Posts by azzazel

106

new, nowhere to turn, ashamed & afraid

by azzazel in

jw
friends

hullo everybody i'm new here, even though i've been lurking now for several months.. i have to say how afraid i am to post, afraid and ashamed but i feel if i dont tell my story, i honestly dont know what may happen to me or my children if they lose me, right now i feel like i've got nowhere left to turn and have my doubts about this place as well.. i know my story will shock you but i cant keep it in any longer.

i am recently disfellowshipped for immorality, the subject of a kingdom hall witch -hunt and subsequent congregational humiliation, .

during the process of the judicial committee meetings and proceedings no consideration was given to my real human circumstances nor to the spirit of survival nor human nature nor that of a mother seeking to protect her children from lack of basic fundamentals such as food, shelter and clothing.

azzazel

bigboi welcome to the twentyfirst century, i'm online inside a massage parlour and my time is just about to run out but it looks like when i need to know where i really am or was or have been or am likely to go you are the person i need to contact

thankyou for informing me

i almost forgot thanks bigboi for informing me of the real state of my finances and life as well

mommy & farkel you are cruel, i'm not sure if you have real human hearts or if you really are human for that matter, because i dont think a real person most especially a mother could say what you said to me

i feel so isolated, i'm sorry mommy & farkel for seeing that you will never accept me and saying so

that i have the power to see this now

does what i do make me what i am?

someone tried to sell me that story before,i think it was in a judicial committee meeting as well

maybe the same one i was talking about before, there were so many of them and all so lecherous

which didnt bother me except for the fact of who it was i was hearing it from, loving christians

maybe i'm back in the kingdom hall, it sure does seem that way, i'm hearing a lot of the same sort of things here i used to hear there

especially the back room stuff

oh i'm so confused

you sound like you dont know your own souls mommy & farkel thats why you say the cruel things you do

for the same reason those elders on that judicial committee said the cruel things they did, insisting that my life had to conform to their so called standard of what was believable and credible

what i knew in my own heart and had experienced in my own life was not good enough for them and they knew more about me than i knew myself

or so they would have me believe

: its easy to impute a wrong motive when you are not standing in the others shoes
Yet you had no problem doing it to me Tina, wasasisters and JanH. For someone wanting sympathy from others, you don't act like you're the least bit willing to reciprocate.
Farkel

farkel I must be imagining your reports here on slamming island woman elsewhere

island woman is a person some of us may not know and yet
she has subsequently been ridiculed and humiliated before us by you

that’s what I felt when you told us, but like island woman I suppose, my own feelings and viewpoint don’t count because you (like many here it seems) say they don't

if you did it to island woman there's no guarantee you haven't done it to anybody else

therefore, yes, I have no problem doing what I did to you

you can tell yourself there's more to the matter I need to know than this if you wish

in this regard farkel it may be worthwhile to also post the official rule book to your game here

before too many more of us make the foolish mistake of being unique humans & refusing to play by it

(sorry you cant use the bible its already been taken)

i can see i am unwelcome here,

no unbelieved

goodbye to you all

azzazel

and most especially goodbye to my two most precious adorable little angels, harry and holly, for giving me a reason to live while there was one

you always were and will always be my inspiration

106

new, nowhere to turn, ashamed & afraid

by azzazel in

jw
friends

hullo everybody i'm new here, even though i've been lurking now for several months.. i have to say how afraid i am to post, afraid and ashamed but i feel if i dont tell my story, i honestly dont know what may happen to me or my children if they lose me, right now i feel like i've got nowhere left to turn and have my doubts about this place as well.. i know my story will shock you but i cant keep it in any longer.

i am recently disfellowshipped for immorality, the subject of a kingdom hall witch -hunt and subsequent congregational humiliation, .

during the process of the judicial committee meetings and proceedings no consideration was given to my real human circumstances nor to the spirit of survival nor human nature nor that of a mother seeking to protect her children from lack of basic fundamentals such as food, shelter and clothing.

azzazel

The only prostitutes that I know of nowadays are all crackheads or heroin users.

