by Been there 13 Replies latest social relationships

  • Been there
    Been there

    Hi all, I am coming here to seek some help sorting out my feelings, emotions and try to put the million thoughts in my head into some sort of order. I already did a lot of the grieving 5 years ago when I suspected so it is not as painful now that I know for sure, facts are usually not as good as what the wife with many lonely hours can dream up in her imagination.

    This may get long, sorry.

    I found out for sure a couple days ago that my husband of 25 years was unfaithful to me. It didn't just happen, it was in 2000. I as a woman knew in my heart it had. God gave woman an extra little micro chip that goes off in their gut when things like this happen. He was behaving odd. He worked for a company that made them travel. He would live out of town for months at a time in his own apartment, so in essence he was living the single life coming home on weekends, maybe 2 or 3 weekends out. He did that for almost 3 years. It's was a very very lonely depressing time in my life because I was not single but I wasn't married either, I was in limbo at home working and taking care of the house.

    I started to get suspicious at the 2nd place he was at but being sometimes being as far as 500 miles away of course I could never catch him in anything but he left a long trail of odd behavior and weird coincidences. This girl was 26 he was 45 (mid-life crisis???), she was a co-worker he was a supervisor (not hers but can you say sexual harassment) she dressed in a way that was teasing/pleasing to his eyes. He is a boob man. The warehouse rules were very lacks, they drank a lot there after work and partied. One party got out of hand, they were drunk, sexual tension was already high, she made the first move and the deed got done, with the ice broke, the deed got done again for a second time a couple weeks later after another warehouse party they went to his place. That was it (I believe him), two counts of liquid courage sex and his guilt got the best of him or curicosity was no longer a factor, I don't know. I knew the one weekend he came home he was different. I didn't know who, I didn't know what but I knew. He couldn't bring himself to have sex with her anymore, he was afraid he would get caught so they backed it off to where he felt comfortable guilt wise. When she needed money or he wanted a peek, he would put money down her shirt. He got visual pleasure she got money - prostitution???? He kissed them once for $40. This was all done at work.

    He left there and was sent to New York to start a job up, he was suppose to be there 5 weeks that turned into 6 months of a living hell for both of us. Three weeks into it she was transfered up there to be a secretary, he snuck her and her things up there and didn't tell me because I was so suspicious anyway, it would have really made me mad. I did find out the same day. I was very very mad. He had decieved me tried to get one over on me. He is married!!! I didn't know but he knew he had done the deed months earlier but he had to keep covering his a$$ with lies.

    He finally moved home, things settled down. Seven months later I found an email he had sent her the day after our 21st wedding anniversary. (he was not to have any contact with her) Saying how he missed her, thought of her often (yah I bet) would like to see her again and give her a big hug signed it "I still love you, (his name). Then right after sent another to let her know she could still email him at his old email address. He had quit the company but still had an active email address there. I was livid. From that day on he had broke my trust, now I had real proof of something but what? I was on a mission to get to the truth.

    Off and on for 4 years I have tried to get to get him to come clean. Hundreds of questions, hundreds of denials, hundreds of lies. I was not going to get what I needed to know out of him. I could not move on with all the doubts, I could not stay in limbo anymore. If he did, I wanted to know, if he didn't I wanted to stop punishing him. Polygraph. He took the lie to two days ago when he confessed to the polygraph guy and I had to pay $350 to have some stranger tell me my husband cheated. He didn't even have the test done because he did confess, he wanted the test to see if he could pass but the guy didn't need to.

    Funny as it sounds, I saw my husband grow up that day. He has been completely honest with me now about all my re asked hundreds of questions and details over the weekend. A huge weight has been lifted from our marriage and we can start to heal what ever direction it will go. He said he was prepared to take the secret to his death and he prayed regularly to die before I could find out. Little did he know I prayed to the same God to let me get the truth. I win!!!!! just kidding. We will get counciling to work this out one way or the other. I didn't kick him out because I didn't want him off the hook so easily, he needed to share in the pain he had caused. I grieve the lose of the miserable marriage I once had. I feel he will be an active part of the new marriage if we so choose to continue with a clean slate. He said he could never tell me because he knew our marriage would be over and I would kick out. He never wanted her for anything but selfish gratification. He killed our marriage 5 years ago when he crossed the line he just didn't let me bury it till Saturday.

