Man, I didn’t realize how hard this alone thing is. It’s not that I have to be or have nowhere to go, but since making a goal of staying alone (i.e. no serious exclusive relationships) for at least a year, it’s been a PITA. Most days are pretty good, but some aren’t I have notices a few things that make it harder…they are
Alcohol – bad bad bad bad, especially alone. Can’t do it. Depression sets in really quickly and its woe is me.
The aftershock from social activity – I love people, and about once per weekend end up hangin out with people I could call friends, but it’s usually guys since I cut off all of my female friends for the sake of my last serious relationship. I’m making new ones…but I don’t go out enough in real life to fix that here, plus I’m trying to stay isolated until I’m comfortable alone. Too risky taking the chance of meeting someone I like to be around exclusively. But afterwards I feel like something is missing…and it brings on desperation.
Fatigue – If I don’t get enough sleep, I think it may be chemical but depression sets in along with a fear of being alone forever…have to remind myself…it’s going to be ok.
Finances – when my finances are low, usually when I just paid a ton of bills and I see what’s left I feel desperate and angry because I feel there has not been enough progress…and inevitably it rolls back to how in the hell will I one day get someone interested in forever after if I’m not financially stable.
Memories – seeing something or someone or going to a place that has memories of being there with someone else triggers all kinds of stuff. Lately I’ve been making myself go to those places anyway to face the fear, it helps…but again there are good days and bad days.
What helps…the best things are…
Exercise – great for taking out angst…plus to be honest it feels good to see the other people that are so much worse off than me. Sad, but it’s the truth.
Going out - I love going out with guys, or just sitting at a bar sometimes because if these are the people I’m competing against one day on the dating scene…I’ll have my pick when the time is right.
Talking on the phone to friends – nothing else has this big of a positive impact, I owe them a lot.
Making myself remember why – remembering being lied to and controlled and mentally abused. This makes me angry and reminds me that no way in hell am I going to let someone else take advantage of me like that again, and also reminds me why I am doing this.
Going going going – making plans to meet people I never met, go places I’ve never been, and do things totally new to me. Every one of them feel like a victory once fulfilled.
Girlfriends – not sex partners…friends. I feel ten times more comfortable around women friends than men friends. Probably because of how I was raised, but it’s true. Not to mention they have a mental depth that 99% of the male population is afraid to address in themselves, so I prefer not to waste my time with trying to have intelligent conversation. Guy friends are for bowling or drinking beer or doing something involving metal.
Ok, enough of this…time to go rent a movie!