that’s all about to change bigboi

because PROSTITUTE CRACKHEAD & HEROIN USER

aren't boxes/categories/classifications i fit into either

things are sure starting to look bad around here for me now

i've already got three derogatory labels stuck to my forehead

sorry to disappoint you all

but i'm a human being

azzazel

106

new, nowhere to turn, ashamed & afraid

by azzazel in

jw
friends

hullo everybody i'm new here, even though i've been lurking now for several months.. i have to say how afraid i am to post, afraid and ashamed but i feel if i dont tell my story, i honestly dont know what may happen to me or my children if they lose me, right now i feel like i've got nowhere left to turn and have my doubts about this place as well.. i know my story will shock you but i cant keep it in any longer.

i am recently disfellowshipped for immorality, the subject of a kingdom hall witch -hunt and subsequent congregational humiliation, .

during the process of the judicial committee meetings and proceedings no consideration was given to my real human circumstances nor to the spirit of survival nor human nature nor that of a mother seeking to protect her children from lack of basic fundamentals such as food, shelter and clothing.

azzazel

mommy like i said i have not labeled myself as a prostitute you and tina have decided to start classifying me as that

if it wasnt for women like you i would be out of busines, 95% of my client base is your average happily married man,

men tired of being humiliated and emotionally and physically blackmailed by women

i'm sure you and your kind can spot those kinds of whoremongering men on sight though,

forgive me if because from where i am i can't, they all look the same to me, average, normal, guys next door

or guys who sit on judicial committees

if thats the case, then we are all prostitutes, some of us are just honest about it

these are the things we are afraid to admit to ourselves

i'm a loving mother of two adorable children trying to get by the best she can in a world full of people who cant seem to accept each other as they are but have to label them into derogatory categories

thats what i'm so upset about, thinking that the world is possibly full of people like that

i'm also a human being and i can still look at myself in the mirror believe it or not

i know exactly what i am doing,why and under what circumstances, i'm sorry if the complexity of my life story does not conform to yours or anyone elses here validation criteria

i'm sorry if my story doesn't add up, i'm sure it doesn't seeing how i've hardly begun to tell it

my clients stories don't add up either so in that regard maybe i'm not so alone

thankyou for confirming all my fears about posting here

azzazel

106

new, nowhere to turn, ashamed & afraid

by azzazel in

jw
friends

hullo everybody i'm new here, even though i've been lurking now for several months.. i have to say how afraid i am to post, afraid and ashamed but i feel if i dont tell my story, i honestly dont know what may happen to me or my children if they lose me, right now i feel like i've got nowhere left to turn and have my doubts about this place as well.. i know my story will shock you but i cant keep it in any longer.

i am recently disfellowshipped for immorality, the subject of a kingdom hall witch -hunt and subsequent congregational humiliation, .

during the process of the judicial committee meetings and proceedings no consideration was given to my real human circumstances nor to the spirit of survival nor human nature nor that of a mother seeking to protect her children from lack of basic fundamentals such as food, shelter and clothing.

azzazel

rochelle, fact is far stranger than fiction

lovesdubs, i'm screwing half a dozen guys or more a night, eight hours a night, five nights a week for cash and i'm not feeling enough guilt?

are you the person i need to come to here to be told the measure of guilt i'm feeling and whether or not it's enough to warrant your sympathy?

funny i think i've heard that story before but it was inside a judicial committee

thank you for informing me of your role here, upsetting as it is to me to quite clearly see that in what you have written

trevor, thank you for the poem it almost exactly expresses how i feel

azzazel

i've hardly even touched on a minute fraction of my life, the depths of depravity i feel i've sunken to and yet the reason why, the choices i made were the only option open at the time and these are the feelings i'm torn between, what i thought i was and what i found out i was due to a set of irreversible circumstances, which went up in smoke one by one until i got to where i am now

whith an impossible chance as my only one

and taking it

106

new, nowhere to turn, ashamed & afraid

by azzazel in

jw
friends

hullo everybody i'm new here, even though i've been lurking now for several months.. i have to say how afraid i am to post, afraid and ashamed but i feel if i dont tell my story, i honestly dont know what may happen to me or my children if they lose me, right now i feel like i've got nowhere left to turn and have my doubts about this place as well.. i know my story will shock you but i cant keep it in any longer.

