Hi all, I am coming here to seek some help sorting out my feelings, emotions and try to put the million thoughts in my head into some sort of order. I already did a lot of the grieving 5 years ago when I suspected so it is not as painful now that I know for sure, facts are usually not as good as what the wife with many lonely hours can dream up in her imagination.
This may get long, sorry.
I found out for sure a couple days ago that my husband of 25 years was unfaithful to me. It didn't just happen, it was in 2000. I as a woman knew in my heart it had. God gave woman an extra little micro chip that goes off in their gut when things like this happen. He was behaving odd. He worked for a company that made them travel. He would live out of town for months at a time in his own apartment, so in essence he was living the single life coming home on weekends, maybe 2 or 3 weekends out. He did that for almost 3 years. It's was a very very lonely depressing time in my life because I was not single but I wasn't married either, I was in limbo at home working and taking care of the house.
I started to get suspicious at the 2nd place he was at but being sometimes being as far as 500 miles away of course I could never catch him in anything but he left a long trail of odd behavior and weird coincidences. This girl was 26 he was 45 (mid-life crisis???), she was a co-worker he was a supervisor (not hers but can you say sexual harassment) she dressed in a way that was teasing/pleasing to his eyes. He is a boob man. The warehouse rules were very lacks, they drank a lot there after work and partied. One party got out of hand, they were drunk, sexual tension was already high, she made the first move and the deed got done, with the ice broke, the deed got done again for a second time a couple weeks later after another warehouse party they went to his place. That was it (I believe him), two counts of liquid courage sex and his guilt got the best of him or curicosity was no longer a factor, I don't know. I knew the one weekend he came home he was different. I didn't know who, I didn't know what but I knew. He couldn't bring himself to have sex with her anymore, he was afraid he would get caught so they backed it off to where he felt comfortable guilt wise. When she needed money or he wanted a peek, he would put money down her shirt. He got visual pleasure she got money - prostitution???? He kissed them once for $40. This was all done at work.
He left there and was sent to New York to start a job up, he was suppose to be there 5 weeks that turned into 6 months of a living hell for both of us. Three weeks into it she was transfered up there to be a secretary, he snuck her and her things up there and didn't tell me because I was so suspicious anyway, it would have really made me mad. I did find out the same day. I was very very mad. He had decieved me tried to get one over on me. He is married!!! I didn't know but he knew he had done the deed months earlier but he had to keep covering his a$$ with lies.
He finally moved home, things settled down. Seven months later I found an email he had sent her the day after our 21st wedding anniversary. (he was not to have any contact with her) Saying how he missed her, thought of her often (yah I bet) would like to see her again and give her a big hug signed it "I still love you, (his name). Then right after sent another to let her know she could still email him at his old email address. He had quit the company but still had an active email address there. I was livid. From that day on he had broke my trust, now I had real proof of something but what? I was on a mission to get to the truth.
Off and on for 4 years I have tried to get to get him to come clean. Hundreds of questions, hundreds of denials, hundreds of lies. I was not going to get what I needed to know out of him. I could not move on with all the doubts, I could not stay in limbo anymore. If he did, I wanted to know, if he didn't I wanted to stop punishing him. Polygraph. He took the lie to two days ago when he confessed to the polygraph guy and I had to pay $350 to have some stranger tell me my husband cheated. He didn't even have the test done because he did confess, he wanted the test to see if he could pass but the guy didn't need to.
Funny as it sounds, I saw my husband grow up that day. He has been completely honest with me now about all my re asked hundreds of questions and details over the weekend. A huge weight has been lifted from our marriage and we can start to heal what ever direction it will go. He said he was prepared to take the secret to his death and he prayed regularly to die before I could find out. Little did he know I prayed to the same God to let me get the truth. I win!!!!! just kidding. We will get counciling to work this out one way or the other. I didn't kick him out because I didn't want him off the hook so easily, he needed to share in the pain he had caused. I grieve the lose of the miserable marriage I once had. I feel he will be an active part of the new marriage if we so choose to continue with a clean slate. He said he could never tell me because he knew our marriage would be over and I would kick out. He never wanted her for anything but selfish gratification. He killed our marriage 5 years ago when he crossed the line he just didn't let me bury it till Saturday.
I think I can be over the sexual acts since it is long over and I have never suspected him since. Knowing the facts now it maybe hard to get the pictures out of my head for a while but now I have a place to start letting go from. I am angry that he didn't let me play by the same new rules he was playing by. I wouldn't have but he didn't give me the option because HE didn't want to lose me (doesn't matter if I already lost him).
Questions: When did the affair really end? Five years ago or Saturday?? When the sex stopped or when the lies and cover up stopped.?
Is there browny points for coming clean finally or does the fact he still would have continued to deceive and lie if it wasn't for the lie detector test.
Can you separate the physical cheating and the lies and deception after or are they one and the same? He had to keep lieing to hide what he had done. Am I married to a liar (I know he lied) or someone that had something to hide? If I was clueless that would have been different but he was confronted with many things several times. Was the sex the bad thing or 5 years of lieing to my face? Where is the real betrayal?
Who is this man?
Thank you so much for getting this far if you did.