When I was a child, I was mostly unchurched, but very spiritual.I felt very close to the deity I referred to as God. I didn't think of "God" in the narrow sense of a male being in the sky who was harshly judging us. I felt like God was a very benevolent being who was there to help us and teach us, but didn't butt into every little aspect of our lives. My childhood God expected me to be responsible for my own actions, learn from my mistakes, and treat others the way I wanted to be treated.My childhood God could be one thing to me, and another to someone else, and yet I felt that it was ALL God.
It wasn't until I started getting involved with organised religion that I even knew any other concept of God existed. For a long time, I believed what others told me about this stern, judgemental concept of God, because the people who told me about him seemed so sure. But gradually, I realized that a concept of a God who demands fearful service or retribution didn't allow for true free will, and didn't allow for the type of communion that is derived out of the pure joy and love that one feels when one thinks of the concept of God.I realized my joy was gone, my service was hollow, and that I would rather be dead for eternity than to go through the outward motions of serving such a God.
I was terrified with the idea of leaving the only community I'd known for twenty years, even though I knew I didn't belong there, that it was making me so agitated that my health was failing.Then I had a series of very beautiful, compelling dreams.Was it communication from something divine, or my own psyche? I don't know. All I know is that it gave me the courage to leave a belief system that was destroying me and my family little by little.
And the God of my childhood-be it a Divine being or an archetype of my psyche, it doesn't really matter a bit to me which it is-was there to welcome me back home:)