Hey everyone, here's my yearly tips for the assembly.......there's alot of newbies here who just might benefit from sum of deeze tips. Enjoy! Going to the assembly this year? Are you ready to fall asleep before the opening song is even done? Wonder how you'll ever make it to 5 o'clock without losing it? Well fear no more! Below are several tips you can put into practice to get you through the day from the moment you park your car in the rattiest part of town 2 miles away, till the time you scurry outta the stadium back to your hotel room, praying to God that the next 3 days won't send you on a one way trip to the rubber-room.
1. The first order of the day is getting some strong COFFEE - and I don't mean that watery crap from McDonalds that probably isn't even really coffee; I mean the Dark Roast Columbia beans from Starbucks - chew the beans along with an aspirin and some ephedrine for that extra "buzz" that you'll need fighting the happiest people on earth for a seat. This is also called The Stack and will help you lose weight while you sit on your ass for the next 3 days wondering what ever posessed your parents to join such a screwed up religion........
2. Finding it hard to get good seats for you and your family? Tired of climbing all those stairs up to the nosebleed section, knowing that one wrong move will see you crashing down 4 flights of stairs? Well fear no more! You can avoid this situation a couple of ways:
a) You can "volunteer" for being an "attendent" if you're a male, which means that you get into the auditorium earlier than everyone else. Don't let them fool you with that crap 'no one can save seats till the doors are open.' Believe me, all the attendents get seats before the herd. Once you have your pick of the seats simply fold your volunteer badge up and put it in the contribution box on your way out for some more coffee beans. b) Look the auditorium over carefully and then choose the seats you want. Don't worry if there's already bibles and songbooks on the seats; simply gather them up and take them to the Lost and Found section. Check out the coolers stashed under the seat to see if there's anything worth eating. Take one bite out of all the sandwiches and then put them back exactly how you found them. When the assembly starts and the family shows up and accuses you of taking their seats, look at them in total shock and announce loudly that Ted Jaracz is your uncle and that if they don't leave you alone, you'll have them all disfellowshipped by the next Theocratic Ministry School meeting. Whisper that they can have the seats back for $50.00 each, promising to put it in the contribution box. After security escorts them out, enjoy the rest of their sandwiches and pop.
3. If there are people sitting in the seats in front of you (denying you the right to put your feet up on the seats), make lots of noise, such as chopping loudly on chips, crackers or even better: Crunch a Munch.........smack your lips noisely while opening cans of pop. When they turn around to give you the evil eye, grin at them at say: "No oblo English!" Keep this up until they leave in disgust. The minute they do, put their seats up for sale.
4. Tired of looking up all those scriptures telling you that you're not doing enough in God's Organization? The answer is simple: bring a novel to read, placing it inside your bible. Try one of the Harry Potter books or a book on Elvis sightings as they'll fit snugly into the bible. Everyone around you will be impressed that your eyes never leave the bible and how totally immersed you are spiritual things.
5. The afternoon sessions arrive and you're bored out of your mind. You keep hoping the drama will hold your interest, but it's even worse than last years. Bring a straw to your seat along with some peas. You'll have to be sitting close enough to the stage for this one, but start shooting peas through the straws at all the actors in the drama. Watch them lose their cool as they try to continue on as though nothing's happened. Repeat this once they're thru and the main speaker is back on stage telling you what a fine example you just saw! Aim for the head. If he's wearing glasses, he'll wonder what the hell's going on and will probably lose his train of thought and start repeating himself. Start laughing out loud the minute he does. If caught, you will be disfellowshipped on the spot, but take comfort in knowing that you made 20,000 people laugh their heads off.
6. If there's any small kids sitting in front of you, (99.9% chance of this) start making faces at them till they start laughing. Their mothers will probably give them a smack and drag them to the bathroom for another one, but don't worry, they probably wanted to get up anyway. Whisper to your kid that if they start to cry, you'll take them out for an icecream cone. March them out of there in righteous anger when they start crying and then head for the nearest Baskin Robbins.
7. Start smiling and winking at all the attendents "guarding" the speaker (this will only work for women). Hike up your skirt and cross your legs like Sharon Stone did in Basic Instinct. While all the guards are drooling over your legs, your friend is now free to shoot all the peas he wants at the speaker. As the male guards have been totally distracted by your friend, your chances of getting disfellowshipped will be greatly reduced. For those that feel particularly daring, you could fly a large paper airplane with the JWD web's site written on it, on to the stage. If anyone looks at you, point discreetly at the person sitting next to you and roll your eyes in disgust. Try not to giggle when a Judicial Committee drags comes and drags them away "for a little chat". Ignore their screams as you cast your eyes down to your bible, wondering why Professor Snape is so mean to Harry all the time.
8. For the concluding song, start singing really loud, really off-key and one word ahead of everyone else. This throws everyone around you off, especially if you are singing "Be Glad You Nations". If anyone gives you a dirty look, wink at them and wave as though you were long-lost friends. 9. During the concluding song discreetly make your way to the hallway and wait for the prayer to begin, knowing it'll go on forever. Right in the middle of it, pull the fire alarm and watch the Christ-like attitude of thousands evaporate before your very eyes. Make sure you're out of the way or you WILL be trampled to death.