What I find truly sad about all of this is that I get more logical support and comfort from people I've mostly never met than I do from anyone inside this religion. When I talk to them, I already know what they're going to say. Just think of whichever WT article relates to the situation and you're already there. That's why I became disillusioned. I knew there were more answers than the ones in the paragraph.
For your support, I'm very grateful. I appreciate Jamie's kind words here. Your support means a whole lot to me. Jamie was kind enough to remind me that it's a cult. Sometimes, just saying that to myself helps me to let go a little more.
I contacted my old therapist, who I couldn't (and still can't) afford to go to. I'm going anyway, just because I'm not able to pay all the bills regardless; why bother kidding myself? So...should be going to therapy more regularly again.
AllTimeJeff--you're one of my favorite posters here. I'm ashamed. A guy has to have a nervous breakdown just to get a post from you. :) But thanks for your thoughts. They're actually, in a lot of ways, the same thoughts I've had in my head but have been unwilling to face. I've thought about asking her to leave for awhile. She might not mind it much. It was her suggestion, after all. But the thoughts I could share would create another post altogether. And I said I wouldn't. But thank you.
I've started to lose faith in everything. But here, amongst you, I found people who understood. All those victims the Society suppresses while declaring to the public that they're not running a cult, that if they were, there would be many victims coming forward. You're all here. A testimony to just how low they are willing to sink.
It won't be over anytime soon for me. My mood has improved slightly, but...my mom and brother are in this, too. My aunt and my cousins and their kids. None of them will think anything of me save that I was the oddball, the black sheep who dared to question everything. Or who just 'went crazy' and did some stupid stuff.
The Thought Police called Saturday night. Called my phone at 10:00 at night. Hung up on him, simply because I don't appreciate being called at that hour by someone who doesn't really care in the first place but is going out on a limb to create an appearance of concern. Can't even sit down with my family and watch a movie without being interrupted by the [blanking] cult. Maybe that wasn't proper, but...I think I've become much more of a jerk now that I realize I've been lied to and all.
I'll just tell them to skip the committee and make the announcement. I find myself feeling a lot like the character Rorschach in the 'Watchmen' comic series, who was the one person who didn't compromise when he saw the truth for what it was. The price for him was just as high. At least he met it without compromise, without cowardice. "What's one more body amongst the foundations? Well? What are you waiting for? Do it. DO IT!"
They'll try to get me to reconsider. But I've nothing more to give this religion. It's time they knew that. And honestly, I never thought living in 'the new system' with the people I worshiped alongside sounded particularly appealing. They didn't seem like the 'best people in the world' to me. So even if it was true, I'm not sure it would be worth being a part of anyway. Who wants to live under a rulership like this? And what logic is there in God creating us with the capacity for free will, then demanding unquestioning obedience anyway? Why not just create the broken pottery? Why create it whole and then shatter it?
I've repressed a lot of emotions over this weekend. I wrote about doing things I never thought I'd be capable of doing, and I felt better. But those things were horrible. It was the first time I'd written about seriously disturbed things that I wanted to do to people. I realized then that I needed help. Because the rage is a micrometer from coming to the surface, and I don't think I could turn it off this time. So I'm going to get help.
I need to do so before I see these people again. Because...I've never felt like this before. I don't want to do something I'd regret forever. They don't deserve to see me bleed. That'd be too much to give them.
I still say Oompa's got it worse than me. Doesn't make me feel any more sane, though. I mean, I volunteered for this insanity, thinking I could make something of it. I thought love was all that mattered. Then I quickly learned that there is no love save that which is reserved for the Governing Body.
Special assembly day is this weekend. Hmm. Doesn't that mean we don't have a meeting this week? I can't believe I still care about that.
But hey, don't worry about me. There are more relevant people out there, people with genuine suffering. I'll manage. Take care of yourselves.
SD-7