Not DA'd, Not DF'd - but pretty much Disowned...

by Ingenuous 44 Replies latest jw experiences

  • imfreeimfree

    Hi Ingenuous!

    My heart goes out to you. How sad that you are facing such heart wrenching situation. You feel as you say: “…pretty much disowned”, by your relatives, however you are neither forsaken nor abandoned by God, nor by our Lord Jesus; also most, if not all of us here on this forum feel for you and are keen to support you.

    To assist on your new journey, keep in mind as “Gill” described: “… in the end the only way to get over it is to feel sorry for them. They're totally lost and afraid and they will NOT be helped.” Pray for them, you just never know one day their eyes may be opened. You can help them by assuring them that you love them and that you have not apostatized from God or the Bible.

    Remember the elders have no power over you, if you do not let them. If you DF yourself, to my way of thinking, you are empowering them to take action against you. It does not matter what option they take, ultimately they will have to answer to God, but your responsibility is not to men, but our Creator. After 60 years in the WT system, we decided to keep a low profile when exiting this organization; it is working well for us, though each circumstance is different. If possible, by keeping the lines of communication open with our loved ones, we some day hope to assist them escape the clutches of spiritual captivity.

    God bless. Best wishes.


  • out of the box
    out of the box


    You have ONE GREAT thing going for you, well actually TWO! You KNOW WHY you will be DAd! Most of us were DAd or shunned and didn't know why! Some because they were sick and couldn't come to the meetings, or had to pay bills take care of family, etc. At least you KNOW WHY this is happening to you! And the 2nd is YOU JUST SURPASSED YOUR PARENTS WITH YOUR WISDOM! They hate that! When I passed mine, they hated it and fought like hell, and it had nothing to do with the JWs. So, this is the right of passage anyway for any independent thinker! What did they say about how Jesus was accepted in his own home town? 'Savior of whattttt?' Anyone who thinks differently than his/her parents in ANY household will have to butt heads eventually! YOU are BLESSED with having your own place! That is awesome!

    AND IT IS FOR EXAMINING YOUR LIFE! How WONDERFUL! You are saving your soul and finding your way in life! Hooray for you! I read your post and thought it was wonderful. I read in every word how strong of an individual you are and how much love you have for LIFE! Just put down the sword, get some rest, eat some food, and do nothing. Let it all calm down. Avoid the phone if you have to. I shut off my ringer, and check messages during the day, that way I can rest when I NEED IT, not just when there is a 'lull' in the noise.

    out of the box

  • Quotes

    Discussing the bible with non-JWs is not allowed?

    I guess that means an end to the Door-to-door and bible study arrangement! Thanks Dad!

    Seriously Ing, I hope you are doing well. This is an emotionally difficult time; especially so when, as you can plainly see, it is all so unnecessary.


  • JustTickledPink

    If I could take it back I would try to avoid being DF'd.

    The thing is, you can lie because honestly IT'S YOUR PERSONAL BUSINESS.

    It would be like walking into a pharmacy and the man behind the counter asking you if you have sex with people aren't married to before he fills your prescription. That is none of his business. Or if your dentist asked you the last time you went in service, it's totally irrelevant.

    If you can look at the elders as having no authority over you, then their questions become irrelevant. If you actually get called into a JC meeting, do they have 2 witnesses that say you have committed some sin???? If not, then you have nothing to aswer to.

    I would suggest limiting your conversations with your parents to topics of the weather. I've argued my points with my mother for years and it does no good. The only times we get into the whole religion subject now, my ears just go numb and I pretend she's talking a foreign language. It's not worth it to me.

  • peacebaby

    I'm so sorry for all who have gone through this nonsense - and it really doesn't make any logical sense at all.

    I'm VERY fortunate to have never had family in the org. Losing my friends was bad enough - having them think I am now being led by Satan is horrible, but we will all survive, not on our own strength, though.

    I had talked to the PO and CO about my 'problems'(they called it) with shunning, the UN/NGO and Silent Lambs... all lies! ... and evidently they were just going to let me 'fade' while I wait on Jah for answers(which truthful answers He has already given us btw). And they made sure that I'd not talked to anyone in the cong. about my 'problems', which I hadn't at that point. They said some things, verbatim, that your dad repeated - it's the inculcation of the WT - and they have it memorized. It's in their heads, but hopefully it's not etched in their hearts - there IS hope. I hope.

    The words of your father echoed the same words my best 'friend' - laid on me after I told her I just can't attend the meetings with her... I haven't been there for 4 years, but all of a sudden she wanted to 'save' me. I was not cautious with the things I said, as I knew she and I shared an unconditional love and friendship... I should've gotten the hint when, in our conversations I mentioned 'the spirit of Christ' and she looked instantly smug and haughtily proclaimed - "That's not in MY Bible!, like she'd just defended herself against Satan... yes, I ASS-U-MEd way too much. "Thank you very much for ruining our friendship! I can't even be around you anymore because you don't even worship the same God as I do." Now I am 'not of the same sort'... Jehovah is only found within the walls of your nearest KH ya know... What a narrow view and mind-set. And I subscribed to it for too long...

