Dear Cretins, I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website. HOW?
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks, my modem arrived, six weeks after I had requested it and begun to pay for it.
I estimate your Internet server's downtime is roughly 35% in the hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme. Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.
British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
Complaint Letter of the Year (warning: naughty words)
hmmmm NTL that must really be COMCAST!!!
still haven't been able to get DSL or else I would dump them for internet...already got rid of the tv service and went with satellite. We are 70 FEET too far away to get sbc or verizon dsl...it kills me....
great letter..very funny hahahah
Certainly didn't put a fine point on ... well, on anything, did it?
"I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an _expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company"
You mean I can pay my cable bill with goodies from the tootsie roll box?
Very amusing, reminds me of a certain cable-internet company here in Holland ROFL
I worked for Dish Network for a year and got such complaints every day, over the phone. These whiners made me laugh and not care even more. You tend to stop caring after a while when, out of every 200 calls, you only get 50 people that actually don't whine. If I wanted to hear someone bitching all day, I would have stayed home with the kids. Considering how people on TV claimed to have been satisifed with the company, maybe they sent all the piss-and-moaners to me. Because I really couldn't do anything about an installation problem except get in touch with the district that sent the installers out. And even those guys put me on hold for an hour.
The funniest parts of the calls were when they asked to speak to my supervisor and he put it on speakerphone so we could have a good laugh (stifled).
After having just written a much watered-down version of this letter to the California Transit Authority, I can say that I truly empathize with the author of your letter.
Customer Service is quickly becoming an oxymoron...