Sentimental Mood

by MerryMagdalene 15 Replies latest jw experiences

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  MerryMagdalene

  I've been thinking back to my j-dub childhood with a sort of sad fondness...

  My great-grandfather was the first Witness in the valley where he lived and ranched. He became one after listening to Rutherford's radio programs. I have no idea why and am a bit curious.

  I never knew him but my grandparents had all the old lit: a rainbow of books I loved looking through, stacks of Golden age Magazines, the recorded albums used door to door, cloth magazine bags that were printed w/something like "Watchtower and Awake 5 cents." And the walls of the stairwell were covered with WTS calendar "art."

  I was filled with such a sense of awe at being part of something of such divine importance. I was going to live forever in paradise and I was going to help everyone else live forever too 'cause neither God nor I desired any to be destroyed.

  Then I grew up and the beautiful bubble burst and my magnificent Biblical God of love and light and his beloved wifely organization, knowledge of which had been passed down to me as a treasured inheritance, had their masks stripped away one layer at a time, their lies and their strange forms of violence made plain. So strange to finally see what a dysfunctional family model we were given.

  This no longer has the power to deceive me and yet still holds much of the rest of my family enthralled. I have no idea why and am a bit curious. How did I see through it all? Why haven't they? I just have to write and ask at least one of them.

  How long can they justify all the wrongs and explain all inconsistencies away? As long as they feel they must to protect "the family" and their eternally distant eternal futures I suppose. How sad...

  ~Merry

  ( touching her dusty parenthesi button fondly, thinking of the "good ol' days" and unwilling to completely "give up the ghost" ;-)
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  tijkmo

  thats so weird...i woke up this morning feeling all melancholy and ..man its so difficult to shake that feeling of complete and utter disillusionment

  i ended up thinking about the mosaic law and how there was no need for prisons because wrongdoers were expected to make recompense for their misdeeds (whether or not they wanted to..repentance was not a requirement)...and then considered that christian law improved on mosaic law...and yet amongst jws there is a strong leaning toward punishment..even when someone is sorry for what they have done and is prepared to rectify it..i cannot believe that this can possibly be the christian way that jesus intended...and even though i no longer have to convince myself of this i cant help but be incredibly sad about it on occasions

  i think one of the reasons i feel this way today is that i was visitting my sister yesterday and she was crying because of the circuit visit they are having this week...she has been out every day in fs.. has on 2 occasions had the group back for coffee...and the c.o. (mike read..single man) has yet to even say hello to her...has never even asked about me even though this a man who has previously used me for circuit assembly and elders school assignments...and has not shown any interest in my other sister..(on dialysis machine for over 20 years now) or her unwell husband who came off as an elder a while back because of a stroke but who have kept themselves busy by learning sing language and joining the sign language group...now shes not expecting to get any kind of special attention and fully understands that there are other pressing matters that require to be attended to..but there is no doubt that my stance-- not attending meetings and demanding that justice be served in certain areas-- is affecting how they are being treated

  my initial response was this....happy are those that expect nothing..for they shall not be disappointed.

  but i still feel sad for those who still believe and expect...and are constantly being let down
• 

  fleaman uk

  but i still feel sad for those who still believe and expect...and are constantly being let down

  Im hearing exactly what your saying tijkmo...though i havent believed for 10 Years now (blimey 10 years since the Generation change..)it was such a massive blow to realise for myself only recently when i turned 35,that i am now halfway throught the traditionally understood 3 score Years and ten!!

  It makes me sad sometimes that i dont have a crutch..no matter how whacked out....to rely on regarding the future.Its just a case of what will be will be.
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  luna2

  I sometimes, even now, look back with amost fondness to the five years I lived in IL as a JW. My boys were young, my dysfunctional marriage was over (such a relief), and being a JW provided structure and support that I took comfort in as a single parent. In our cong. there were quite a few other single sisters, many of whom also had kids, to socialize with. There were many get togethers, picnics and potluck suppers with the whole congregation or with just us single sisters and our kids. There seemed to be something social going on all the time, even if it was just a few of us going to a movie and out to McDonald's. We even started going out to dinner in a big group after the Memorial.

  Circuit Assemblies in Janesville, WI were like a mini vacation (almost). We'd all stay up at the Ramada Inn where there was a nice room, pizza and swimming to look forward to after each session. (District Assemblies in Cicero, IL were less fun. Three to four days of getting up in the wee hours of the morning to drive two hours to a race track to spend an almost endless day on uncomfortable chairs with 10,000 other people was never something I looked forward to.)

