Totally screwed up.

betrayedbyall

Hi, its been a few months since i last visited the forum and to be honest in that time my life has just continued to go downhill, does it ever get any easier guys, I have been so close to ending it all a few times and dont know how much longer I can take the anquish and pain which I feel every day !!!!!!!!. I now have no job, no friends, and no desire to fight anymore, I sit here day after day just wanting to sleep so that the mental pain will go away and yet I want peace so much.

My old mum who turns 80 next month, and who has been a witness for 50 years, has been so hurt by the events that led to my dissasociation she has now stopped going to the kingdoom hall, but i can see how sad and confused she is and i feel I have caused her great hurt in her later years, she has a bad heart and looks so worn down, I am worried sick she may pass away in this condition and this is tearing me apart also.

You might remember I lost my job after 28 years after being bullied and putting in a claim of harrasment, i then started up my own business and 10 witnesses worked for me, the lies and deceit was beyond words and in the end I had to close most of the business down, after that it was only myself and a non witness friend who were working together. It was a very long story but after we put up halloween masks in a window display the whole thing exploded and i was in front of a judicial commitee, further to the committe's decision to announce a reproof one of the elders on that committee visited our premises and was so nasty i snapped and told him i wanted to dissasociate myself, which I did.

I do not regret this but I do regret the hurt which has come about since, I also feel so lonely and with no future, my business partner who worked on with me for a little longer was so sick of the problems he had seen that he returned to his own country leaving me with no option but to close the business and try to find employment, which i have been unable to do.

Guys help me please, where do i go from here, having always been a witness I have no idea where to turn, Are there clubs to join where you meet people, I feel such a freak, my life was THE TRUTH and when i was 16 I went pioneering in the middle 70's, for years my life was conducting bible studies and "helping" others, preparing talks and making house calls, but I have no experience in real life which other people have. When I think of my past experience and skills learned all I can think of is activity in the truth, god I know nothing else. I suppose thats another reason it is now so hopeless, I do not believe at all that JW are christian, but I love God, I love people, I want to be happy, but where do I find it !!!!!!

Sorry to go on guys but I need advice desperately, what help can you give me, please I really do need it.

betrayedbyall.

jgnat

Yes, there are a few in your neighbourhood that post here on JWD. You do need some flesh-and-blood people to talk to.

Have you been depressed before? You must know that this feeling is transitory, based on a short term problem. Read utopian reformist's thread, and see how close he came to ending it after losing all that mattered to him. Notice that there is a road to recovery, though it may take a while.

I will tell you how you are NOT unique. There are manipulative and abusive families outside of the Watchtower society. Children from such families need to find a way to cope and move on. Much that you have gone through would be familiar to them.

I will go in search of some support groups in your area.

jgnat

Here's one:

http://www.survivors.org.uk/

Here's another one. http://www.samaritans.org.uk/

EvilForce

***I have been so close to ending it all a few times and dont know how much longer I can take the anquish and pain which I feel every day !!!!!!!!

Statements like this scream you are suffering from a massive depressive episode. Please seek mental help TODAY. Pick up the phone NOW and get some help. You need someone to talk to and probably antidepressant therepy as well. You need more help than this board can offer you. Please take my advice seriously and get someone to talk to !

MerryMagdalene

Hey, bba~

Check your Inbox, you have a message...

Don't give up. Many have been through similar and have survived and so will you. Like me, it sounds like you need a lot more than just caring words but it's a place to start...and talking can lead to good problem-solving ideas.

~Merry

sf

Another sad case. I'm sorry for your pain.

May I suggest you get involved in some type of volunteer work? There are many things you could do. And you WILL meet wonderful, giving people.

It will also help to take you out of yourSELF for a while and see how others less fortunate deal with life on a daily basis.

Not to minimize any of your pain, yet it has been known to help heal.

I'd also like to suggest that you SCREW GUILT!

Take good care.

Sincerely, sKally

homesteader

betrayed...thanks for sharing your story. i'm sorry to hear all that you've been through. please don't give up on hope. even if it's just looking at a flower and seeing hope in it. or maybe a child playing, a bird singing, a sunset or sunrise. They all give us hope that God cares for us. my prayers are that you will find trustworthy, honest people. I started attending churches to find one where i felt at home. i had to remove all the programmed judgements but have found some wonderful people at a local church and attend guilt and judgement free. build your network one person at a time. how about volunteering in a nursing home, a senior citizen center, your local ymca, scouts, 4-H or a homeless shelter ? Toastmasters is also a great organization. Know that you don't have to fix anyone. It's so freeing not to have to shove religion down someone else's throat. Just listen to people and try to fill a need. Sounds like you have some wonderful talents, the greatest being a caring person. Take one day at a time. Some books that might be helpful are A Course In Miracles and The Power of Now. God Bless and keep in touch. Grace.

homesteader

ps. i want to affirm evilforce's advice !!!! if you are depressed there is no light at the end of the tunnel and antidepressants and counseling can make a world of difference. Celexa has worked well for myself.

Qcmbr

..would avoid any relgious groups at the mo'

If I was you I would consider some quiet 'me' time hill walking or rambling in the woods. When you find that something crucial and fundamental to your life isn't what you want / have anymore its devastating ( I guess just the same as divorce - family bereavement etc..) If you can ride the pain time will help, non-judgmental friends will help as well but above all make sure you don't attack yourself or play any negative 'tapes' over and over again in your mind - you can examine things in fine detail some time in the future.

Narkissos

Hi bba and welcome!

So sorry to hear your story.

Please follow on what EvilForce just said:

Pick up the phone NOW and get some help. You need someone to talk to and probably antidepressant therepy as well.

Check with your doctor to get the appropriate medication, just to get your head out of the depression and be able to see where you really want to go from there.

Take care of yourself now.

Totally screwed up.

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