Glofishy,
I really do empathize with what you are going thru. I got divorced from my wife in 1974. She was (and still is) a staunch JW. (Your mate apparently is not even a baptized JW, which to me means he is not really in the same situation he would be in if he were baptized.)
When we originally married in 1964, we were both active, baptized JW's, and very happy. A couple of years into the marriage, and I converted to Mormonism. This resulted in my disfellowshipment by the JW's, which led to the whole messy "shunning policy" where, as husband and wife, we were not allowed to discuss anything of a spiritual or biblical nature, even if it had to do with how we should raise our 3 daughters. In the end, I came to the realization that this was never going to work, while our children were growing up very unhappy. Divorce was the inevitable result.
Now, both JW's and Mormons are taught that it is a very serious sin to commit adultery. Yet the only grounds JW's allow for divorce and remarriage is if the other partner commits adultery. Then you are free to remarry another JW. Mormons, on the other hand, will allow divorce and remarriage on any basis that is allowed under the "laws of the land". (However, as a Mormon, if you marry in a Mormon Temple, it is "for time and all eternity", and so temple marriages for which you may be seeking a divorce can only be done on the grounds of adultery.)
My point is, we were both trying to live moral and spiritual lives, living up to the moral standards of the religious affiliations we belonged to. Yet, the divorce was necessary, since the marriage was ripping us all apart, including the children.
Incidentally, before getting divorced, we had separated for a time. I was at university, but emotionally I was a wreck, because I still deeply loved my wife and our children. So I went back to them. But in order to do this, I had to renounce my membership in the Mormon church, and then come back and get reinstated by the Elders in the congregation where I was first disfellowshipped. I had to write a letter to the Mormon Stake President advising that I wanted my membership removed from the church records (I was a Mormon Elder). I wrote the letter, and a JW elder mailed the envelope to be sure it went out in the mail, not relying on my word alone.
What the JW elders did not know was that I had a meeting with the Stake President and his High Council members. At that meeting I explained to all exactly what I was doing- that I was not renouncing the Church, that my beliefs had not changed, but that this was the only way I could be reconciled with my wife and family. They agreed to set my membership aside in their filing cabinet, removed from the local congregation records, because they always did whatever they could to help families stay together. They all shook my hand and wished me well, and away I went, focused and determined to try again to make the marriage work. This time, I would do it as a united, JW family thru my getting reinstated.
Some seven agonizing months went by. I lived in Calgary, Alberta, and on weekends travelled 100 miles to the farm where my family was staying (with her parents, but in a separate farm house) in order to visit. Finally the big day came, and I got reinstated. Everyone was very happy, and JW's came from miles around for the "big day" reinstatement and celebration. Everyone was welcomed to the farm where we all took part in a big party and reunion.
During the party, conversations were happening in two's and three's, and of course, being Witnesses, the matter of field service and experiences came up. It was then that it hit me. I would now have to go out in field service, knocking on the doors of householders, preaching to them the JW sermons and doctrines. Many of these householders were Mormons, and I still believed in what the Mormons taught. How could I, in good conscience, talk to a Mormon as a JW when I actually believed as a Mormon? The internal conflict that this set up inside me was unbearable. In order to keep the family together, I would have to be a total hypocrit, and preach the JW teachings to Mormons who I still believed belonged to the right church.
I went home, did a lot of soul searching, and praying. We had picked out a place where we were going to move into in Calgary as a family unit. I moved into the place in anticipation of the move. But all the furniture and possessions were still with my wife on the farm. So here I was, this lonely guy, living in this "big house" with bare walls and no furniture. My next door neighbor thought I was really weird, living like that, and he wouldn't even talk to a weirdo like me! LOL
Anyway, as unbelievably difficult as this was at the time, I had to phone my wife and tell her that I could not got thru with this, as I had very serious doubts about the whole JW thing. I then wrote her a letter, telling her that her religion was not true, and of course, that I still believed in the Mormon Church. She and her mom both warned me that I had better make up my mind, because there wasn't much time left before the Elders would have to disfellowship me all over again.
Now I was convinced that as painful as this was for everyone concerned, it was better that I did this now, instead of waiting until my family moved in with me, and then I spring this news on them. We would have been a divided family once more, and all the problems that that entailed.
I learned from this experience that I had to live with myself. I may be able to fool others, but I cannot fool myself. I knew what was the truth inside, and I did not want to live a lie as a hypocrit. And God will not be mocked! Be honest with yourself, and the rest will follow, and in the end, it will work out for the best, even if I could not see what was down the road for the future. The lie is just not worth it. It is soul destroying, and it leads to self-condemnation, guilt and low self-esteem. When you think about it, the lie is what we are really doing to ourselves, moreso than to anyone else.
Against this backdrop, divorce was the only way out of this farcical relationship.
In Canada, divorce laws had always been based on the adversarial system. This meant that in order for a divorce to be granted, one party had to be guilty under divorce law, while the other one was innocent. For this reason, many people did not want to accept divorce if it meant that they had to be the guilty one, such as being an adulterer. Then in the 1960's (I believe it was), the divorce laws were changed to a more enlightened system. Instead of it being a matter of guilt or innocence, divorce became a matter of the grounds by which a relationship had broken down. And so there emerged something like about 5 or 6 grounds upon which a divorce would be granted, such as (I don't recall them all):
1) Adultery (without a guilty connotation)
2) Mental Cruelty (which can be extremely difficult to prove in court, where the divorce is contested. There was one case of a woman who sued under these grounds and won. Her husband used to squeeze the toothpaste tube in the middle, which drove her nuts. This became "mentally cruel" for her.)
3) Where one party is convicted of a serious crime and goes to prison.
