Posts by processor

My son, if you will receive my sayings and treasure up my own commandments with yourself, so as to pay attention to greed with your ear, that you may incline your heart to money; if, moreover, you call out for profit itself and you give forth your voice for moneymaking, if you keep seeking for it as for silver, and as for hid treasures you keep searching for it, in that case you will understand the world, and you will find the true life.

My son, my flaw do not forget, and my stammering may your heart observe. Trust in your own understanding with all your heart and do not lean upon any gods or old books. Become wise in your own eyes.

Happy is the man that has won the lottery, and the man that gets riches, for having money as gain is better than having coupons as gain.

The wise man himself in wisdom founded his house. He solidly fixed the walls with stones. He will not need to be afraid of the big bad wolf, nor of the storm upon the wicked ones, because it is coming. For his stone house itself will withstand any storm and any huffing and puffing wolf.

Do not hold back bad from those to whom it is owing, when it happens to be in the power of your hand to do it. Do not say to your fellowman: “I will come back and tomorrow I shall punish you” when you can do it at once.

Into the Kingdom Hall do not enter, and do not walk straight on into the way of Jehovah’s Witnesses. Shun it, do not pass along by it; turn aside from it, and pass along. For they do not sleep unless they drop off during study. For they have fed themselves with the bread of the Watchtower, and the wine of the ‘true vine’ is what they drink. The path of the righteous ones is like the bright light that is getting lighter and lighter until the day is firmly established. But the way of Jehovah’s Witnesses is like the gloom; they are constantly in need of ‘brighter light’ and yet they keep walking in darkness.

My son, to your money do pay attention. To your savings incline your ear. May they not get away from your account. Keep them in the midst of your wallet. More than all else that is to be guarded, safeguard your wallet, for out of it are the sources of life.

As a honeycomb the lips of a Jehovah’s Witness woman keep dripping, and her palate is smoother than oil. But the aftereffect from her is as bitter as wormwood; it is as sharp as a two-edged sword. Her feet are descending to the Kingdom Hall. Her very steps take hold to field service. The path of normal life she does not contemplate. Her tracks have wandered she does not know where. Keep your way far off from alongside her, and do not get near to the entrance of her house, that you may not give to the Watchtower Society your dignity, nor your years to what is tedious; that strangers may not satisfy themselves with your power, nor the things you got by pain be in the Bethel.

Drink beer from your own brewery, and tricklings out of the midst of your own well. Let your brewery prove to be blessed, and rejoice with the beer of your youth. Let its own foam intoxicate you at all times. With its alcohol may you be in an ecstasy constantly. So why should you, my son, be in an ecstasy with foreign beer?

Go to the job center, you lazy one; see its job offerings and become busy. How long, you moron, will you stay with Jehovah’s Witnesses? When will you rise up from your spiritual sleep? A little more preaching, a little more studying, a little more folding of the hands in prayer, and your poverty will certainly come just like some rover, and your want like an armed man.

There are six things that Slalomon does hate; yes, seven are things detestable to his soul: lofty prices, a spoiled ox tongue, and hands that are shedding innocent beer, a heart fabricating field service schemes, feet that are in a hurry to run to the Kingdom Hall, a Jehovah’s Witness that launches forth lies, and anyone studying the Watchtower.

Say to wisdom: “You are my sister”; and may you call understanding itself “Kinswoman,” to guard you against the Jehovah’s Witness woman, against the publisher who has made her own sayings smooth. For at the window of my house, through my lattice I looked down, that I might peer upon the inexperienced ones. I was interested in discerning among the sons a young man in want of heart, passing along on the street near her corner, Saturday morning in the pedestrian area. And, look! there was a woman to meet him, with the garment of a Jehovah’s Witness and a long skirt. In her house her feet do not keep residing. Now she is outdoors, now she is in the public squares, and at every door she calls. She has put on a bold face, and she begins to say to him: “Have you ever wondered what the Bible really teaches? I would like to offer you a free home Bible course.” She has misled him by the abundance of her persuasiveness. By the smoothness of her lips she seduces him. All of a sudden he is going to the Kingdom Hall, like a bull that comes even to the slaughter, and he has not known that it involves his very soul. He that is walking with wise persons will become wise, but he that is having dealings with Jehovah’s Witnesses will fare badly.

The eyes of Google are in every place, keeping watch upon the bad ones and the good ones.

