Wife of Jehovahs Witness

by Totally lost 20 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  Tina

  Hi Totally,
  My heart goes out to you. I have to concur with T4,Francoise! Your situation sounds very abusive. The fact that you're isolated is something abusers love as it tends to seal their power and control over one. Sounds like you have no real social support. I would suggest that you see a counselor ASAP. One that deals with marriage and family themes. If husband objects tell him you need to do this for YOU.You're sanity. And that a therapist is a 'neutral' person. They are going to see this from the outside,without all the religious junk going on. The relationship between you two.(tho the other factors will come into play) It would be ideal if your husband would go with you. But don't be surprised if he doesn't. The Witnesses have a history of distrust with the mental helath profession(usually cuz they call it like they see it,not like the delusional abusive world JW's think is a normal lifestyle).
  I wish you the best and strength in at this time. regards,Tina
• 

  Vitameatavegamin

  Totally Lost,

  I can understand how terribly uncomfortable your situation is, however, if your husband left his wife for you, (nothing against you!)
  he obviously has some problems of his own to begin with. If he is mentally abusive chances are he treated his first wife this way, not to mention he must have a wandering eye or something. I would ask myself if there is a chance he may pull the same thing on you as he did his first wife! Please do not be offended by my comments, this is not an attack on you, I just have seen situations like this and they usually fall apart. This guy could not have been to loyal to begin with!! Good luck and watch your back! Thanks.
• 

  Totally lost

  Thanks again everyone for your support. If you know anything about JW then you know that they don't believe in having sex before marriage. When I met my husband he was not happy in his marriage and was looking for a way out. He says that he got married because he more or less just wanted to have sex. But then he realized that he didnt love her. He said that they couldnt get along and he slept on the couch almost all the time. She said that he was mentally abusive to her to. And even his brother has told me that he was. When I got with him I thought for sure that he would forget about the religion, but I guess I was wrong. After living together for a while, I got preganant. His family and the elders told him to leave me and to make things right. So he left me and got a divorce. Then he came back and ask me to marry him. So I said yes. Then we came here and Ive been here ever since. Every since he got reinstated a few weeks ago, things have gotton harder for me to deal with. When he was disfellowshipped it was easier, because I did'nt really have to worry about being around them, but now he wants to hang out with them. I dont really know but i think i might have some signs of depression. I can't bring myself to get out of bed hardly anymore. And when I do get up, I don't want to do anything. And thats not like me, Im a clean freak. And here lately, I could care less if my house is clean. I feel sick all the time. I don't know if its in my head or maybe its my nerves. But I think I might be the next one to have a breakdown. I try to talk to my husband, but hes very hard to talk to. Hes so deffensive about his religion. And hes so headstrong. I feel like I can't talk to him about anything. I'm just so tired of pretending that everything is ok. Because its not. I've given up everything for him, And now I just found out that I might be losing my daughter to. She's 7 and her father lives in my hometown. She's been there visiting for the summer. She has always hated it here to. So she calls me and says that she does'nt want to come back here, that she wants to live with her father. And how can I say no to her. I can't make her live a life that I don't even want to be living right now. She has no family or friends here either. And shes really close to my parents. I love her very much and I don't want to lose her. But I don't know what to do. I have no job, no money, and nowhere to go. If I leave my husband I have nothing. So I'm lost.
• 

  myMichelle

  Hi TL, welcome to the board.

  I'm also a nonJW married to a JW...

  I don't really have much to offer, except that I agree with some of the posters above in that it sounds like some counselling is in order if you want to make the marriage work. I don't think that taking your husband out of the WTS is going to change the underlying problem.

  Also you said:

  I dont really know but i think i might have some signs of depression. I can't bring myself to get out of bed hardly anymore. And when I do get up, I don't want to do anything. And thats not like me, Im a clean freak. And here lately, I could care less if my house is clean. I feel sick all the time. I don't know if its in my head or maybe its my nerves.

  Now I don't even play a psychologist on TV, but from what I've read and from what I've experienced, yep, this is depression. I recommend that you get some help for this, esp. since you have a house full of kids and it will affect them.

  Good luck,
  Michelle
• 

  Andee

  Hi Totally Lost,

  Those last few sentences in that last post of yours nearly brought tears to my eyes because it reminded me so much of my own mothers situation over 20 years ago.

  You said that your daughter is close to your parents? Would they perhaps be willing to take you in temporarily while you try to put a life together for you and your children? Just a thought.

  From your description, you sound very depressed. Please seek help if you are able.

  I am going to go out on a limb on this but, it sure sounds like you can't cope with this situation much longer. I think you had better start planning (secretly of course) your escape. Dig where ever you have to to find the strength, but start doing it. If not for you, then for your children.

  Good luck to you!

  We care!

  Andee

  "head in the clouds with feet firmly planted on the ground"
• 

  SusanHere

  Hi, TL,

  I'm not JW, so I don't know all you are dealing with, but I have counseled many times with people in your situation. You are too depressed to have a rational viewpoint of your own situation. That is common. You are not unique in that.

  What you need most of all is time away from there, away from your marriage, your husband, his problems, etc., to be able to define for yourself what you need, what you value, what you want for yourself and for your family, your children, and even your husband. At the moment all you can see is that you are hurting, your children are hurting, and your attempts to appease your husband, to the extent that you can without totally compromising what you know to be right, are not working.

