Messy home or no home?

by Sparkplug 25 Replies latest social relationships

  • Sparkplug

    Ok, I had an old friend who stopped by tonight. she is in a bad marriage. In way over her head in debt, no where to go and is actually concidering staying longer in this abusive relationship for financial stability. Her daughter just left her house because the husband/stepdad is so abusive. Went to live with a dad she does not even know.

    Well I said to her, "If it gets too bad, you can always come her for a bit." That was the last think I wanted to offer her, just because she used to be...some 10 years back, the biggest slob. Just filthy disgusting. Like half eaten hamburgers under her table. She looked at me and said that she was thankful for the offer, but she does not know if she can live with me because she does not like a messy home. She asked if we always live in such a mess.

    So here I sit. This has been a hell month or last month or two, but especially just this week. The garbage disposal backed up last night and I cannot get this crappy water out of the sink. The door on the dryer broke this week and I cant work on it till this weekend. So clothes are piled up. We are building in the back yard, so tools, sawdust and cords are everywhere. And as we walked in, the cat found the toilet paper roll and shredded it everywhere...again. We just got in from work and school, so bookbags were thrown everywhere and shoes, socks and workbags from 4 people. This was not a glamourous moment. No place to wash dishes and the catbox needed changed, trash needed taken out. So she comes in with 15 minutes notice and well this is what you get. Real life.

    She married for money and I for love. We both wound up completely unhappy. So now she needs out and I am here for her. Well somewhere in her journey, I think she forgot where she came from, and it was I that used to go clean her house whenever she was swamped with real life. I really did. I also was so obsessed with cleaning house. I think this comes from being unhappy. The obsession bit. Now it is usually a bit crazy here, but not really ever as bad as it was tonight. I just got behind and that came with pulling out of being sick with bronchitis.

    Listen to me making excuses. I think a home despite our hangups today is better than an abusive home. Made me want to take my offer back. I thought of her in her 150,000 home and 1 kid in the house, a husband who helps her despite his ass of a personality...and thought to myself, that it must be not that bad for her. She is going to have to be beaten to a pulp or something. It really cant be that bad if she who is $1000 short of making it on her own a month cannot accept free help and say, you know what?..I can help you get on top of it now. And maybe that is a way I could say thank you. Remember when~~~~~~~~?.

    Talk about an embarrasing moment. I wanted to offer her a Draino cocktail.

  • Sparkplug

    I am going to go clean. Best thing to do when I am pissed off.

  • Lady Lee
    Lady Lee


    The next time she comes over to cry on your shoulder give her the number of the Domestic Violence hotline. It's usually in the front of the phone book.

    She's got a lot of nerve if you ask me

  • Soledad

    The biggest mistake I ever made was offering my home to a co-worker who had an abusive partner. The first week went kind of ok but then she just had to let her partner know where she was staying and along came the threatening phone calls, the banging on doors and windows all night long, the cops, the loud phone arguments, etc. I went to the police precinct to get a restraining order but she begged me not to. That's when I told her she must leave. I felt really bad because I just knew that she was going to go back to him but there was not a chance in hell that man was going to come to my house and act nuts.

    I'm not saying that I wouldn't offer help again if I meet somebody else in that situation, but no doubt that there will be some house rules in full effect! Starting with do not tell your partner where you are staying!!

  • avishai
    The garbage disposal backed up last night and I cannot get this crappy water out of the sink.

    Have you tried plunging it?

    The trick is if it's a double sink, you'll have to have someone else help you, by both plugging the drain in the other sink, and plugging up the dishwasher outflow tube (if you have one) on top of the sink. Works almost every time

  • luna2

    I think it was sweet of you to offer to help. I also think maybe it was a good thing that stuff was a bit more chaotic than usual at your place so that she more or less refused your offer. Perhaps the extra messiness was happy fate. She doesn't sound like a tactful or grateful person, which makes me wonder if it wouldn't be a pretty big chore to have her under foot.

  • Sparkplug

    That is exactly what feel like doing, Lady lee. I am still so mad. I kept thinking to myself that I have not seen her in near 6 years and wow...It has to be bad. She gained like 150 lbs. No joke. I gained too, life happens but she really has. I am thinking depression. I have been there so I don't care that she looked like crap and that she has made mistakes. I just wanted her safe.

    She is so depressed and yet worried about money. She has just lost her daughter and the way I see it if she does not make a move and stand up to this man, she may never regain her. It was like she has that abused mentality. And who can fault her for that. Nobody can make the first step but her. That I can deal with. But in listening to her talk it was all about her only. Not her kids, not seeing a clean way out available now. None of that. Just the loss of a huge home. It was like she worried about loosing the home, but not about the already gone daughter, and the self worth and love she is missing. Or the child she still has at the house who has to be affected by all of this.

    It really was sad. Now........ to loose my anger at her "nerve".

  • Frannie Banannie
    Frannie Banannie

    ((((Sparky))))) What a load of crapola! She's got her nerve! I'd send her an email or drop a line in snail mail and rescind that invitation with the stipulation that I only extend gracious invitations to people who remember how messy it can be to have a life. pffft!

    Battered women shelters stipulate that no one can reveal their location or bring anyone they know to the shelter for just the reasons Soledad mentioned.


  • cruzanheart

    Do you know what your house is full of? LOVE!!! And love trumps all the plugged up drains, broken dryer doors and chewed up toilet tissue in the world. I thought your house was beautiful. It is full of things that you love, and those two gorgeous daughters -- so what if a few things are scattered around? That's real life. Stuff happens, and a lot of it ain't pretty. (Our basset likes to shred toilet paper too, preferably while still on the roll, so if you sit down you're treated to lacey leftovers that won't wipe nothin'.)

    So take a deep breath, work one more day and then it's the weekend! (And if you need a dryer you can come over to my house.)


  • Sparkplug

    Avishai. I dont have a dishwasher. So I plugged the one side of the sink and turned the disposal on. It just made a great blender. I tried to rotate the blade and nothing moved. I tried Draino...(to my plumber friend, I am sorry, I knowit is a bad thing). I have scooped out a bunch of crap that was in the disposal and tried to plunge it, thus getting a face full of crap and draino. (nice huh)

    So what now?


    I took it as a blessing. She said something about 2 women living in the same house. this I understood, for most people, but having been in her shoes before...well you do what you have to do. I am almost thankful the house was a mess, because I have helped people before and really kicked myself before when they wont help themselves and they are in your home.

    Sometimes I cannot understand people. It really is not that hard to be a gracious guest and not be annoying and overstay your welcome. It seems like a nobrainer to me. Don't gobble peoples food and such. Clean up after self, and because your receiving help...pitch in and do a bit more. Dont be inconciderate and all should be fine.

    Second thought..I am so glad it was a mess.

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