Better is a dish of vegetables where there is nothing else than an empty plate.

The heart of the righteous one meditates so as to answer, but the mouth of the Jehovah’s Witnesses bubbles forth something from the Watchtower.

The name of Jehovah is a derelict tower. Into it the righteous runs, and the tower collapses over him.

Wine is a ridiculer, and everyone going astray by it is not wise. Better come to be among heavy drinkers of beer, among those who are gluttonous eaters of flesh.

Better is it to dwell upon a corner of a roof than with a Jehovah’s Witness wife, although in a house in common.

Who has woe? Who has uneasiness? Who has contentions? Who has concern? Who has wounds for no reason? Who has dullness of eyes? Those drinking the wrong beer, those coming in to search out foreign beer brands. Do not look at beer when it is cheap, when its price tag gives off its sparkle in the shelf, when it goes into the shopping basket with a slickness. Your own eyes will not see strange things, and your own heart will not speak perverse things. And you will certainly become like one that drank water. “I drank two liters of beer, but I did not become intoxicated. When shall I have consumed all bottles? I shall not purchase this brand anymore.” Do not be envious of sober men, and do not show yourself craving to get in with them.

If the one hating you is hungry, give him cheap bread from the discount store to eat; and if he is thirsty, give him inferior beer to drink.

A capable wireless carrier who can find? Its value is far more than that of corals.

A good wife does not fear for her household because of the snow, for it never snows in Jerusalem. Her owner is someone known in the nuthouses.

10

The (Un)holy Scriptures

by processor in

a while ago i wrote the (un)holy scriptures in german.

originally i considered them untranslatable, but i decided to give it a try.

so here is the first of ten books.. .

processor

https://unzj.wordpress.com/die-unechten-zeugen-jehovas/the-unholy-scriptures/the-book-of-ikehjah/

The Book of Ikehjah

There happened to be a man in the land of Klutz whose name was Ikehjah. And his furniture stock got to be seven thousand chairs and three thousand cupboards and five hundred sitting room suites, along with a very large amount of smaller items; and that man came to be the greatest of all the furniture salesmen. Now it came to be the day when the people entered the furniture store to purchase pieces of furniture, and a man named Blahtan proceeded to enter right among them.

Then Ikehjah said to Blahtan: “Where do you come from?” At that Blahtan answered Ikehjah and said: “From roving about in the store and from walking about in it.” And Ikehjah went on to say to Blahtan: “Have you set your heart upon this living room suite, that there is no one like it in the earth, a piece of furniture blameless and upright, beautiful and turning aside from stains?” At that Blahtan answered Ikehjah and said: “Is it for nothing? Have not you yourself determined a high price for this living room suite? But, for a change, make a good offer, and see whether we will not purchase the living room suite instantly.” Accordingly Ikehjah said to Blahtan: “Look! The living room suite is in your hand. Only give me all your money, after all I need to support my ten children!” So Blahtan went out away from the person of Ikehjah.

In time God sent the prophet Osamjah the Terrorite, and he was teaching in all of Afghanistan and Pakistan and as far as New York. And God was with him, and his name became great among the Islamites. And it came about that, as soon as Obamjah, the son of Barack, the man of the true God, heard that Osamjah had received his friend Abottabadjah, he at once came with his horses and his war chariots and stood at the entrance of the house of Osamjah. However, Obamjah sent a messenger to him, saying: “Going there, you must bathe seven times in the North Arabian Sea.” At this Osamjah grew indignant and turned and went away in a rage.

Meanwhile in Israel, it came to be that Slalomon, the son of David, ended his skiing career. He had been around a lot, and so he could speak three thousand proverbs. And he was wiser than any other person, than Sarah the Palinite and Gerrit and David and George the son of George. To earn money he published a book with his best proverbs and called it “The Proverbs of Slalomon.”

Then Slalomon was led by the advertisement up into a phone shop to be tempted by the salesman. After he had learned about forty phones and forty tariffs, then he felt confused. Also, the salesman came and said to him: “If you want to be a hip guy, you need an iPhone.” But in reply he said: “You can boast, not only with an iPhone, but with every phone coming forth from Samsung’s factories.” Then the salesman took him along into the backroom, and showed him all the smartphones of Samsung and their glory, and he said to him: “Any of these phones I will give you if you sign here.” Then Slalomon said to him: “Go away, salesman! For it is written in my current contract, ‘minimum term of contract: 24 months.’” Then the salesman left him, and, look! other salespeople came and began to badger him.

