Hi midnight,
From one of your threads where you talk about atheism and where you are with your wife etc. it seemed to me that you had made up your mind that you no longer believed JWs have the Truth.
Your OP on this thread suggests to me that you are not willing to livewhat is, to all intents and purposes, a double life of disbelief coupled with some token adherence to the life of a Witness. Instead you are just trying to convince yourself that you still kind of believe and going through the motions and not caring about it is better than having to keep facing the question of exactly what you are going to do about your disbelief as time moves on.
Believe you me I can understand this - it's crossed my mind enough. Some days, just playing the game and participating would be easier than the alternatives. It's red pill/blue bill and right now you are choosing the blue pill.
It's a choice and you are free to make it. I just hope you do reconsider one day and when you do really want to take the red pill then we shall all be here to help and support.
All the best and don't be away too long :-)