How do I control my jealousy?!! Help!

by Crumpet 63 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  outoftheorg

  WELL I am one of the bloks/guys and I am sure I will get hammered for this. But

  a relationship if it is to last and be worth the time and effort to keep it,

  requires that BOTH parties be interested in and willing to each help the other with ANY problem that threatens the relationship.

  This is why I believe her mate is obligated to work with her and look at himself also, to find a solution.

  From what her post said he is putting up a barrier percieved by her as a threat and refusing to deal with the problem at hand.

  Dealing with a problem needs questions, reassurance, kindness and an effort to see the other persons

  perceptions and how they feel. ON BOTH PARTIES.

  Claming up and saying shut up or I refuse to talk about it, is not cooperation or reassurance.

  Outoftheorg
• 

  diamondblue1974

  ((((Crumpet))))

  I agree with evil force on this but I also agree that your partner has to share the responsibility too; irrational jealousy is not healthy for anyone; its not healthy for your relationship either as it destroys as opposed to strengthens. He needs to begin making some serious efforts to reassure you and you need to make some serious efforts to chill out and see things in a more logical and rational fashion as hard as it is.

  Consider how your partner reacts to your jealousy...does he become closer to you? I bet not, if hes anything like me he will distance himself from you and shut down communications; is that the result you wanted? hell no...the result you wanted was for him to reach out to you (as much as he can bring himself to do) and for you to feel loved, that sadly will not happen until your jealousy stops. Consider what would happens if you were to behave differently though, if hes worth as much as you say he is you will start to see marked differences in the dynamics of your relationship; becoming closer, more intimate and you know he has done in the past...he must have when things were right between you.

  Try asking yourself when you start reacting to the way you feel....'is this getting what I want'

  If you feel you cant change your behaviours then you must seek professional help; yes it might cost you £50 an hour; but if you and your partner are committed to change in the relationship then this cost can certainly be halved cant it? Consider Relate Counsellors too..they are not quite so expensive given I think they are a charity. Either way you may then develop some coping tools to be able to get round these thoughts ands suspicions.

  On his part he has to realise that you are not like him and that you have emotional needs...if he cant then you really have to ask yourself whether or not it is worth being with such a person and make some serious choices; your a long time dead Crumpet...you shouldnt be living like this not without a positive outcome being at the forefront of your mind.

  Email me...

  DB74
• 

  katiekitten

  ND - again i think that position is only correct if the b/f was being completely reasonable and giving Crumpet no reason at all to feel jealous.

  You are right, just talking to other women is no reason to feel jealous. But hes not just doing that. He is accepting adult clothes as a gift for his 9 year old daughter (!) passing on the message that these clothes would be too small for C (!) and telling C to stop moaning about it. I.e. defending some woman at work against his own g/f.

  Well I dunno. He could have been a bit more discreet about the comments he passed on. If I started accepting gifts from men I worked with my partner would definately have something to say about it. (oh look darling this man at work gave me some adult size clothes for my little brother - Yes I know they dont fit him, but look this guy at work is so muscley he said they would be way too big for your small chest) The least he could do is acknowledge her feelings even if he felt they were out of order.

  Sometimes I just like to feel like I have been heard, because it makes me feel loved. If i was told to stop complaining, my issue would not be the complaint I had, but that I had a boy/f who couldnt be bothered to listen to me and hear my feelings.
• 

  a friend in need

  a b/f who couldn't be bothered to listen to me and hear my feelings is called ... exboyfriend!!!
• 

  EvilForce

  katie.... please see snippets of Crumpet's post:
  
  Now that I am a woman my jealousy seems to have grown with me. I want "exclusive devotion" from my other half and I get very jealous when other women seem to be on the receiving end of his attention however meagre this might be. I can barely think about him being at work
  
  my jealousy can be aroused over the slightest things
  
  Short of committing murder every time I encounter danger in the shape of a predatory woman to remove the competition, what can I do to control my jealousy for my own peace of mind? I can't do anything physical or violent obviously - although I would very much like to!
  
