be joyously embraced every day.
With thanks to Father Arnaldo Pangrazzi.
"I know now what I must do.
Find you with me, you who have died and left me,
and face you and your leaving,
and hold you with me long enough, this time,
to say my own goodbye to you in my own way,
taking as long as I need to take."
--Alla Bozarth-Campbell