Well well well, kicking the puppy was fun. For those of you unfamiliar with the term, it is bashing and bitching about the Org, which I was happy to do. Also with it I found an intense sense of a need to help, and to get involved. Involved in “saving” my brother, which I still hope to do, as well as get involved making the forum(s) better.
Now I feel some things that are new. I am beginning to feel at peace with myself and what I came from, as well as where I am going. Maybe all of the sudden the saying that has come to mind so often before is even clearer now. “None of us are as great as all of us”. Even those who claim to be strong and independent and need nothing or no one (yes on these very forums) daily affirm the fact they DO need these places. Even if for the purpose of helping others, there is a need served by these places every time we view them.
Take the “board wars”, of all the fights to have, people choose to have one amongst kindred spirits. At first I was frustrated and couldn’t understand how people with so much in common could have such bitterness between them over things that really don’t mean squat in real life. Then it hit me…another saying.
“I never stole from somebody I didn’t like”
I’m not sure where I heard it (I think Young Guns). Admit it or not, we fight the most with those closest to us. Maybe that is the case even here. In this group of broken people we fit in, and we fit in more completely than many of us will admit. We are more comfortable here, more at ease, and know what to say to each other to get the desired response. If we want to fight, we know exactly what to say to get the desired result, whatever it may be.
I have to believe that at one time or another we all realize there are many people lurking here, wherever this is posted, and perhaps there are some who are just looking around for the first time and see us in the middle of a tiff, and think “the Society was right about those people”, but at the same time, now I think maybe they would see more than that, maybe there would be something in the way we communicate that we don’t even understand which will keep them around. I hope that is the case.
Alongside this however, is the realization that I know nothing. As I learn more and see more and cram my foot in my mouth over and over again, the realization hits me; I have no power or ability on my own to touch a person’s heart, or help them find anything they cannot find on their own or from someone else. Maybe it was disillusionment on my part; perhaps it was simply one of the last things I needed to get rid of, the need to “save” someone.
Then I look around at my life, it is a myriad of undone things, memories to be created for my children, a career to be built for me, a dream home in the mountains that I want to live in and share with someone, and new friends to meet and enjoy. Why am I typing this, hell I don’t know. Like I said, for some reason it just seems right to say. Maybe it’s to say thanks for giving me a new future, for letting me learn from your mistakes and successes. Maybe it’s to let others know what this feels like so they can relate even to this part of recovery.
In any case, thank you all.