  I guess for that relatively brief period, in that time and place, everything meshed pretty well...at least enough so, that we were mostly happy and willing to ignore the occassional jangling inconsistancies in either the other "friends'" behaviors or what we were being asked to accept as truth from the FDS.

  Once we moved, the fantasy rapidly disintegrated. It's almost too bad that it worked so well for us back there in the beginning. I might have woken up sooner.
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  MerryMagdalene

  ...man its so difficult to shake that feeling of complete and utter disillusionment

  Tij, sorry to hear we're feeling similarly here. It is hard sometimes...

  i think one of the reasons i feel this way today is that i was visitting my sister yesterday and she was crying because of the circuit visit they are having this week...

  It does usually seem to be something current that that triggers it for me too. Often it's an experience I read here.

  ...but i still feel sad for those who still believe and expect...and are constantly being let down

  So do I

  Fleaman:

  It makes me sad sometimes that i dont have a crutch..no matter how whacked out....to rely on regarding the future.Its just a case of what will be will be.

  Me too

  Luna2:

  I guess for that relatively brief period, in that time and place, everything meshed pretty well...at least enough so, that we were mostly happy and willing to ignore the occassional jangling inconsistancies in either the other "friends'" behaviors or what we were being asked to accept as truth from the FDS.

  !!! I love the way you express such things...I have often thought that you speak my mind better than I do.

  Once we moved, the fantasy rapidly disintegrated. It's almost too bad that it worked so well for us back there in the beginning. I might have woken up sooner.

  I'm glad to be out and awake too, even though it sometimes hurts and I think nostalgically of the warm, safe womb I once sheltered in. Then I realize it wasn't as warm and safe and pleasant as I made it out to be...that was only in my own mind.

  Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this all of youIt helps...

  ~Merry
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  greendawn

  "How long can they justify all the wrongs and explain all inconsistencies away? As long as they feel they must to protect "the family" and their eternally distant eternal futures"
  
  I think what they want to protect is their own positions as they are nothing but power hungry (mad) old men on a never ending power trip. Contrary to what they say they don't give a fig for the flock. They will carry on lying about the glaring contradictions in their dogma as much as is necessary to keep their followers blinded and obedient.
  
  As for their future I don't think they have one at all.
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  evita

  Hi Merry
  
  Thanks for expressing your thoughts so eloquently.
  
  After my mom died, I was going through her photos and came across my old baptism picture. I was 15. My mom, friend Cheryl, and I are all crying in the photo and we look so happy. We were young ( my mom was younger than I am now), it was fresh and new. What happened?
  
  The bubble burst of course. I also have many sentimental feelings about those early days as a witness. I had to shove those feelings aside so that I could leave and begin a new life. Now, some of those old memories have resurfaced and need to be acknowledged so I can move on ... again.
  
  I will never go back because I know the truth about the truth, but for a brief moment ignorance was bliss.
  
  Eva
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  lilybird

  Sometimes I reflect on my teenage years growing up as a witness in the late 70's. At that time we were still allowed to have big house parties with disco(shudder) dancing. All the parties were chaperoned by witness parents and sometimes elders. But we had fun, without drugs drinking and we had a group of guy and girls who were really good friends with out the pressures of sex before we were ready, We went to parties all over Toronto, meeting other witness teens. Life seemed carefree. I was newly baptised and we all looked forward to bliss in paradise someday. Sadly, we all had to grow up and we all started getting married by 19. That was what you had to do or you were washed up by 21 it seemed. By that time, the society really started disapproving of parties and disco clubs.(we went to disco clubs downtown Toronto as well). By that time I was out working and getting engaged, so it didn't really affect me, but I felt sorry the ones younger than me like my sister who were not allowed to party and have fun. I think that is where the society went wrong with the teens, here anyway. They stopped allowing you to be young.Most couldn't take being reined so they left. But I know I did have some good times as teen witness. My husband and I often talk about the fun times. Too bad we grew up and discovered all the lies we had been taught and been believing ..Better late than never I guess.
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  arrowstar

  ((Merry))

  (remembers fondly the island as she types this message)

  (insert teary-eyed icon here)

  Lisa
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  BrendaCloutier

  ((( Merry )))

  I think it was different in "those days" and up until maybe the '60's. There was more genuine enthusiasm for "The Truth", and more love shown within the congregations than I think there is now.

  Since their prophesies have never come true, and the New Flash (in the pan) Light keeps changing, and the "Society" has been serious cracking the whip, I think the light has gone out for many of the people, and they are staying out of fear, and by wrote. It's familiar even though it's stressing.

  Hugs sis

  Brenda