i am recently disfellowshipped for immorality, the subject of a kingdom hall witch -hunt and subsequent congregational humiliation, .

during the process of the judicial committee meetings and proceedings no consideration was given to my real human circumstances nor to the spirit of survival nor human nature nor that of a mother seeking to protect her children from lack of basic fundamentals such as food, shelter and clothing.

azzazel

tina, when did I call myself a prostitute?

no you labeled me that, send it to print as a sticker and I'll wear stuck to my forehead if it makes you feel better

I'll continue to see myself as a complete human being

thankyou azzazel

106

new, nowhere to turn, ashamed & afraid

by azzazel in

jw
friends

hullo everybody i'm new here, even though i've been lurking now for several months.. i have to say how afraid i am to post, afraid and ashamed but i feel if i dont tell my story, i honestly dont know what may happen to me or my children if they lose me, right now i feel like i've got nowhere left to turn and have my doubts about this place as well.. i know my story will shock you but i cant keep it in any longer.

i am recently disfellowshipped for immorality, the subject of a kingdom hall witch -hunt and subsequent congregational humiliation, .

during the process of the judicial committee meetings and proceedings no consideration was given to my real human circumstances nor to the spirit of survival nor human nature nor that of a mother seeking to protect her children from lack of basic fundamentals such as food, shelter and clothing.

azzazel

how come i knew you were going to tell me that again, like you told me that again tina?

I am azzazel the scapegoat of all you'll never acknowledge exists within your own soul

thank you azzazel

106

new, nowhere to turn, ashamed & afraid

by azzazel in

jw
friends

hullo everybody i'm new here, even though i've been lurking now for several months.. i have to say how afraid i am to post, afraid and ashamed but i feel if i dont tell my story, i honestly dont know what may happen to me or my children if they lose me, right now i feel like i've got nowhere left to turn and have my doubts about this place as well.. i know my story will shock you but i cant keep it in any longer.

i am recently disfellowshipped for immorality, the subject of a kingdom hall witch -hunt and subsequent congregational humiliation, .

during the process of the judicial committee meetings and proceedings no consideration was given to my real human circumstances nor to the spirit of survival nor human nature nor that of a mother seeking to protect her children from lack of basic fundamentals such as food, shelter and clothing.

azzazel

how come i knew you were going to tell me that, like you told me that tina?

I am azzazel the scapegoat of all you'll never acknowledge exists within your own soul

106

new, nowhere to turn, ashamed & afraid

by azzazel in

jw
friends

hullo everybody i'm new here, even though i've been lurking now for several months.. i have to say how afraid i am to post, afraid and ashamed but i feel if i dont tell my story, i honestly dont know what may happen to me or my children if they lose me, right now i feel like i've got nowhere left to turn and have my doubts about this place as well.. i know my story will shock you but i cant keep it in any longer.

i am recently disfellowshipped for immorality, the subject of a kingdom hall witch -hunt and subsequent congregational humiliation, .

during the process of the judicial committee meetings and proceedings no consideration was given to my real human circumstances nor to the spirit of survival nor human nature nor that of a mother seeking to protect her children from lack of basic fundamentals such as food, shelter and clothing.

azzazel

comf nice try but I'm not about to tell you my story

but lets just say when you know how it feels to be a woman left alone in the world, with herself and two young children to feed, not a hope in hell of getting a job , so far in the red your about to get thrown out on the street with nowhere to go,

the only god that’s going to save you is cold hard cash ,

thanks for your comment

when you are a young single african american female parent faced with no other choice in life, in order for herself and her two young children to not live, simply survive one day, one hour, one minute, one second

has had to not care who she has sex with than I will take you seriously

that’s when you start to learn a few things about who is and who isn't getting by

who is still faking it, pretending there's a part of themselves that doesn't exist

who cant accept the complete reality of life because it includes things they'd rather not believe could possibly exist within

exist within themself or oneself and by default another of their kind - a human

but there are certain things in life that just cant be boxed into those cramped kind of conditions

into the box your using to classify me, categorize me,

label me already when you dont even know me as

:a martyr

i dont and wont fit into it i'm sorry

some things are hard to get used to

like reality

there's always more to it than what meets the eye isn't there?