  It will continue to not work. It may be too late for counseling to help until you are away from the immediacy of the situation and in a safe environment. I second the opinion that you return to your parents ASAP. Today would not be soon enough. GO.

  Then seek counseling. No point in doing it there. He will not go with you. He will only be more threatened by you going to counseling.

  You have children. Do what you know is best for them. Before you lose them all.

  Good luck and God Bless.

  Susan
• 

  Kat_

  Hi Totally Lost:

  I haven't much to say about the whole JW/nonJW conflict because I was the JW in my marriage, and even then I wasn't really going to meetings or letting it affect my daily life. So I haven't been in your position--but I think that everyone else who posted gave you the best advice...I've noticed that the people here are extremely intelligent and supportive--they've been there, done that.
  All religion aside, I wanted to touch on the subject of you feeling depressed and also, along with others, offer support. I have been in a very similar situation and until recently felt totally, completely trapped in life. While I can't say I know what you are going through, I can tell you I have had the same exact sypmtoms/problems. I just wanted to let you know that YOU are the most important person in this conflict. Yes, we all know that naturally our kids are the priority, but don't you think the kids know that Mommy is miserable? They can sense it and would much rather see you happy. I am not telling you what to do--It's not my place to do anything but offer support. I just want to let you know that whatever you decide to do, whatever you think you should or shouldn't do; remember that, first and foremost, YOU take care of YOU. No decision will be 'wrong' as long as you feel it's what is best for you personally. If you feel you want someone to talk to (counselor, etc.), even if your husband doesn't want to go, then do it. You may find that just by really taking a good look at yourself, how much your happiness is really worth (I bet a lot more than you think!), you could have a lot of the answers. You are a wonderful woman for being willing to sacrifice so much. It can be a good thing...it shows selflessness and respect--but how much sacrifice? It should never cost you your self-respect and inner happiness. It's also a two way street. And maybe, just maybe, once your husband realizes that you've rediscovered your true spirit and have decided that you won't settle for anything less than what you deserve--he might gain a whole new perspective and his respect for you would increase ten-fold. I have since done this very thing and, while my marriage isn't perfect, I have a new outlook on life. I no longer feel trapped 'for the sake of the kids'. I am no longer thinking I am sticking around just out of guilt or responsibility. I am with him because I want to be--and that's the number one reason to do anything. My self-discovery wasn't always pretty and I discovered some things (tied into being raised a JW) that greatly affected my marriage. I faced those 'demons' (no pun intended), and I've since gained new respect for my husband and he for me. Okay, so you personally don't have those same exact issues but you have issues nonetheless. This is my main point. Respect yourself first and foremost and be honest with yourself--he may follow your example. I wish you the best.

  -Kat
• 

  Francois

  Kat, Tina is right on the money. There are three "items" involved in this: 1) you 2) your husband 3) your marriage. The relationship between you and your husband is as separate an item as either of its members, it has an existance of its own, and as one of the members of the marriage, you have a right to do something with it, about it, and for it - including end it if you wish.

  Damn the fundys, full speed to the therapist.

  Francois

  Where it is a duty to worship the Sun you can be sure that a study of the laws of heat is a crime.
• 

  Totally lost

  Hello everyone, Just thought that I would give you an update. I know I can go to my parents house, they would never mind. I spoke to my mom today and she said that they would do whatever it takes to help me out. And stand by me nomatter what decesion I make. I just really hate to burden them with my problems though. I know they don't mind, but they're not as young as they used to be, and the last thing I want to do is to bother them with my problems, but I guess I have no other choice. My husband and I have not really spoken for a couple of days. I told him that I wanted to leave, so hes been mad at me. He didn't go to the meeting tonight though. I just don't know how else to talk to him about this. My parents seem to think that If I leave him that he would eventually come around. He's a really good man at heart, but he would be a better one if he would find the real truth.I think that if he did find the real truth that everything between us would be fine. Oh how I wish I could find a man like my father, he and my mom have been married for 25 years. And they are very happy, they are always kissing and telling eachother "I Love You". I want my marriage to be just like that. My husband has a hard time showing any kind of affection, you wouldn't think so since hes been raised in such a "loving religion". But then again thats probaly the problem. Anniversaries are the only thing that they do celebrate, and I don't even get anything then. But thats not important right now. Like everyone has said on here, getting myself together and taking care of my kids is the number 1 thing right now. My husband can take care of himself.

  So anyway I guess I'll go to my parents' house, I don't know right now if its going to be for good or not. All I know is that I need to get away to work out some things for myself. Before I do have a breakdown.He doesn't think that I'm serious. When I told him that I was moving back to my hometown, he said that he would take the kids away from me. Which doesn't scare me. I know I'm not an unfit mother, and he couldn't take care of them anyway. His whole family works and he works 6 days a week. So he would have no way to take care of them.I don't know when I'll be leaving, but before I do, I'll write more.

  Thanks again everyone, you've helped me more than you'll ever know.
• 

  Andee

  Hi TL,

  You sounded much more sure of yourself in your last post.

  As far as your husband trying to take the children. I know you wrote that he works 6 days a week and would simple not have the free time to care for them. I also wanted to add that my Father was able to keep my Mother from leaving him for years by using this threat. I'm glad to know you looked at this threat logically and saw through him.

  I am also very heartened to find out what supportive parents you have.
  It helps to make a difficult situation a little bit less stressful.

  You seem to be heading in the right direction.

  Take care!
  Andee

  "head in the clouds with feet firmly planted on the ground"