God is beer...Beer is God...
So... where does the "holy spirit" fit in?
Create A Religion
by joelbear 13 Replies latest jw friends
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ballistic
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Quentin
Beer is in and of it's self the true spirit...therefore it is holy...do not be decivied by the false spirit of the whiskies...send money...and shout GLORY!! to the BEER...
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PopeOfEruke
my religion is all about the worship of His Bobness - members of this religion are called Bobcats.
Bobcats will religiously spend thousands of dollars travelling to Bob concerts all over the world. One of the major tenets is to give a hard time to any opening act, then scream hysterically as the announcement occurs and His Bobness appears.
The first appearance of the harmonica is another holy act which must be accompanied by hysteria.
Whenever a Bobsong play on the radio, the Bobcat must immediately stop all activity and whoot and holler, and then listen to the song in a rapture.
Infidels who respond with the sacriligious response "Bob who?" must have some sort of violence perpetrated upon their person, as punishment for their ignorance.
The holy words "How does it Feee-eee-eeel? must be repeated over and over again at least 10 times a day. Other most holy words like "There must be some kinda way outta here" and "I see my light come shinin'" and "Mama take this badge offa me" are also to be repeated mantra-like many times a week. In anyt case we don't need no stinkin' badges.
Extra points towards entry to heaven are given to spotting Bob references in movies and other songs. The holy website www.expectingrain.com must be the first website checked each day, even before JWD.
I love my religion!!!
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Evanescence
lol! out of bordem I made a cult! its sort of a cross between Catholic and Jehovah's witnesses.
Its called the Craxy-bitey-Christian Cult.
My stupid theory!
Well before I yap on about nothing I would like to remind readers that I am absolutely hopeless at interpretating the bible and this is just some silly theory I made up! Now as you read this you will learn on what goes on in the mind of a 15 year old when trying to translate the meaning of the bible! So do not take this seriously or start to believe in this interpretation. Well here it goes….
GOD IS GONNA EAT US ALL!!!!!!!
Now your first reaction to that I bet would be WTF!!!!!!
Well let me explain my scary and quite disturbing interpretation of the bible and what put that idea in my mind!
Well I’ll start off with this first point
-God is perfect.
So that would only mean that he can only eat things that are perfect.
Look at Hebrews chapter twelve for starters.
The Chastise is the cooking pots my friends! He is purifying us so one day we will meet him face to face and god mentioned several times in the bible that there will be a great ‘feast’ in heaven
As I said earlier god is perfect and he tries to purify us, god is perfect so he must only eat ‘perfect’ food otherwise he is inserting something impure inside himself.
So this loving discipline from the lord is just added oil or butter to the fry pan to make us ‘good’ enough to eat!
Secondly why is Jesus always referring the good flock to food?
We think its just a parable explaining the wheat are the good and the weeds are the bad people, well I’ve discovered a double meaning.
Yes true the good people are the wheat and Jesus also mentioned in the parable that the wheat with be taken to the barn while the weeds get burned doesn’t this whole hell fire thing sounds a bit fishy to you?
I’ll tell you what this ‘hell fire’ is really a BBQ! Yep that’s what it is! A BBQ!
So on judgment day god will sought out his food and his firewood
The wheat will be part of god’s meal!
Also we have the seed story, the good seeds that grow in soil and the dodge seeds that fall on rock right?
Well what good is popcorn in seed form? Yucky! You’d rather ‘popped’ popcorn wouldn’t ya? See god has placed serving suggestions in the bible!
Now why is it that god doesn’t want us to worry much and to give our burdens on to him?
Well we all know with chickens that sense fear end up tensing their muscles god wants us to be all soft, nice and tender not all tensed!
Remember the righteous bare ‘fruit’ for god and if we were to stop bearing fruit god would shake us and demand more fruit!
Now you ask why would god eat us? He loves us!
Well my friend you have proven my point god loves us! Just like we love chocolate. Every time god says he loves us in the bible how do we know if he didn’t mean it in a way that we look sweet and yummy to eat!
Another question that may come to mind about my theory is then why would god be sad if one was to go to hell?
Well my response is we all hate seeing good food go to waste don’t we? So would a perfect god!
Goats and sheep, wheat or weeds….
So what will you be? Gods fire wood or gods meal?
This Cult of mine originated from here http://www.jwforum.com/forum_posts.asp?TID=2873&PN=2&TPN=10
The head of the cult is called the "Watchbite"
Now you know how crazy my imagination can get when I'm bored lol! don't worry i can come up with much worse!
Evanescence