    The day after my 'friend' screamed at me how disgustingly demonized I was - she called. I first thought - oh, wow, she's re-thunk it... Well, she'd been thinking alright - that I should contact the PO, "it's only fair", and let him know that I no longer wish to be called a Jehovah's Witness. How nice of her to worry so and take on my conscience as her own - how loving. It really upset me for several days - another fly in the ointment, as I was sure she was going to 'tell'. But that was a month ago and I haven't heard another word. I felt like I was being forced to write 'the letter', but now I'm calmer and think - let them throw me out of the synagogue if that's what they wish, I won't bow to their 'theocratic' crap any longer. If I am df'd they'll have to do it 'in absentia' - without me. There will be no letter for their files to prove how righteous they were in ousting me. And I would love to threaten them with a lawsuit for slander if I hear I'm an apostate... but oh, well... whatever..

    Someone had some very good advice - forgive them all and pray for them because they are blinded and don't see what they're doing. Forgive and forget is much easier for me than you, dear sis. It's your parents - it will be very very hard to find yourself separated from them, from their love and support. My heart goes out to you - it's the saddest scenario I can imagine. But... the light at the end of the tunnel is Christ. Stay close to Him and our Father, immerse yourself in the Word - take in all the love they have ASSURED you of, as a child of God. Your comfort will come from above, as you well know, and every tear will be wiped away, as every cry is heard.

    Who knows - maybe it's God's plan that their ears and eyes will be opened to 'the big picture' - and you may have a starring role in that plan. Pray, dear one, and don't let your own heart be hardened by anyone's callous attitude. It's possible that, like us, their attitude will be changing for the better because some little thing you said really sunk in and got them thinking. With God all things are possible, and through Christ, all God's promises are "Yes!"

    My very best wishes to you, Ingenuous. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

    Peace and love... Peacebaby

  • Ingenuous

    My heartfelt thanks to everyone who's posted so far. It means so much to know others will take the time to post in response to me and your words mean the world - even if it's only a line or two. I'm grateful to those who've shared their stories and perspectives. Having left the Org, I'm more open and able to learn from others' opinions and appreciate their perspectives. Knowing that others have heard the same words and "reasoning" that's been thrown at me reassures me that I'm not being selfish, insane, or inane.

    out of the box - It's amazing, I do feel like I'm saving my soul. I feel like a person, and individual. There's an underlying satisfaction that I am a good person and enough, something I haven't felt since I was maybe 4 years old.

    peacebaby - Thank you for your testimony to your faith. I agree wholeheartedly. I am finding a greater understanding of Jesus' words in my experiences, including this promise to reward a hundredfold those who've lost "father and mother" in following him. My studies of the Bible feel like I'm reading an amazing book for the first time.

    I've never stopped praying for my parents and the rest of my family. Now that I'm out, though, I don't pray that God make them think like I do or do what I want. I pray for their welfare, that God see the good in their hearts and reward them for it, that He draw them ever closer to him in the ways He sees fit. I hope that one day they will allow me to show my love and respect for them by allowing me to support them in whatever way they need. While I've got a degree of anger toward the Org and even my folks for what they've concluded about me in their hearts, I know I was just as assimilated as they are. I'm disillusioned, but not bitter. I'm too grateful for finding myself, freeing my mind, and drawing closer to God to be bitter.

  • Jankyn

    Dear Ingenuous,

    Like everyone else here, I just want to send support and affection your way. The road you're on is a rough one, but it's the path to peace of mind. The cognitive dissonance caused by forcing oneself to believe the society's obvious lies and distortions creates a mental and spiritual illness that your parents (and mine) suffer from--at least we've been able to recover (or begin recovery).

    I have found some peace in knowing that my parents have not rejected me because they want to hurt me, but because they are in fact mentally and spiritually sick. I pray for their recovery as well.

    Love to you, and best wishes on your journey.


  • Sassy

    I'm sorry you are going through so much Ingenuous. I'm not dfd or da'd and my mother has nothing to do with me... because she feels I should be dfd (I live with my bf). its been very hard.

    I am sure she would turn me in for apostasy if she knew I no longer belived... I just live far enough away, that I could avoid telling her..

    I did admit I no longer go to the meetings through... she thinks i am taking a break.. aliet a long one.

    Hang in there.. and keep leaning on us if you need it. We're all here for each other.

  • Doubtfully Yours
    Doubtfully Yours

    I'm truly sorry your folks have decided to shun you. It'll be painful for them and for you too. Hang in there.

    I wish you well.


  • poppers

    Sorry you're going through all of this Ingenuous.

    "He accused me of throwing away everything I had learned,"

    If you are drowning, better to let go of that which would pull you further underwater. BTW, I really like your avatar.

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