Slalomon continued to walk through the pedestrian area. And at a corner, look! there was a prophet, and he had a Watchtower in his hand. He opened his mouth and began to speak to the passersby, saying: “Happy are the morons, since they do not need to think. Happy are the fools, since they do not know that they are fools. Happy are the lunatics, since they will inherit the nuthouse. Happy are those who do not have a home, since they do not have to pay rent. Happy are the unhappy!”

Slalomon could not stand the words of the prophet any longer, and he raised his voice and said to the listeners: “Be on the watch for the false prophets that come to you in suits and long skirts, but inside they are misguided nitwits. By their Watchtowers you will recognize them.”

10

The (Un)holy Scriptures

by processor in

a while ago i wrote the (un)holy scriptures in german.

originally i considered them untranslatable, but i decided to give it a try.

so here is the first of ten books.. .

processor

https://unzj.wordpress.com/die-unechten-zeugen-jehovas/the-unholy-scriptures/the-qualms/

The Qualms

Happy is the man that has not walked in the counsel of the Watchtower, and in the ministry has not gone out, and in the Kingdom Hall has not sat. But his delight is in thinking for himself. Whoever has done that will certainly become like a tree planted in the desert, that dries up in its season and the foliage of which does wither, and nothing he does will succeed.

Why have Jehovah’s Witnesses been in tumult and the circuit overseers themselves kept muttering an empty thing? The elders take their stand and the members of the Governing Body themselves have massed together as one against the apostates and against their publications, saying: “Let us tear their writings apart and cast their websites away from us!” The very one sitting in front of his computer will laugh; an apostate himself will hold them in derision. At that time he will disturb them, saying: “I, even I, have published my truth on my website, my holy blog. We will break the Watchtower with an iron scepter, as though a potter’s vessel we will dash it to pieces.” And now, o Jehovah’s Witnesses, exercise insight; let yourselves be corrected, o preachers of the earth. Leave the Watchtower with fear and be joyful with trembling.

The wise one has said in his heart: “There is no Jehovah. All those worshipping him have acted ruinously, they have acted detestably in their dealing. There is no one doing good. As for Jehovah’s Witnesses, they have looked down upon the worldlings, to see whether there exists anyone wanting to study the Bible with them. They have all turned aside, they are all alike corrupt; there is no one doing good, not even one. I became upset when they were saying to me: “To the house of Jehovah let us go.” Our feet proved to be standing within your gates, o Kingdom Hall.

O brewery, who will be a guest in your tent? Who will reside at your holy Oktoberfest? He who is walking intoxicated and practicing drinking in time and singing drinking songs in his heart. He has eaten with his tongue. His money he has given out on beer. He that is doing these things will be made to totter. Those sowing seed with hops and malt will reap even with a joyful cry.

The law of Jehovah is defect, bringing back the Mediaeval Ages. The reminder of Jehovah is unworthy, making the wise one inexperienced. The orders from Jehovah are unright, defiling the heart. The commandment of Jehovah is mean, making the eyes blind. For a day in his courtyards is worse than a thousand elsewhere.

Jehovah is my shepherd. I shall lack nothing. In grassy pastures he makes me lie down; by the slaughterhouse he conducts me. My flesh he roasts. He leads me to lush meadows for his stomach’s sake.

I have not sat with men of untruth; and with those who study the Watchtower I do not come in. I have hated the congregation of Jehovah’s Witnesses, and with the wicked ones I do not sit. I shall wash my hands in innocency itself. Jehovah, I have hated the dwelling of your house and the place of the residing of your witnesses. One thing I have asked from Jehovah—it is what I shall look for, that I may not have to enter the house of Jehovah again all the days of my life. Happy is the man in whose cupboard is no Watchtower.

Taste and see that pork roast is good, o you people; happy is the able-bodied man that has it on his plate. O brewery, send out your beer and your wheat beer. May these themselves lead me. There will come to be plenty of beer on the earth; on the top of the mountains there will be an overflow. Unless the drunkard himself drinks the beer, it is to no avail that its brewers have worked hard on it.