well I suppose you could say that I'm one of those it's, living breathing 100% satisfaction money back guarantee

there's much more to me than what meets the eye

it's just that I made the mistake of thinking everybody knew the same about themselves

and could admit it, you know someone like you comf,

i've forgotten more than you'll ever know about this board

believe me i read it loud and clear as i read you

thankyou azzazel

ps. neither me nor my family were ever really a popular family in the congregation

i think it was because we didn't go out if the field service very much

106

new, nowhere to turn, ashamed & afraid

by azzazel in

jw
friends

hullo everybody i'm new here, even though i've been lurking now for several months.. i have to say how afraid i am to post, afraid and ashamed but i feel if i dont tell my story, i honestly dont know what may happen to me or my children if they lose me, right now i feel like i've got nowhere left to turn and have my doubts about this place as well.. i know my story will shock you but i cant keep it in any longer.

i am recently disfellowshipped for immorality, the subject of a kingdom hall witch -hunt and subsequent congregational humiliation, .

during the process of the judicial committee meetings and proceedings no consideration was given to my real human circumstances nor to the spirit of survival nor human nature nor that of a mother seeking to protect her children from lack of basic fundamentals such as food, shelter and clothing.

azzazel

thank you bug eye and all of you with your kind words so far

I did not mean to be harsh in naming the people I did by name and my making observations of their personalities, I chose them as merely the most obvious examples

you see one thing I am good at now, after having to put myself what I put myself through, faced with the reality of my present unique circumstances and situation ,

is the ability to see the people who are afraid to face the darkness within themselves

I can see those people much more easily now

after this experience, this insight, this vision into the darkness capable of my own soul I guess you could call it

and you cant see that, you are blind to that vision of your own darkness until you have had to confront it within yourself

the heartbreak of having to tear your soul in two and act totally diametrically at odds against everything about yourself you thought you ever believed in

so someone you love can live, well if you love like I love, but it doesn't seem like too many do

that’s what I'm afraid of & that’s what I'm scared of

that no one hear can say they love someone that much that they wouldn’t give their own life to save them

they way that i had to

so I have to say that in some ways I do understand and sympathize and feel some compassion for their blindness and ignorance

because going through what I'm going through and have gone through, despite the insights and the vision

well it's not something I would too readily wish upon another

forgive my hesitations and fears, but for the moment I would rather not correspond with anyone here in private emails

also i do not wish to go into chat because my story is so shocking i know some will want to become morally superior if i begin to tell it

i've seen them do it enough on their posts here to know that that will happen

i have no reason so far to believe that anyone here has had to do what i have done and still continue to do

i have no reason so far to believe that anyone here has had to make decisions based on my set of circumstances

and of that, like i said, i am so very much afraid

but thankyou for your kindness in offering, azzazel

ps. I was sixteen and unmarried when I had my first child and yet i fear there will be those who mock my sincerity

i feel so naked and so vulnerable.

106

new, nowhere to turn, ashamed & afraid

by azzazel in

jw
friends

hullo everybody i'm new here, even though i've been lurking now for several months.. i have to say how afraid i am to post, afraid and ashamed but i feel if i dont tell my story, i honestly dont know what may happen to me or my children if they lose me, right now i feel like i've got nowhere left to turn and have my doubts about this place as well.. i know my story will shock you but i cant keep it in any longer.

i am recently disfellowshipped for immorality, the subject of a kingdom hall witch -hunt and subsequent congregational humiliation, .

during the process of the judicial committee meetings and proceedings no consideration was given to my real human circumstances nor to the spirit of survival nor human nature nor that of a mother seeking to protect her children from lack of basic fundamentals such as food, shelter and clothing.

azzazel

thank you tmh - you see i did what i did and what i have to still do out of love and yet the brothers, to use one of their terms, imputed wrong motives saying i was motivated by evil and wickedness and sin

its easy to impute a wrong motive when you are not standing in the others shoes

as i said my motive has always been and will always be my deep love for my children

what i am doing to survive must remain my secret until i decide to tell it

not even my family knows what i'm doing, thats whats hard, having no one to talk to

to have someone to talk to, i can trust, thats all i need right now
i feel so hopelessly alone and isolated within, azzazel