    I think I can be over the sexual acts since it is long over and I have never suspected him since. Knowing the facts now it maybe hard to get the pictures out of my head for a while but now I have a place to start letting go from. I am angry that he didn't let me play by the same new rules he was playing by. I wouldn't have but he didn't give me the option because HE didn't want to lose me (doesn't matter if I already lost him).

    Questions: When did the affair really end? Five years ago or Saturday?? When the sex stopped or when the lies and cover up stopped.?

    Is there browny points for coming clean finally or does the fact he still would have continued to deceive and lie if it wasn't for the lie detector test.

    Can you separate the physical cheating and the lies and deception after or are they one and the same? He had to keep lieing to hide what he had done. Am I married to a liar (I know he lied) or someone that had something to hide? If I was clueless that would have been different but he was confronted with many things several times. Was the sex the bad thing or 5 years of lieing to my face? Where is the real betrayal?

    Who is this man?

    Thank you so much for getting this far if you did.

  • wanderlustguy

    I was that guy at one point in my life. I'm not proud of it, but I do open up and say so here because I hope it helps someone else avoid the pain I caused and experienced...

    My ex and I because friends again afterwards, but that's all it can be. If he could do it once to your relationship, he will most likely do it again, because it doesn't mean to him what you thought it did. Especially if he was a dub. If you do the hard thing, cut it off, it will be so very hard, because he will feel abandoned and make you feel like you are doing him wrong, but if you decide this is right for you, you have to be strong, because it will save him as well as you. If you enable him, allow him to have you, you will become a "safety net" as he continues to look for whatever he is missing. Then he will most likely not figure out the problem isn't you, or the woman/women he's with, but himself. It's not something you can tell him, and may be something he'll never figure out on his own. I had an extremely intelligent person help me with this, and looking back now, what I have said is what I see in my actions. There has to be major loss for him to really look at himself, and you can now do that for him, it may be the most precious gift you can give, even though it will doubtless be the hardest.

    You will never kow everything, and you don't really want to. All I can say is it's not your fault, it takes two. I've seen this happen outside of my own experience as well, and I don't want to say something hurtful, but you really can't ever know the whole truth, there is no way. The doubt you feel will likely never go away, because you don't really know what caused it in the first place, so how can you know it's not an issue any more.

    The big question is whether or not he was a dub before. It has a large impact nad would change some of what I would tell you from here.

    For what it's worth...I'm certain he feels guilt and has a really hard time looking at himself in the mirror, but if you enable this, he'll do it again without even intending to.

    I'm so sorry. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.


  • Been there
    Been there


    He was never a witness. I was raised a witness.

    You are right, I will never know for sure but he had never acted like that before and hasn't since. He no longer is away from home.

    I saw something change in him this weekend. Like I said I watched him grow up, for many many unhappy years I felt like I was married to a 16-20 year old. I don't know if it is just that his concience is clear now (no thanks to him) but he finally took full responsibility for what he did. He wants to remain married to me and will do what ever it takes. I was free 5 years ago.........I just didn't know it. If after some counciling I choose to stay, I will be on my terms. I didn't kick him out, Why? The only thing different from Friday to Saturday was the truth...He went in a liar and came out an honest man. One is much better then the other so now we move forward, where? I don't know for sure but atleast we are moving. I will have alot of trust issues to work thru but will it be for the cheater or the the man that looked me in the eye for 5 years and told lie after lie to save his butt so he wouldn't hurt me? or both?

  • tijkmo

    yes been there....i've been there too....and like wlg i was the infidel..and like he said there is more to these situations than is readily apparant

    the fact that he did not tell you for 5 years does not in itself mean that he was trying to cover it up..he could well be endeavouring to not cause you the pain of knowing

    and he might have been being bribed either literally or emotionally by the girl if he had told her that he didnt want to hurt you or leave you

    the real deciding thing hear is not what has gone on in the past..whether it ended 5 years or 2 days ago..whether he fessed up cos he was found out or for some other reason..whether it was love or lust..drunk or sober.....the real issue here is..

    what will you do about it now...