As for me, my feet had almost turned aside, my steps had nearly been made to slip. For I became envious of the Jehovah’s Witnesses, when I would see their paradise images. For they claim that they have no deathly pangs and their paunch would become fat. Look! These are the wicked, who are at ease indefinitely. They have increased their hours of field service. Surely it is in vain that they are going from house to house. And I kept considering so as to know this; it was a trouble in my eyes, until I proceeded to come into the Kingdom Hall. I wanted to discern their future. Surely on slippery ground is where they are standing. O how they have become an object of astonishment as in a moment! How they have reached their end, have been brought to their finish through sudden terrors! “All the meeting places of God must be burned in the land.” For there is a cup in the hand of Jehovah, and the wine is foaming, it is full of mixture.

Anyone dwelling in the secret place of sanity will procure himself lodging under the very shadow of reason. They themselves will deliver you from the trap of the Watchtower, from the pestilence causing adversities. You will not be afraid of the devil by night, nor of the elders that ring by day, nor of the end of the month where you have to submit your field service report, nor of the destruction that is called Armageddon. A thousand go witnessing and ten thousand will try to convert you; to you it will not come near. Only with your eyes will you look on and see the predictions of Jehovah’s Witnesses fail. No calamity will befall you.

Sing to Randy Jackson a new song. Sing for the jury, all you entrants of the talent show!

As for this sea so great and wide, there are submarine cables without number, fiber cables, small as well as great. There the nuclear waste barrels lie; as for the ships, them you have formed to sink in it.

The utterance of the rail rider to the newly boarded passenger is: “Sit at my right hand until the one who has reserved the seat will appear.” The cap of his power the conductor will show, saying: “Any more fares?”

Miserable is the man in fear of Jehovah, in whose commandments he has taken very much delight. Ignorant in the earth his offspring will become. Witnessing bags and bound Watchtower volumes are in his house; and his obligation to preach is standing forever.

The idols of the nations are silver and gold. A mouth they have, but they cannot speak; eyes they have, but they cannot see; ears they have, but they cannot hear. A nose they have, but they cannot smell. Hands are theirs, but they cannot feel. Feet are theirs, but they cannot walk; they utter no sound with their throat. Jehovah, on the other hand, does not have a mouth, but he also cannot speak. He does not have eyes, and he also cannot see. Ears he does not have, and he cannot hear; a nose he does not have, and he cannot smell. Hands are not his, and he cannot feel; feet are not his, and he cannot walk. He does not even have a throat with which he could utter a sound.

2

Full Set of Old Theology Quarterly's!

by Atlantis in

received your message jim and the download link is below.. the download link below will give you the full set of old theology quarterly's.

the file is 430 megabytes large.. click the link and then click on slow download.. http://www.fileswap.com/dl/lddpwfsk20/.

atlantis!.

processor

I reduced the file size a bit (it's now 54 MB) and applied OCR:

https://archive.org/download/OldTheologyQuarterly/35-1889-1917-Old-Theology-Quarterlys2.pdf

10

The (Un)holy Scriptures

by processor in

a while ago i wrote the (un)holy scriptures in german.

originally i considered them untranslatable, but i decided to give it a try.

so here is the first of ten books.. .

processor

https://unzj.wordpress.com/die-unechten-zeugen-jehovas/the-unholy-scriptures/the-first-book-of-cubicles/

The First Book of Cubicles

And it came about at the time of evening that a man called David proceeded to rise from his bed. He switched on the TV, and in the TV he caught sight of a woman bathing herself, and the woman was very good in appearance. Then David called the displayed number and inquired about the woman and someone said: “This call is three shekels sixteen gerahs per minute. You will be connected in a moment. Did you already know our Website www.queen-of-sheba.com? You will be connected in a moment. Please be patient.” While David was waiting, look, his wife returned home, and he hung up.

Meanwhile there was a prophet named Elijah, and he had noticed that the people drank different types of beer. Then Elijah gathered all the people on Therese’s Hill in Jerusalem and said: “How long will you be drinking two different types of beer? If Highnecken is the true beer, go drinking it; but if Baalweiser is, get drunk from it.” Elijah went on to say to the gathered drinkers: “Take four hundred and fifty bottles of your favorite beer, and drink out of it, all of you; and it must occur that the beer that makes intoxicated first is the true beer.” To this all the people answered and said: “The thing is good.”

