The exact day, lost in a memory that was unconcerned with the details of the moment, is unimportant. What is important is that three years ago -- in May of 2002 -- I left the JWs. It was at the end of the month, for I realized soon afterword that this would be the first month since becoming a publisher that I did not turn in my time.
I left swiftly and unexpectedly. I was to read the Watchtower that day, the day my mother confronted me with what she knew were my doubts. I confessed I did not want anything to do with the Witnesses anymore; that I no longer believed in it and felt it was a cult. It was an emotional moment. My relief at my confession was soon followed by the full weight of what my words meant. I had for over a year and a half immersed myself in following questions that screamed in my mind. My faith crumbled inside. This fact soon became obvious by my absence at the Kingdom Hall, and what my mother must have told the elders and members of my family. What was said about me will probably forever be a mystery.
I can honestly say that for a long time after my dramatic departure from the world I was raised in and knew I was a complete mess. Emotionally, financially, mentally, academically, and otherwise. The pain of deciding to leave had a ripple effect on every aspect of my life. It has taken a long time to recover, if one can be said to really "recover" from it all.
For me, the last three years have been a period of continued questioning, mistakes and growth. My personality is deeply introspective, a character trait which is both a strenght and liablility. When I left the JWs I quickly immersed myself in the ex-Witness online community, starting at the now defunct "Beyond Jehovah's Witnesses" message board and then here at JWD. Along this twisted road I have turned my attention to areas of interest to me that layed dorment when I was a JW. What about other religions, such as Buddhism? What do history's philosophers teach? Where do I stand politically? Some people "sow their wild oats" upon leaving the Witnesses -- I read books.
On the road I have had to discover, through trial and error (mostly error) who I am and what the world is. I have tried on many hats: atheist, philosophical theist, libertarian, socialist, radical, conservative, post-modernist, rationalist, irrationalist. I've encountered and been excited by so many "ism's" that I've lost count. In the process I've stepped on people's toes -- and my own -- as I fumbled to dance with what I believe and what I want to stand for.
What do I stand for? Who am I really? I don't think that I can truthfully answer that question, nor can anyone about themselves, for that matter. I am reminded of what Lau Tzu said about the Tao: "Those who know it do not speak of it. Those who speak of it do not know it." All I can say with confidence is what I am not: I am not a Jehovah's Witness. I am not an immoralist. I am not a fundamentalist atheist or theist. Via negativa.
I have come to the understanding that leaving the Witnesses is a process, a developmental process of growth. This process sometimes means regressing a little. To go forward sometimes you have to step backward. For me, this has meant giving up "the spiritual life" for a while since leaving the JWs. I count this as one of those strange "backward to go forward" periods. It was accompanied by a certain meanness towards those who look at the world differently, religiously perhaps. It meant getting very worked up over the fact that some people think differently than I. But, considering the "group think" mentality that I was coming from, this meanness was regressive progress. I'm not sure if on-line arguments, backbiting, "letting it all out on the screen" and so forth is a necessary period of painful growth before one can look upon self and others with equanimity or not. All I know is that I feel different than I did three years ago. Or two. Or one.
I feel good. The journey continues...
Bradley