Relationship Question

Puternut

For those of you who have experience with this or may have solid imput;

In meeting new people for a possible meaningful relationship, how much is wise to reveal about our past experience with the borg?

When I came out of the borg, I was in a relationship with an ex-witness, and felt understood. Now that our ways have seperated after two years, I wish to move on with life and persue a meaningful relationship with someone again. But with all the 'new' concepts, beliefs, or theories at times things get triggered in me that remind me of the borg. Not knowing who or what god is or what his purpose is for me, I find myself often not having all the answers to the 'new' meaning of life. And I don't want to hang on to old beliefs systems. At the same time I don't want to leave an impression that I might be suffering from the effects of the borg.

I am open to new idea's and concepts, but sometimes I am unsure how to fit in with someone who has their own beliefs. Since I don't know what to believe at this time, I need to protect my heart. I don't judge anyone for what is dear to them, and hope they in return they will do the same. But at times these discussion come up, so how much religion, or politics is wise to discuss without sounding like a total nut-case?

I hope my question makes sense.

For those of you who have been succesful at this.... I am all ears.

Respectfully,

Puternut

daystar

I think you should warmly embrace the chaos you find yourself in and see where it leads you.

I find that it is really the ones who believe the dogma, any dogma, who are the nutcases. You will not sound like a nutcase as long as you maintain an open, but skeptical, mind.

rebel8

When you're first meeting someone, you put your best foot forward. That is not lying or being deceptive. It's simply normal not to barrage someone with difficult information until they're ready for it.

I see no reason to mention it in the beginning at all. A few months into it, at some point, it's going to come up in conversation. Like, "What was your favorite Christmas memory as a kid?" and you say, "Oh, well, I wish I had some memories like that, but my family didn't celebrate it." Full stop. Wait for the follow up question and answer it frankly but briefly.

Use this procedure repeatedly and eventually you will have told most of your story. This technique is kinda like the old Youth books and how to teach your kids about sex. Just answer their questions in a way they can understand, but don't overhwelm.

I've tried all 3 variations--don't ever tell, tell all in the beginning, and then the above middle of the road method. The middle of the road method resulted in me getting married recently, so I believe in it. I asked my husband how he would have reacted if I told him too much in the beginning, and he said he would have thought I "had issues" and probably would have been scared off.

BrendaCloutier

Hey, Puternut, sorry we missed when I was in your area!

I'm sorry you are in a place of moving on. Difficult even when it's a good thing.

I have never dated nor been involved with any ex-JWs since my leaving. I can understand the comfort zone thingy, though, as I dated a number of AA'ers when I was active in AA. I even married one. Comfort zone met.

Similar to being an alcohlic in recovery is being and exJW - in recovery. The worst of "it" eventually evens out, but there are still the issues that pop up at the most inopportune time.

For me, I just never really bothered telling anyone. If it came up, it came up.

With my year's involvement here at JWD I've become a bit more accepting of who I was, where I've been, and who I am today. Very similar with my involvement with AA and my AA recovery!

Kevan understands my need to be amoung exJWs and has developed an appreciation for the knowledge I've gained on the WTBTS as a cult. At one point he did say "why dont you just drop it and move on" but now he understands better.

For me, too, JWD is a big part of my outside contact as I am home all day with chronic illness. It fills my need to connect with people.

Good luck Puternut. At one level it's not as important as it seems. At another level, it is YOUR stuff and important to YOU.

Puternut

Thanks for the words of wisdom. I appreciate that I need to be general, rather than specific, and even careful at that. It was something that went through my head, since I do want to be honest and open. And I can also appreciate that these matters take time. I have been told before, I wear my heart on my sleeve. Transition time is in order.

Puternut

thom

I've usually had the topic come up once we get to the point of discussing our families (parents and all those other crazy people we're related to). I usually bring up that they are all JW's and I'm not because I left.
One girl I dated was scared off by this and we stopped dating after a bit. I can understand that, if it was going to be an issue, better to stop now.
I've only dated 3 women since my divorce (2 1/2 years ago) but the other two just took it that I'm a little unhappy with religion in general and it's not a problem.
The girl I'm dating now (for about 9 months) is Methodist. She knows I don't mind going to church with her now and then (she doesn't go much) and I support her in whatever she believes, and she knows that I need support in what I believe or don't believe. She's not pushy about it.
The point is she knows that my family is a bit of an issue, and my experience has caused me to have some issues with religion in general, but she knows I'll support her, and she also knows that I do not plan to just jump into another religion. I think the supporting eachother is what makes her comfortable with it. I never put down her beliefs and have made it politely clear that I won't jump into the Methodist Church if and when we're married just because she's Methodist.

G Money

I think you have an excellent question. This is extremely important for the faders that live in areas where they used to be active.

I brought it up to one girlfriend and she took it bad although she turned out to be psycho. Now I'm seeing somebody else and probably will shy away from PDAs when I see elders or others who may cause me difficulty. hopefully after a while it becomes no big deal.

It is hard to explain why a rational person was part of a cult and why there are the silly rules. I guess the easiest is being Df or DA as you don't really have to worry much. The ones who have it hardest are the faders who want to not be cut off or cause hardships for friends or family but who want to keep living their lives as they see fit.

PaulJ

Remember that it is behind you tho, when it comes up mention it, but dont ram it down their throats.

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