help

by Lot 33 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Nosferatu

  First of all, welcome aboard!

  Isn't it sad that because you have changed your belief, people will disown you for it? Unfortunately, the people in the congregation will base their friendship on your status in some building rather than basing it on what kind of a person you are.

  What you've done is built your life upon a foundation of the JW religion. That is what you've based all your actions, decisions, and achievements on. Now, the foundation is cracking and is going to crumble. Everything that is built on that foundation such as your wife, family, friends and lifestyle will come crashing down once that foundation crumbles. It's going to be a mess, but you may be able to salvage a few bricks here and there, and use them when you build your new life. Let's hope your wife is one of those bricks.

  As for a new foundation for your life, may I suggest yourself? You can't go wrong there. I wish you the best of luck in your situation.
• 

  jaffacake

  Hi

  She may not be ready to read anything 'apostate'. I have just read Captives of a Concept by Don Cameron (on this board) My friend will not read such apostate literature, so, a technique I intend to try is to:

  1. make a list of the Biblical and Watchtower texts about how important it is to test everything, keep testing our faith, investigate our own religions etc. and try to get a commitment to carry out such a test, using only Watchtower publications.

  2. Use the watchtower quotations and simple logic, in Captives of a Concept, to apply the test recommended by Fred Franz, to the organisation which Jesus allegedly inspected and appointed in 1919 based on pre-1919 spiritual food at the right time. Examine that spiritual food, then let the reader ask themself whether there remains the faintest chance that God has ever appointed or guided this organisation.
• 

  Thegoodgirl

  Lot, Welcome!

  Sorry for your dilemma. It's a tough spot because you have no reasons (other than you know you are living a lie) to leave. What I suggest is to basically drift (which you are sort of doing). A little less meetings, a little more "extracirricular". Maybe join a neighborhood group or join a local running club, and invite your wife too. Hopefully you'll start to make some friends out of the org and have a bit of support there. Then "all your friends" won't be JWs anymore. It's so hard when your family is in. The first few months will be spent listening to them pleading for you to attend all meetings, etc. But after a while, you'll be sort of labeled "weak in the truth" in their minds, and hopefully they'll expect less "spiritually" from you. You can play dumb, and just say "but I need the exercise" or "I have to work late" etc. In no way give them a reason to DF you. No "I'm doubting the society" type of thing.

  The other option is to pick up your stuff and move to another area. (Bring your wife and kids, of course). Not easy, I'm sure, but it really makes it easier to cut ties. Get your publisher cards transferred over, meet about two people in the new hall, go to about 1 or 2 meetings, and then don't go anymore! Don't answer the door, don't answer calls when the elders come knocking.

  That's what I did, I moved. Actually moved twice in one year. It worked like a charm, but then again, I was single and moving off to college, so it was different than your situation.

  Good luck, I've been there. You're among people who have been there too.

  GG
• 

  orangefatcat

  Welcome to the board, Lot, I have to tell you that I loved that expression you used with regards to the anointed one in the family " Rabid Witness" , It conjured up all kinds of things in my imagination. I must tell you, I was visualizing him frothing at the mouth. Some of those old timer can really lay it on thick.

  Seriously though, I am the wife that left the husband and left the organization after 38 years. It was truly an emotion and mental roller coaster. So I sincerely understand where you are coming from. It is by no means something easy to do. But as my esteemed Friends suggested and I believe this to be true. And that is this, " Be true to yourself", you are the one who is having to live a lie and it is slowly killing you. That is not healthy for you or your marriage mate. I am convinced if you sit down with her and had a heart to heart talk with her and you tell her this is slowly killing you inside, perhaps she will come around. If not perhaps she could allow you to be true to your own mental health and stability and see that this is very important to you. Sure you will go through a really rough time as she will too. If she truly loves you she will see that your are sincerely needing to get out.

