Let me start out by saying this will be a sad topic. But i want to ask and seek support.
About two years ago my first daughter was stillborn. I was almost 42 weeks pregnant with her. The doctors had no idea what went wrong except that maybe the placenta detached early from the uterus. Her name was Lily. She's still a huge part of our family and we celebrate on her birthday. We have been blessed with two more healthy kids.
I was just wondering if anyone else on here has gone through something similar and how they dealt with the grieving and loss.
See like three months after we lost her my sweet mommy died of cancer. So i really never got to grieve fully because there was so much to deal with and now it's coming out and I'm having a hard time dealing with it. I trust God and he is helping me greatly. I just wanted some advice.
Well, there isn't anything you can do to make the pain go away. It is just part of your life now.
I remember during my experience that I kept trying to move forward through every step. I somehow had this idea, that I could get past this and return to normal. It was very helpful at the time. I kept myself very busy taking care of all the various tasks. I wrote his eulogy. I read books on how my family was grieving. I went around to all the places my wife went in her daily routines to let people know not to ask my wife "how's the baby?". Then once everything was done, and everyone went home, I was there alone with my wife. I realized that this was simply how I was going to feel the rest of my life. It would numb some times. Kind of like when you have a sprain. You forget about it until you move the wrong way, and then it jumps up and bites you harder than you ever thought it could.
I think of my grief as this dirty old bastard that I can't stand, but somehow I have gotten used to having him around. I forget about him often, but he is always there. It would probably feel wrong if he left me now. I guess it would be. Because that would mean I don't miss my son anymore.
My experience was the reverse of yours. My mom died of cancer and not long after that I found out that I was pregnant and lost it.
It was hard to get through it only because there are messages around you all the time. I never realised all the commericals on TV about babies. When I went to the store...seeing all the magazines on the racks talking about parents and babies. So just when I thought that it was going to be a good day...right around the corner would be another message.
I found that there were two things that helped me....1.) talking to my friends and verbally expressing how I felt 2.) writing out my feelings in a journal.
Sorry to hear about your loss. It's difficult at best to deal with the death of any family member, but it seems more so when it's an infant. My brother & his wife lost their daughter when she was 6 months old. They've had to deal with questions every day, as she was born with problems no one could diagnose. No one has ever been able to say what caused her defects and ultimately her death. They grieve every day for that loss. They found out they were pregnant a week before she died and have a beautiful wonderful perfectly healthy 2 year old daughter that will only know her older sister through pictures. My sister in law did a wonderful website dedicated to her which helped her grieve. Today they are expecting their 3rd child, a boy and have the very same apprehension they had when their 2nd daughter was born...what if?? so far so good. My heart goes out to you. Remember Lilly with a smile and when you look at your other children. I don't know that you can ever "get over it" but you can show her that you love her by your other children.
I can't thank all of you enough for your loving posts.
Somedays are hard and some are good. Whats wonderful is both children we have now a girl and a boy look like their older sister. All three baby pictures look the same. God has blessed us so much. It can be hard to look at their little faces and wonder what she would be like right now. A day doesn't go by when i don't think of her. I have a scrapbook dedicated to my pregnancy, labor and birth and her viewing and funeral. That helps a lot!!!
I will always cherish the memory of being pregnant with her! The whole thing actually brought my family closer and i saw a side of them i hadn't seen before. God works all things for good.