    you either forgive him..or you dont

    you believe him about the past...or you dont

    you believe him now...or you dont

    but make a decision..not today perhaps..but soon..there is no benefit in keep postponing that..because each day that goes by without one or both parties making an effort to repair things is another day of damage..until it becomes irrepairable

    and then stick by your decision..and make the nessercary arrangements with dignity

    there is no dignity from making him pay

    there is no dignity in constantly reminding him of his indiscretion..either blantantly or by subtle digs

    there is no dignity in you adopting the attitude that your age and chances of another relationship are sufficiently limited as to influence your decision to stay in a relationship that you are not commited to anymore

    so you make your decision and hold your head up with it..dont let others determine how you should behave...forgive him and be proud that you did....or let him go and in a dignified way rebuild your life without him

    just my 2p...ok 3p

  • Sassy

    well, you knew in your gut he did, but stuck with him any way.. so what does your heart want to do?

    when trust is broken, it isn't easily repaired, but for SOME it is possible. I know I have some trust issues with my bf of two yrs and the chances we will be breaking up are very high.. because I can't seem to get to where I see enough changes to rebuilt the trust. If I can never get past that, we'll never have a secure relationship.

    In my first marriage, I found out my husband (who was a dub at the time was cheating) and I left him.

  • Thegoodgirl

    Well put Tijkmo.

    Been there: I feel for you, I am so sorry you were so lonely and he did that and covered it up. I'm sure you are so angry. I have advice, but I'm not you, I'm not in your situation and don't know him or really you. I just hope you aren't hurt again. Like Tij said, you don't want to continue damaging the relationship by thinknig you trust him, but really don't. I can't imagine what you're going through. Good luck, I'll be thinking of you. Keep us updated.

    I personally would leave my husband if I had that much proof, or if he confessed. He may be a new man on Saturday, but things may slip back to the way they were. Or he may feel uncomfortable now that the power has flipped, and he basically is begging forgiveness. That may wear on him after a while, and he may change for the worse. But that's just my advice, I'm not you. (I did have a similar scare a few months ago while my husband was out of town, but I really have no proof or confession, just a fishy situation. I beleive him that nothing happened, but it has really damaged our three year old marriage. I just cannot trust him like I used to, and he knows it. I can't help but ask a thousand questions when he goes out without me. It's horrible. I can't imagine if he really confessed or I beleived that he really did it for sure.) Again my thoughts are with you.

  • Been there
    Been there

    Thanks everyone for your replies.

    Things don't seem so easy and clean cut to me since it did happen so long ago the sex 5 years ago does not seem to be the big issue for me. It is the constant lieing he did since to cover it up. That was long term and incidious. So long of trying to make me the crazy one, that was cruel to do to someone you say you love. With friends like that who needs enemies.

    He seems really energetic about changing himself. He is taking control of getting counciling set up etc. since I said he created the mess, now he can put forth the effort to fix it, I will follow. Even if I don't stay, I am hoping he will be better for himself.

    Sassy, don't waste too much time if you don't think it will work. It's not good to look back thinking you wasted so much time on wishful thinking.

    Thegoodgirl. I remember your story. yep sounded fishy to me too. Keep up on that, it is amazing what they can do. So true about the power flipping. It could just be the honeymoon stage. Kinda like a little kid that has a clean conscience, light and airy. On a high. We shall see.

  • codeblue

    (((Been There)))

    I am so sorry you are going thru this....and remember: It isn't your fault!!!

    I was married to a JW who did this to me for 20 years...........he was also good at lying......It started just before our 2nd anniversary.

    I had extreem low self esteem and "put up with it"...but I can honestly say that after the first cheating there was "no trust".....

    We divorced 2 weeks before our 20th anniversary..........

    Now I am married to a man who understands the concept of "fidelity" and not lying............What a refreshing difference for me!!!

    I hope the best for you, whatever your decision! (pm me is you want to chat some more)


  • Been there
    Been there

    Thanks all, I got to get to sleep but he is acting weird. I have never seen this man in my living room. He talked more tonight then he has in 20 years. Think of the story about Scrooge waking up on christmas morning. If I didn't know better I'd say he was high. Ok now I'm confused.

  • G Money
    G Money

    I'm so, so sorry. All the best for you, whatever you decide to do.

    Peace and love and a warm hug!

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