  I totaly concur with the suggestions of getting a copy of COC and reading it. Surely if a member of the governing body could get the courage to get up and leave all and everything to do with the organization I know you can to it to. I will pray for you. Just think how many family and friends he (R F)lost. Yes you too will lose friends and family. But they will never understand that you have got to be true to your self for the sake of your own sanity. I think that it will work out as your wife sees how you need to make this dramatic change to your life. Maybe she to will leave the org with you so long as you have each other and a good strong marriage.

  You will not regret it. You will have a tough go of at first, maybe affecting your health, but it too shall pass as all it is is a panic attack. Fear is a factor too . But it will pass also. I strongly suggest seeking out a good therapist who is familiar with JW's when the leave the organization or are disfellowshipped. I know where I live I had an excellent group of therapists who listened to my life story as a JW and what I needed to do to keep my mental health stable as I took the steps to leave. Of course I was disfellowshipped but not for just leaving my husband there was more involved in my case. But please believe me it will work out.. You just need to take that first step. The rest just follows suit.

  I wish you all the best and hope that all works out for you and your wife.

  deepest respect

  Orangefatcat.
• 

  Balsam

  Hi Lot,

  Wecome to the boards. Faking it is pretty much all you can do unless your both ready to have have all friends and family turn against you like stink of a skunk. It is terrible I know, but basically you will lose everyone you care about in the witnesses if you stop going (marked as bad association) or get disfellowshipped. Your stuck between a rock and a hard spot. Your wife understands that the consequences are more than she could bear.

  I know of a gal and her husband that gradually stopped attending meetings, counting time, going to conventions and her parents both loyal witnesses give her a hard time all the time. She is at the point she don't give a flip though anymore, she will not be pressured to return to meetings. Basically some have stopped talking to her, some do though if they see her out.

  Balsam

  Balsam
• 

  Es

  welcome to the board! Yes you have a dilema ahead of you i guess we all have at one time when it comes to leaving the borg. We all have dissapointed people but felt for our own good we needed to do it. You prob have but i suggest sitting down and discussing it with your wife really tell her how you feel find out how she feels and take it from there. es
• 

  love11

  Move far away from any family or friends.

  Then you will only have to "put on" when you visit them in town.

  If you can't do that, well...........there is no easy way out of that organization! But if you find one, let everyone else know how!

  Good Luck!
• 

  cruzanheart

  Welcome, Lot! My husband was in the same boat you're in for, oh, 15 years. He left in 1989 and I didn't. (My dad was "of the anointed" too, by the way.) We had our first child in 1993 and another one in 1996 and I still didn't leave. He helped me get the kids ready for the meetings and made sure we got there. I did ask him to go to Memorial with me every year because it was very important to me to have the whole family together, and he did for many years until it just got too impossible for him to even walk into a Kingdom Hall.

  By that time, though, I was seeing the cracks in the Society's facade pretty clearly. I went from being an elder's daughter and a ministerial servant's wife and a pioneer to being an invisible woman whose husband didn't attend meetings. It was an interesting viewpoint: even though I attended most meetings and commented at least twice at each meeting I attended, the elders couldn't seem to remember my name. Even though I invited Witness children over to our house to play with my children, my children were rarely invited back. My "last straw" was when our younger child, who was six, ended up in a wheelchair with post-viral arthritis and when I wheeled him into the KH for the first time in a wheelchair we were ignored by all but 3 people. I stomped home and told my husband that was the last time I was setting foot into a KH. He was SOOOOO relieved!!!

  Yeah, I'm stubborn -- it took 15 years! But here I am!

  Nina
• 

  jeanniebeanz

  Hi, Lot. Sorry for your situation. It must be very painful to continue to live the lie. I know since I was there. For me, there was no honorable way out. I sincerely hope that you find one.

  Jeannie
• 

  Carmel

  Hi Lot! Hope you can manage to get out of Sodom without your wife looking back! What a tragedy! I guess the only thing I could add is that I walked away from friends, family and the whole "lot" many years ago and will always thank the lord I made that choice. Comes with some bumps and pains, but worth it in the end.

  I'd say have a frank and loving conversation with your wife and get her support even if she wishes to "wait on Jah". Set a time table for how long Jah should take before the prayers aren't answered and that will be the answer.

  Best of luck/

  carmel