  
  None of these indicate an issue with a SPECIFIC boyfriend. So if this b/f goes away....guess what? Same problem, different b/f. This is why I was saying that it's HER issue to deal with. It's not JUST women. Anyone can be jealous and the effects are the same. Awful. Maybe her b/f is being an insensitive Cad...but I'm willing to bet he's been blugeoned over the head with this for so long he can barely stand it. At the rate she's going he'll simply up and leave because he probably feels she doesn't trust him. And of course he should help out....but at the end of the day it's her responsibility to do it for herself.
  
  Crumpet...how many conversations / arguments / debates have you had over your jealousy issues with your b/f? How long have you 2 been together? Has the jealousy issue come between you and other b/fs?
  
  Inquiring minds want to know.
• 

  trevor

  Crumpet

  The only way I can deal with my jealousy it seems is to removed myself emotionally and physically from him.

  You need to remove yourself emotional from yourself. Imagine you are watching yourself. Look on in a detached way and separate yourself from your own emotions.

  All the while you are at the mercy of your emotions you will project your fears and anxiety onto the ones closest to you who you love.
• 

  DanTheMan

  One of the reasons why I broke up with A (I started a thread about my relationship w/her a couple of months ago) was because she was so jealous. She was so convinced that I had women after me at work and that I would drop her or even worse cheat on her without a moment's hesitation if the opportunity arose. It drove me crazy, I just wish she would have had more confidence in herself. Her estimation of my attractiveness was way over-rated, I am hardly a guy who makes women swoon or anything, I'm just a skinny lad with a skinny chest and dull brown eyes LOL.

  Women love confident men, and the reverse holds true as well. I want a woman who has enough confidence in herself and me that she doesn't get all suspicious all the time or is so certain that I will eventually leave her that she drives herself crazy dreaming up all the different scenarios of how it will happen.
• 

  Englishman

  It drove me crazy, I just wish she would have had more confidence in herself.

  Well, yeah, but I used to wish that my g/f had more confidence in me. It is pretty insulting to be rated as someone who can't be trusted, after all. Bollocks to the self esteem of the person who is being jealous, what about the person who is suffering because of such jealousy?

  Englishman.
• 

  Netty

  I might just have a little different persective here, and first of all please know that I am not the jealous type at all. My hubby is a cop, (and a handsome one at that) and you know how women flip out for not only men in uniform, but the whole authority thing. I see women check him out, in public, restaraunts etc, right in front of me, or they act silly, try to get his attention, strike up conversations. I actually am proud of him, and am not worried about it at all, because he never gives me any reason to. I wanted you to know that first, so you would understand where I am coming from and know that I would never try to fuel your jealousy, because I realize how destructive a thing it can be. What I am wondering here is, are you actually on to something? Who is this:

  preferring the other woman

  what is relationship with her? Where does he know her from? And is she the same women as:

  And he said clothes for his 9 year old daughter - who from I asked? And he said this woman at work

  If so, just wondering why he has this type of relationship with her?

  and when you say:

  as he is defending her

  When I read this my red flags went up.

  So what I am trying to say is, maybe you are not irrational, and maybe there is something a litle more to this? The jealousy could be your intution trying to give you a nudge.
• 

  katiekitten

  EF - good point. I think I have read it a bit from my own perspective, and I can see the other side too now you have explained.

  I still feel sadness for her though, having to put up with this gift situation. I think maybe irrational jealousy is being fueled by blinkered and selfish behaviour by the b/f. Hes not exactly helping is he. I was wildly jealous of my b/f - stalking, turning up unannounced the works. He spent 2 years telling me it was all in my mind and i was a hyterical woman. Turned out that he had been seeing another girl the WHOLE time and had even moved in with her a week before I found out. I wasnt being irrational at all.