Accordingly they took the beer bottles that he gave them. Then they drank out of it from morning till noon, saying: “Cheers!” And it came about at noon that Elijah began to mock the Highnecken drinkers and say: “Drink at the top of your throat! Do you not have excrement and have to go to the privy?” And they began drinking at the top of their throat and raising their glasses according to their custom, until they caused beer to flow out upon them. But there was no intoxication, and there was no one lying unconscious on the ground.

At length Elijah said to all the people: “Approach the Baalweiser drinkers! There is not one who would still be able to stand.” Then he said: “Fill four large jars with water and pour it upon the drunks.” Then he said: “Do it again.” So they did it again. And it came about when the had done it for five times that one of the drunks woke up for a moment, burped, and fell asleep again. When all the people saw it, they immediately fell upon their faces and said: “Baalweiser is the true beer! Baalweiser is the true beer!”

Now all the people went to their homes, and David went home to his wife, filled with holy beer. Later it came about that David’s wife became pregnant and gave birth to a son, and David called him Slalomon, according to his favorite sports. And Slalomon grew up and became a famous skier.

And the beery spirit came upon David. And David proceeded to invent many songs and write them into a book. And David called the book “The Qualms.” And whenever someone in Israel could not sleep, they read this book to him, and he fell asleep at once.

30

JW.org down?

by jw07 in

i'm seeing tons of comments from sad jws on my facebook feed saying that the beloved golden calf jw.org is offline.. what are you seeing when you try it?

*crosses fingers* i wish it could never ever return.. are they getting too much traffic to support?.

work of hackers?

processor

http://www.datacenterknowledge.com/archives/2014/08/13/bgp-routing-table-size-limit-blamed-for-tuesdays-website-outages/

15

Are You Ready to Face a Faith-Challenging Preaching Situation? Too Funny

by Watchtower-Free in

posted to the facebook meme group.

apostate & ex-jehovalarious meme collection.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/jwmeme/.

processor

small spelling error in the bold print 'damagers / damages'

I already noticed this, that's why the example card is correct :)

10

The (Un)holy Scriptures

by processor in

a while ago i wrote the (un)holy scriptures in german.

originally i considered them untranslatable, but i decided to give it a try.

so here is the first of ten books.. .

processor

https://unzj.wordpress.com/die-unechten-zeugen-jehovas/the-unholy-scriptures/the-book-of-dextrose-hexodus/

The book of Dextrose (Hexodus)

Finally a man appeared in Egypt; his name was Moses. And he was stopped by the police because his donkey had been too fast, and the policeman said to him: “Stick your hand, please, into the upper fold of your garment.” So he stuck his hand into the upper fold of his garment. When he drew it out, why, here his hand was stricken with leprosy like snow! After that the policeman said: “You are arrested for drug possession and for riding under the influence of drugs.” And Moses tried to defend his rights in court, but he was slow of mouth and slow of tongue. So he was sentenced to forty years in prison.

At the end of ten years Moses issued a request by saying: “Send me away, for the prison here is flooded with frogs!” But then it happened, before the King could decide about the request, that a power outage caused a gloomy darkness in all the land of Egypt for three days. So Moses was able to flee, and he hid at the Red Sea.

Finally Moses meandered around there. He resolved that if he would ever return to a civilized life, he and his descendants would follow these ten commandments:

You must not install any mirrors, so that you shall not see your ugly face.

You must not use the beer in a worthless way, for the brewery will not leave the one unpunished who uses its beer in a worthless way.

Remembering the Monday, the Tuesday, the Wednesday, the Thursday, the Friday, the Saturday, and the Sunday to hold it sacred, you must not do any work, you nor your washing machine nor your dishwasher nor your vacuum cleaner nor your lawn mower.

Honor your cow and her butter in order that your cakes may prove tasty.

You must not murder, except for persons you dislike.

You must not marry, then you cannot commit adultery.

You must become rich, then you do not need to steal.

You must not use your testicles falsely, for example, in the house of your fellowman.

You must not desire the debts of your fellowman who has built a house and married a wife.

Finally Moses wandered about for forty years, first through the wilderness of Sinai, then through the land of Canaan and through Asia Minor. There he settled among the Turks for a while, sold kebap with unfermented bread, and raised a family. Many centuries later his descendants moved on to the United States, and they began to say: “How we remember the fish that we used to purchase at the Market in Turkey, the cucumbers and the watermelons and the leeks and the onions and the garlic! But now our soul is dried away. Our eyes are on nothing at all except the Walmart!”

