"Because someone else affirmed your beliefs, you're an atheist?"
No. I have for years literally since I really started to read the bible in my early teens thought wow god is cruel/wow the bible seems inconsistent / wow none of this makes sense anymore / wow I dont reaalllly believe this - yet I kept doing it because hey that is what we are suppose to do. JUST KEEP DOING IT. I had no choice because if I didnt I would have been a poor homeless person so I kept do it for years. I pushed my true feelings to the back of my mind for years because I figured that is just what you have to do. So when I came here I wanted to hopefully hear others who left JWLand and somehow found a way to get past the other stuff... the logic... the obvious. Instead I heard people saying the same things that I thought regarding the absence of GOD and iot made me so mad I literally wanted to punch thier teeth to the back of thier throats...
I did not want to hear on this board or anywhere the very truths that were in my mind that I did not want to accept or dwell upon. Doing so just made me upset and basically have to deal with my "demons" so to speak. It was not comfortable... it was not enjoyable it was painful.
"So why were you a jdub-- what struck your chord then?"
I had no choice... I was born in. I was told at 17 I had to be baptized before leaving high school or I would have nowhere to live upon graduation... so I got baptized. I had no way to get a decent job or go to college because it was not allowed so I decided hey maybe I can learn a trade(toilet bowl cleaning / garbage man /' furniture maker were the places I worked) at bethel. SO I went. I got there and realized omg it is even worse than I thought so I left. I came back home and got in trouble and had to continue in dubland until I finished my schooling otherwiose I would once again have nowhere to live. I met my sexy wife at my kingdom hall when she was visiting and honestly I would have become a Catholic or anything else for five minutes of her time LOL. Little did I know she was just in dubland because she felt guilty. HAd we mentioned this to each other earlier things would have been easier.
" I guess Im wondering about consistency. What's your constant? "
As a kid my only consistency was the borg. It was literally borg or die enforced upon me by an extremely overbearing mother. As I got older fear and lack of education opportunities prevented me from doing ANYTHING. However after leaving Bethel and getting to school I was financially able to do things without being dependent upon anyone else. I was free... to a degree. However, the emotional connections and friendships I would lose and the entire family I would lose prevented a full departure so I continued to wear the mask. My constant now... MY family . My wife and children and extended family from herr side.
"Do you find yourself in others, even if you find yourself in the rejection of the other? "
I have never been one to be truly defined by others. I was always a JW because I had to be. I bnever wanted to be and was never a good one. Just appeared to be. I never really followed rules I just put on the facade. In my alone time I tried to fully establish who and what I wanted to be but I was always constrained by that religion and the power it held over my world... my small small world that I was trapped in because of my upbringing. Coming here and being able to see people who walked similar paths that I had and then altering thier paths to thier truth and they turned out fine gave me the nudge / dropkick I needed to go ahead and jump into the pool. I was an adult.. meet that challenge head on and go through it.
"Who defines you? ... i don't know... just some thoughts. ...."
I am in the process of defining myself at the age of 36. I always knew what I wanted to do and what I wanted to be, I did as much of it as I could without being caught. However if you can't do it 100% you aren't really doing it I guess. Now there is no fear for me to do it. No fear to be me. I have to open myself up and allow myself to be me. I spent 30 years constantly checking every move I made and every word I said because PEOPLE WERE WATCHING. I had to live up to a certain standard. I had to be a textbook JW because hey that is what my family was supposed to be. My mom, my dad, my brother they were loved by everyone. My sister who never took to the truth was seen as slime by everyone we knew and was the topic of awful gossip for all the years I have been alive.(She just recently got baptized :( ) I didn't want to be like her.
Now I realize I have no choice but to truly find myself. Busiiness wise I have done and I am currently doing what I want. Personality wise I am getting there. Realizing no one is really worried about my every move. Religion, I have no need for it. It is a hindrance to me and always has been. The idea of a GOD that I must subm,it to or pay back in some way has become a repugnant idea to me. I can finally accept this fact about myself and not feel like an ungrateful shrew.
I typed alot... Jeez