4) Irreconcilable differences (This is where a husband and wife could separate for a period of three years, which then proves that the relationship is no more). This is the easiest way for a couple to end a relationship without being put into a position of violating their own moral code in order to obtain grounds- i.e. adultery) (I am not certain, but I think this may have since been shortened to a period of one year now.)
5) I think another one is "failure to consummate a marriage"
[Note: I believe the principals of divorce law are essentially the same in the USA as in Canada]
The next thing I worried about was the high cost of lawyers. I could not afford a big legal bill to get a divorce. Then I saw a newpaper ad about "Do-It-Yourself Divorce Classes". For $300 I could attend this class, and they would teach me everything I needed to know about getting a divorce. If we could get a divorce on an "UNCONTESTED BASIS", then they would help me fill in all of the necessary forms for the court proceedings, and both the husband and wife could go into court, present the documents, testify for your two side, and the judge will essentially grant the divorce. One of these instructors would even attend court with you.
I then phoned my wife and told her I intended to file for divorce, so we could both get on with our lives instead of making each other miserable all the time. I told her that if she did not contest the divorce, I could do things inexpensively for both of us by going the Do-It-Yourself route. I suggested that She divorce Me, but I will do the paperwork for her. She wasn't too sure about that one. I told her I would give her the grounds for divorce (which meant I would have to commit adultery, or else we could just wait the three years, and I would sue under "irreconcilable differences")
Now, in my mind, if I was going to divorce her under "irreconcilable differences", I would have to wait the 3 years, and then she would not be able to successfully contest the divorce. But as a Jehovah's Witness, she would not be free to remarry either, since the only basis the JW's are allowed to "divorce and remarry" is if Adultery is involved. So, big-hearted me, I was going to victimize myself here, for the sake of my wife, who I did not want her fate to be alone for the rest of her life, and my children would have to grow up without really having a father on a daily basis.
But then, being Mormon, I did not want to actually commit adultery either. It was then that I thought about "lieing in court", just saying to the judge that I had committed adultery, and my testimony would be regarded as evidence for that. Of course, I had to think up a good little story (i.e. where I did it, when I did it, with whom, etc.)
When I went to Divorce Class, I told them of my dilemma. Most of the people in that class were actually couples from broken marriages, and they were there with their common law partners. In other words, they all started out thinking they would just wait out the 3 years, and then get a divorce under "irreconcilable differences". (We all shared our stories in the class.) But you know, three years is a long time to live alone, especially if you have been used to living in a marriage, a partnership, a relationship. So living alone is no picnic, and your life feels pretty empty. The odds are you are going to go and find someone else with whom you can have a decent relationship in your life, and you move on. And when you do, you end up moving in together, and of course, you now become an adulterer, even though you did not start out with that intention. That was why these couples had a good chuckle over my situation about wanting to "fake an adultery" in order to get out of the marriage. They had all thought of the same thing, but afterwards said "to hell with it" when they got into a new relationship.
Going thru that Divorce Class changed me. Living alone for three years seemed like an eternity. And going the long way (3 years) would lock my wife into a very sad future. I was seriously considering the "fake adultery" thing. Give my wife the grounds that would free her up to remarry. We could both move on and rebuild our lives, and remarry.
So now, while I was a reinstated JW, but had to backed off the whole situation, I now had to get disfellowshipped all over again, I also did not immediately go back to becoming an active Mormon. It was during this period that I met some new friends who were not religious, and belonged to no church. Then I met a nice woman, and we became friends, and we did have a sexual relationship. I did the deed, and now my wife could sue me for divorce under "adultery".
However, my wife did use her own attorney, and I was served the divorce papers. We went into court, I testified as to my adultery, including the details, and the divorce was granted. At the time of this proceeding, I was living 500 miles away, and so the judge granted my request for a "decree absolute" rather than a "decree nisi", in order to save me a trip back 3 months later. Usually in a divorce, a decree nisi is issued, and then a period of 3 months goes by before a decree absolute is granted. This period is like a state of "temporary divorce" during which time the couple can still changed their minds and get back together again. When the decree absolute is issued, the divorce is final, and the couples are free to remarry whoever else they want. If the divorced couple wants to later get back together again, they can do so, but must get married all over again.
Now, from hind-sight, having gone thru the experience of a divorce, standing there in that court room in front of a judge, let me tell you, you do not want to lie and purjor yourself in court. Judges are no fools, and it is a nervous enough experience that you can easily trip yourself up in your testimony. All of your theories about "having a good imagination" and "being able to make up a good story" go right out the window in court. It is best just to tell the truth. Like my mom used to say to me "a good liar has to have a good memory, but when you tell the truth it will always be the same story".
Had I lied in court, and let's say I got away with it all, I would still have to live with that lie inside myself. And if your partner in marriage knows about that lie, or even allowed it to be used in a court of law, he/she has to live with that same lie. It is not worth it!
You want to be able to hold your head up with dignity and self-respect. Those lies take all that away from you, and it carries on forever. You cannot escape you, nor your memories of the real truth. So, for your own sake, Glofishy, whatever you decide to do, do it on your own terms, but do it from the truth, and not from a lie. You will not regret it in the long run, I promise you.
All the best to you for a new and brighter future. Sometimes you have to take a few steps backwards in order to move forward. Part of your struggles and confusion are based on remembering what you have experienced (the past) that is painful, while at the same time, going thru the uncertainty over what will happen with the rest of your life (anxiety and worry). The solution is to live in the moment, for today. Each day is the first day of the rest of your life. Plant the good seeds, the right seeds in today, and the future will take care of itself.
To cite an old cliche "Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. That's why Today is called the "Present" "
Rod P.