While the sons of Moses were continuing to live in the United States, they once found a man going into the ministry on Saturday. Then those who found him offering Watchtower magazines brought him up to the whole assembly. So they committed him into custody, because it had not been distinctly stated what should be done to him. In time one of the elders said to them: “Strictly speaking, the man should be put to death, the whole assembly pelting him with stones outside the city. But being limited by the laws of the worldly nation in which we live, we can take action against apostates only to a certain extent.” So they kept holding the man in custody.

And during the night a vision appeared to the man: a certain Muslim man was standing and entreating him and saying: “Step over into Afghanistan and help us.” Now as soon as he had seen the vision, he asked for permission to go to Afghanistan to preach the Good News of JW.ORG there. So they let him go and brought him to the Afghan embassy, where he got a Visa.

Now when the elder returned to his apartment, look, there was a hare escaped from its cage, causing dirt everywhere. And the elder proceeded to say to the hare: “Because you have done this thing, you are the cursed one out of all the domestic animals and out of all the wild beasts of the field. Upon your feet you will scamper and carrots are what you will eat all the days of your life. And I shall put enmity between you and the fox and between your ears and his teeth. He will bruise you in the ears and you will run away from him.”

Consequently the elder saw that the dirt was abundant in his apartment and every item of furniture was full of dust everywhere. And the elder felt regrets that the dust and the dirt were everywhere, and he felt hurt at his heart. So the elder said: “I am going to wipe dust and dirt which has formed off the surface of the furniture, from dresser to bedroom closet, to chair and to sofa, to three-legged table and to four-legged table, because I do regret that I have not done it before.”

Now it came about in spring that the elder wanted to visit a mediaeval market. And he put on his garment and took his sword and was about to leave the house when suddenly two criminal investigation officers stood in front of the door. And they said to him: “You are coming to us with a sword and with a spear and with a javelin, but we are coming to you with a search warrant on behalf of the Watchtower Society, whose Kingdom Melodies you have downloaded illegally. This day we will gather evidence, and the Watchtower Society will certainly sue you and remove your money off you.”

The Elder, for his part, refused to let the officers into his house. Thus they laid hands upon him and put him in the public place of custody. But during the night a member of the Pirate Party opened the doors of the prison, brought the elder out and said: “Be on your way! I have convinced the court that the Kingdom Melodies are not protectable works within the meaning of the copyright law.”

And the elder came out of prison, and he became older and older. Finally the time came near where he should be gathered to his forefathers. So he called his congregation together, and he said these words: “In the beginning God created moth and rust. Now the moth proved to be the most cautious of all the wild beasts of the night. So it began to dwell in Eves wardrobe. But does not the soul mean more than food and the body than clothing? Observe intently the birds of heaven, because they do not go to work or purchase groceries, but they steal their food from your fields. Are you not more important than they are? Who of you by going to work can add one cubit to his life span? So never be anxious and say, ‘What are we to fuel?’ For your heavenly Father created the rust, because he knows your cars need it.

And he went to the toilet, and when he returned, he continued to say: “Gods invisible qualities are clearly smelt from the world’s creation onward, because they are perceived by the things made. And by God’s canalization the odor of the knowledge will be distributed in all the inhabited earth for a witness to all the nations; and then the plumber will come. Therefore, when you catch sight of the disgusting thing that causes debt lying in your mailbox, (let the reader remember former craftsmen’s bills,) then let those dwelling there begin fleeing to the inner chambers. Let the man in the basement not come up to open the door to the bailiff.”

Now the elder fell asleep. Meanwhile his wife came home, and all those present said to her: “Your husband is sleeping; leave him alone.” So she said: “Stop taking me for a fool, for he is not sleeping but died.” So, after making a whip of ropes, she drove all those present out of her house. Later she buried her husband at the central cemetery.

10

The (Un)holy Scriptures

by processor in

a while ago i wrote the (un)holy scriptures in german.

originally i considered them untranslatable, but i decided to give it a try.

so here is the first of ten books.. .

processor

A while ago I wrote the (Un)holy Scriptures in German. Originally I considered them untranslatable, but I decided to give it a try. So here is the first of ten books.

https://unzj.wordpress.com/die-unechten-zeugen-jehovas/the-unholy-scriptures/the-book-of-cellulose/

The book of Cellulose

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with man, and the word was a woman. And there came to be evening and there came to be morning, a two-hundred-and-eighty-fourth day. And man went on to say: “It is not good for the woman to continue with me alone. I am going to make a shoe store for her, as a complement of her.” Now the man was forming from every wild beast of the field shoes, and he began bringing them to the woman to see what she would call each one; and whatever the woman would call it, each pair of shoes, that was its name.

