What would you do?

by schne_belly 19 Replies latest jw experiences

  • schne_belly

    Hello my dear fellow JWD members, I need your in put....please

    Since my husband I my recent fading process, we've received a few "Love bombing" letters from some in our old congregation.

    I've received 2 from an old "friend" whom I grew up with and went to school with. We've drifted apart years ago, to the point where she wouldn't even look at me at the hall---she's a pionner, husband a ministerial servant. So I was pretty surprised to even hear from her! I replied to the first letter stating we were very busy and everything was okay with us, but thanked her for her concern. She replied with another letter saying " it's been too long for us to JUST be busy" and offered to pick me up for a meeting ( gag). She also laid a guilt trip on me that my parents, who still go, aren't the same since we've left and she can see their hearts yearn for me to do "Jehovahs will" again ( double gag). Also, that I'm a good person and if I let Jehovah, he will help me do what is true in my heart ( how does she know he's not already helping me do that NOW?)

    I think she may be having feelings of guilt for not being a friend in the past. My husband believes that if we want to complete our fading process effectively we should cut most ties with those who are still active witnesses. I agree, and I'm not looking for her friendship. However am wondering if I should respond or not. I feel that she ,along with others who have written us, are just doing what they think is best...and I pretty much feel sorry for them. I also feel that if I were to just ignore this letter it would seem like I'm admitting I'm wrong and embarrassed for my actions. Which I'm not! I know that many say that we are bad "apostates" since leaving and I would like to prove them wrong and mess up their theory of those that "leave" Jehovah. Once she figures out we are serious about leaving and don't intend to come back, I won't hear from her again.... so would this just be a waste of my time? I know better than to tell her all the reasons for us deciding to leave but if DO respond, what should I say? I don't know why I have this feeling that I need to do something.....

    Thanks for your advice

  • JH

    She was nice to write to you, and you did the right thing to answer her. When I faded, no one sent me any letters. But that wouldn't have changed my point of view. I wanted to fade, and I didn't want any JW around me to influence me.

    I guess that there isn't just one way of dealing with this situation. What you tell her depends on what you want to do. Do you just want to stay inactive, or do you want to dissasociate yourself.

    If you just want to fade, I would avoid more contact.

  • blondie

    It's only a conditional "friendship" if you come back to the KH.

    We have limited contact with active JWs, mostly we just run into them exchange a few words, they tell us who died, who was df'd, all the good news.

    You don't have to prove anything to them. Even if you did, they would never acknowledge it publicly.

    You have the best friend ever, your husband. Other friends will come with time but not on the basis of having to go to the KH.

    We ignored our letters and finally sent them back unopened. It is hard to realize that those letters are spiritual abuse whether the person sending them realizes it or not.

    Love, Blondie

  • Honesty

    It is hard to realize that those letters are spiritual abuse whether the person sending them realizes it or not.

    Love, Blondie

    The abuse is so obvious now when I go back and read some of the 'encouragement' that I recieved when trying to fade. They really believe, in their twisted minds, that they are helping people who just want to be out 'n free.

  • Quentin
    We ignored our letters and finally sent them back unopened. It is hard to realize that those letters are spiritual abuse whether the person sending them realizes it or not.


    Hmmm...never thought of that...good point...

  • schne_belly

    I guess I'm just having a hard time "letting go" of my past and not be concerned with those old "friends". I've been taught to forgive and forget when people have wronged me and I think it's still sticking with me regarding the Jw's. When, as Blondie brought up, it's just conditional friendship. It helps to hear your in put and reiterate I don't need any of them in my life anymore.


  • trevor


    The encouragement will continue along with the thinly disguised blackmail in the hope that you will do what they want. They want you back because they care for you also because it will help them to convince themselves they have the truth. If you do not respond as planned the threats will follow - then comes the shunning.

    No one can advice you better than you youself because only you have all the facts. You must do what you feel is best for you.

  • dedpoet

    when i was first fading i had plenty of visits and phone calls to try and pull me back. they know that's the best time to appeal to your guilt at leaving dubdom, before you have time to realise how much better life on the outside really is. they used to tell me how much i'd let them down by leaving, and did i realise what i was missing out on? when that didn't work came the threats of shunning, then the actual shunning itself, apart from an occasional appeal from the po to see if i was ready to return yet,( now i'm d/a that will stop). you have all that to come, but keep strong, my friend, stay on the road to freedom, don't let the boys from brooklyn and their acolytes enslave you again .

  • ButtLight

    I think in their new rules, there is no real way to fade anymore. Sooner or later they will catch up with you and ask you if you want to be a jw anymore. Its a hard decision to make, cause if you reply and tell her why you dont go anymore, you know she will tell those lovely elders in our congregation and boom, your out. But maybe thats the best for you to. You have new friends already, Like Me!!!!!!!!!

  • chrissy

    Hi Schne,

    I don't know why I have this feeling that I need to do something.....

    I suspect it is because you are a genuine person and although you and she have drifted apart, it is likely you once cared deeply for her. It may have been a long time since you felt anything like that, but female bonds created in childhood are so strong that women often spend their entire lives unknowingly trying to recreate similar connections...though unsuccessfully, as even under normal circumstances, the matured ego will not allow the same dynamic (and for good reason). So on some level it is just natural for some feeling to remain.

    So, I have to assume this is part of the reason you want to clear the record with her on your leaving, to save her from her own misdirected "guilt" ...because honestly, I feel any other reason (to prove anything to anybody) is just a waste of your time and energy.

    I do suspect she feels guilty for the lose of the friendship but now believes it to be her spiritual duty to extend herself again. If she abandon the friendship when you were an active jw, with no good reason, her sincerity and motives are obvious to you. I can only advise to cut her off completely. Ignore the letters and force yourself to let go of the those thoughts of her misunderstanding you to be "admitting you are wrong and feeling embarrassed for your actions." As long as you are not feeling this way inside yourself, you admit nothing to no one and therefore have no reason to defend your actions.

    Congrats on your recent fade,


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