As many of you know, I have had some severe emotional issues the last couple of months. Repression from growing up JW and being so damned responsible for all my years and setting aside emotions....... now the emotions are finally kicking their way through the door and coming out with a vengeance. I found a piece on a website devoted to anti-depressants and I normally don't do this but I thought I would share it with the board. Almost like the emails our old friend JanG used to send us. Here it is:
-------- THE AWAKENING--------
The time always comes - in each and every life - when we finally 'get' it - when in the midst of all our fears and irrationality, the voice inside us cries ENOUGH! Enough fighting, crying, and struggling to just hold on. Sobs begin to subside, we shudder once or twice, blink back the tears, and begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is The Awakening.
Oftentimes we are slow to accept that any guarantee of 'happily ever after' must begin with US - YOU. And you stop waiting and hoping for something to change - for happiness and security to come galloping over the horizon. A new you starts to evolve, and you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself. You realize that not everyone will appreciate or approve of who or what you are...and it's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.
You stop complaining and blaming others for the things they did to you, or didnt do for you. You stop judging and begin to overlook people's shortcomings - and that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say - that not everyone will always be there for you, and that it's not always about you. So you learn to stand on your own and take better care of yourself.
You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been engrained into your psyche. You begin to sift through all you've been fed for so long - how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, where you should shop, what you should drive, how and where you should live, what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry, the importance of having and raising children, or what you owe your parents. You open up to new worlds and different points of view, and start redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing, and begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with. You learn to go with your instincts - to distinguish guilt from responsibility, and realize the importance of setting boundaries and saying NO.
The meaning of romantic and familial love becomes more clear - how to love, how much to give, when to stop giving, when to walk away - and that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, or more lovable, because of the man or woman on your arm, or the child who bears your name. You learn to see your relationship as it really is - not as you want it to be. And "alone" does NOT mean 'lonely'.
You look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you may never be a size 5 or a perfect 10, and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up." You finally stop putting feelings aside to smooth things over. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK - that it is your right to want the things that you want. And sometimes it is necessary to make demands.
You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity, and respect, and you will not settle for less. You allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you, to glorify you with his or her touch... and in the process you internalize the meaning of
self-respect. Then, what follows is a realization that your body really is your
temple. You begin eating a
balanced diet, drinking more water, and taking more time to exercise. Since you have learnd that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear, you take more time to rest. And just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels the soul. So you find a way to make laughter a bigger part of your life.
You learn that in life you get what you believe you deserve - that much of life is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving requires work - that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen - and that to achieve success, you need direction, discipline, and perserverance. No one can do it all alone and it's OK to ask for help.
You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time: fear itself. You learn to STEP INTO AND THROUGH YOUR ANXIETY AND FEARS, because you really know in your heart and soul that there is nothing you can't handle. To give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms, with dignity. So you realize that you cannot continue to squander your life away by living under a cloud of impending doom.
You realize that life isn't always fair and that you don't always get what you think you deserve - that negative feelings such as anger, envy, jealousy and resentment, must be understood and redirected before they squeeze the life out of you and poison everything around you.
You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls - to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things that we take for granted - things that millions of people upon the planet can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a hot shower.
Slowly you begin to take responsibility for yourself, and you pledge that you will never betray yourself again, or settle for less than your heart's desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. It helps you keep smiling, trusting, and staying open to every wonderful possibility.
Finally, with renewed spirit, courage, and strength, and with [your] God by your side, you take a deep breath and begin designing the life you've always wanted to live - as best as you can.