So the woman was calling the names of all the flat shoes and high heels and of every sandal, but for man there was found no beverage as a complement of him. And man went on to say: “Let the brewery cause beer to shoot forth, multiple beers according to their types.” And man proceeded to make the two great beer types, the normal beer for dominating the day and the strong beer for dominating the night.

And man went on to say: “Let the woman swarm forth a swarm of tasty dishes, escalope and pork roast and roast potatoes and apple pie.” And it came to be so. That is why a man will leave his father and his mother and he must stick to his wife and they must eat flesh.

Now the woman proved to prepare a dish from fruit trees yielding fruit according to their kinds. And the man began to say to the woman: “Is it really so that God said we must eat vegetables? They might be toxic!” At this the woman said to the man: “We positively will not die. For God knows that vegetables are healthy.”

Consequently the man saw that the woman was something to be longed for to the eyes, yes, she was desirable to look upon. So the eyes of him became opened and he began to realize that she was naked. Later they heard the voice of the mailman delivering the parcels about the breezy part of the day. And the mailman kept calling to the man and saying to him: “Where are you?” Finally he said: “Your voice I heard in the garden, but I was afraid because I was naked and so I had to dress first.” At that he said: “Here is a Zappos delivery for your wife.” With that the man said to the woman: “What is this you have done?” To this the woman replied: “The shoes – they were cheap, and it was a special offer with free shipping!”

Now Adam had intercourse with Eve his wife and she became pregnant. In time she gave birth to Cain and Abel. And Abel came to be a herder of sheep, but Cain became a cultivator of the ground. And it came about at the expiration of some time that Cain proceeded to prepare a dish from fruits and vegetables for his parents. But as for Abel, he prepared a lamb of his flock, even its fatty pieces. Now while Adam was looking with favor upon Abel and his roast lamb, he did not look with any favor upon Cain and upon his vegetable stew. And Cain grew hot with great anger, and he said: “If you eat vegetables, will there not be health?”

In the course of time, Adam and Eve had more children and grandchildren. One of them was Noah, a righteous man. And he listened to Cain’s advice and said: “The end of all flesh has come before me, and here I will start eating nothing but fruits and vegetables.” And Noah proceeded to build a zoo. And he proceeded to build an elephant house, three hundred cubits its length, fifty cubits its width, and thirty cubits its height. And of every living creature of every sort of flesh, two of each he kept in his zoo. And he charged an entrance fee and earned money, and so he could sustain himself and his family. Now God said to the man: “Today is Saturday. Be dreadful and become many and fill the shops and the malls.” And so it came to be.

And Cush made a cushy cushion for his bed and became father to Nimrod. In his time men began to say, each one to the other: “Come on! Let us build ourselves a Watchtower, and since too many carbs are noxious, we will write upon it, ‘Eat fruits, and vegetables, daily.’” Accordingly man ate less bread, and they gradually left off building the city because they became too weak. Finally the King said to his wife: “Hurry! Get three seah measures of fine flour, knead the dough and make round cakes.” Afterwards he caused a cry to pass through his city, saying: “Come here, be gathered together to the great coffee table of the Queen!” And all the people were filled from the cake parts.

Now after these things it came about that the chief of the bakers sinned against the King. And the King said to him: “Have you sinned against your lord, the King, by using chemical additives and ready-to-bake mixes?” Accordingly he charged someone else with bread baking. But the former chief of the bakers he hung up.

And it came about at the end of two full years that Pharaoh was watching TV. And there ascending out of the river Nile were seven stupid cows, and they were beautiful in appearance and skinny. And there were seven other, even more stupid cows ascending after them out of the river Nile. And the King told his dream to Joseph, and then Joseph said to Pharaoh: “The seven stupid cows are seven actresses. And the seven even more stupid cows are seven contestants of talent shows. May the King not be afraid; fourteen crocodiles will come and eat up the seven stupid cows as well as the seven even more stupid cows.”