Yes, she does take my daughter to the meeting with her, and at 8 yrs old she is very confused as to why they believe what they believe, as far as me converting it would be hard for me to do because I have been to her meetings with her, I tried it for about a yr and it is just hard to be a part of something that you find so disgustingly wrong. I just can't allow myself to be manipulated by the elders and the governing body, and made to believe that I must live my life according to ho they feel I should live it. So this is something I will have to think about very hard because it would be hard to for me to pretend that I am zealous about something I find so wrong.
Need Your Help
by vasquez68 17 Replies latest members private
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Check_Your_Premises
HI, I am part of the UBM welcoming committee.
UBM stands for unbelieving mate.
I am part of a group of UBM's who are trying to help our spouses to leave the wt cult. We are using the book, Releasing the Bonds, by Steven Hassan.
The first thing you need to do is get this book. Put it in the dustcover of another book so your wife doesn't see it. Don't try to do anything else until you do this, since you will just make a lot of rookie mistakes that you will have to waste a bunch of time undoing the damage for.
Here is a quick to do list for you in the meantime
1. Don't let these sonsabitches be a wedge in your marriage. DOn't give them the satisfaction. You need to strengthen EVERY aspect of your marriage that you can. Lots of love and affection and time together.
2. Don't attack her religion ever! Ask questions in a genuinely curious way. Never offer judgements or criticisms.
3. Be the bait. No dub can resist converting their non-dub spouse. If you are not open to her religion you are an opposer, and an agent of Satan, and you can't help her.
4. Don't try for a "knockout". This is a slow steady process. If you try for a knockout, you will fail, get mad, and scream "ITS A F***IN CULT!" I know this for a fact.
5. Relax. Don't freak out, but at the same time don't underestimate the danger of your situation or the power they will have over your wife.
6. Don't take it personal. Your wife is being acted on by unethical but very effective mind control techniques. Her authentic personality does not want to make these people more important than you. It is a cult personality that has been superimposed on her. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.
7. Remember these guys have seen 1000 ubms before you. They have you sliced and diced, and will anticipate and head off your every move. Check everything you do with the folks here. They have them sliced and diced. Don't underestimate the power of their advice. Cults are predictable. They will tell you EVERY thing to expect.
Here are some links of stuff I have my progression here at jwd. You will find all sorts of good/bad advice on these threads. As a rule, try to avoid the ideas from people who are really bitter and full of pain. Their pain is understandable, but you are not here for them to live vicariously through,
you are here to save your family.
http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/7/86145/1.ashx
http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/7/86553/1.ashx
http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/7/86473/1.ashx
http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/7/87495/1.ashx
http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/7/88762/1.ashx
Keep an eye out for stuff from jgnat, oldsoul, ithinkisee, and mj.
They are all in similar situations and post some great stuff. Jgnat is chairman of the ubm welcoming committee.
Feel free to pm me.
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outnfree
Vasquez --
Initially, I thought your wife might have "re-upped" with the JWs because of not wanting to see your child die at Armageddon. That teaching, inculcated in her during her formative years, is enough to scare many inactive JWs back into the organization because they love their children so very much. Is that what happened? Have you been married 10 years or so?
I think in order to combat her membership, you will have to determine what motivated her to go back in the first place. WAS she afraid for your daughter? Did she want to please her parents? Was she lonely and longing for the instant social group that being a Witness would bring her? Does she feel unworthy in general, low self-esteem, and being back in the fold makes her feel special again? "Chosen" even?
Think about these things and see if you can replace her need for the organization by filling some of her needs.
Just my $ .02
outnfree
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Check_Your_Premises
your wife might have "re-upped" with the JWs because of not wanting to see your child die at Armageddon
That is probably the most common cause of the UBM situation.
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vasquez68
I never thought about it that way but I believe that is a large part of it, she decided she wanted to get baptised after my daughter was born, so I believe this is a big reason she made the decision of going back, I also believe she always felt guilty for being inactive for so many years, I don't think her parents put pressure on her because her dad is inactive and her mom was also inactive until my wife started going on a regular basis. As far as how long we have been married it has been 11 yrs.
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blondie
Not to browbeat her but keep this in mind, according to WTS policy, husbands, even non-JW husbands are the heads of their household and unless you ask her to violate a doctrine, she should defer to you. It will create tension though.
It would be good to write down where things have changed since she became a JW and remind her that she said these things would not change.
I know of couples where the husband was not a JW and they were able to negotiate things and have peace and love.
Blondie
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jgnat
Hello, fellow Un-Believing Mate, or, as we were recently referred to in a Watchtower article, scummy dross. You have my sympathies. Check_Your_Premises has laid out a very good plan to get yourself back in the driver's seat of your marriage.
As he has said, don't attack the cult any more. All that does is make you grow horns and fangs before her eyes. She has to feel that you are not a threat to your spirituality. On the other hand, you don't have to take any crap, either. Never send your daughter to the Kingdom Hall without you. The first time a JW, adult or child, says something inappropriate to your daughter (i.e. she will die at Armageddon, she is "bad association"), pull her out. Tell your wife that your daughter will not go back to the Kingdom Hall until she convinces you that the Watchtower Society is a loving organization.
In my experience, doctrinal debates can go 'round and 'round like a merry-go-round and nobody ever gets off. What is harder for a JW to defend is some of the unloving practices of the JW's. If you have a genuine concern about this, make her start looking for the 'love'. It might help her think about what kind of organization she has joined.
Blondie is right. You can make this work if there is lots of communication and mutual respect. The Watchtower propoganda that those outside the organization are abusive, alcoholic, drug-addicted adulterers doesn't help. Keep reminding your wife of WHO YOU ARE and WHO SHE MARRIED. Take the respect back that you deserve.
Ask for a copy of the Secret to Family Happiness book. Read the section dealing with Unbelieving Mates. You have rights. The downside of the WT advice is that it puts a lot of pressure on the JW partner to accommodate, which can lead to resentment on their part. Oh, well. That's what they decided to join.