I got back yesterday from Newfoundland, where my nan had just died a little over a week ago. I was pretty upset that I wasn't able to see her one last time as she had died one day before I got there. All in all the family held up as well as can be expected.
My grandmother was a devout pentecostal woman and dearly wanted her family to be 'saved' so as to be able to see her again one day in heaven with Jesus. My private conversations with her were different though.. she respected me and my decisions in life and was a real source of strength for me in leaving the dubs. She conceded that she actually believed that it was fine and good for a person to read the Bible at home and that to have faith was all that was needed to live forever in heaven. I never tried to convince her that the Bible wasn't inspired but I did let her know a few months ago that I am an athiest. She then said something that I'll never forget, "Life is only a dream, isnt it Sheldon? Go on and enjoy your life." That was her being honest with herself and somebody that she dearly loved in her family. Deep down she wasn't certain in Christianity, she doubted things, and she could get scared and lonely. She was human, probably the best one I've met so far. If you knew all the shit she had dealt with in her life it would blow your mind.
For about the first part of the funeral service everything went smoothly with nice memories of my nan being related and and a few poems being read out. Then the preacher started to preach. I don't know if you have ever been to a pentecostal service but let me tell you it's an experience all in itself. This guy all but singled out my mom and myself by bellowing "There are some among us that have flown from far away to be here that have not come to accept the healing power of the lord Jesus - AH!" ( The guy ended virtually every sentence with this "AH" sound). He screamed that "For them this really is goodbye to dear nan, and they will NEVER SEE HER AGAIN-AH, unless they come up here and get saved-AH!", and to this the congregation began to murmur things like "praise Jesus" "amen" "praise God" and "Halalujah". As you could imagine I'm gritting my teeth because I'd like to respect these people considering the loss of somebody that they dearly love, but I get feeling pissed that he's saying this shit with my mom sitting in the front row of the church mourning the death of her mother. After about another half an hour of him puking out Christian guilt in a dramatic and emotionally charged manner the service ended, and I'm proud to say that I didn't body slam him in front of the people who idolize him so dearly. The thought did cross my mind.
I just got up and walked over to the coffin with my mom. We were both crying and after staring at her for a couple of minutes my mom looked up at me with a scared expression and said that "she is so cold." I tried to smile to give her some sort of comfort but I couldn't. I just took off my thumb ring, put it in my nan's hands and gave her a kiss on the forehead.
I don't believe in heaven and hell but I think people can live forever in memories, and I'll always look up to my grandmother as somebody who truly loved life and loved her family. She will always be alive in my heart, and that's the only place I could expect to live in the heart's of my own family and friends. Life is good.
GBL